- My wife saw her first porn the other day,
let me rephrase that,
my wife caught me watching porn the other day.
(bright upbeat music)
- Every man in this room has turned to porn
at some point in time.
Stupidest shit that a man can do.
Here's why I say it's stupid.
We don't give people that do porn enough credit
and enough respect.
Those people are professional actors and actresses.
That's what they do for a living.
You can't just watch that shit and go home and try it,
it don't work like that.
That's like watching a karate movie,
going outside and getting in a fight,
telling everybody to back up
so you can roundhouse kick this nigga in the head.
You don't know how to do that kick (audience laughing).
It's the same thing with porn.
I'm not speaking to you from a hypothetical place,
I've been there, I've done it, I tried it.
I watched porn with my wife,
tried to do the shit that I saw.
I was nervous about it.
So I was having a conversation with myself, should I do it?
Should fucking do it? Should I try it?
(audience laughing)
I had good Kevin on this side bad Kevin was on the side.
Good Kevin popped up, good Kevin had on a pair of khakis
and a V-neck sweater.
He said, absolutely not don't do it, that's a good woman,
you talk to her first.
Bad Kevin popped up,
bad Kevin had on a pair of leather pants
and a fishnet tank top and he was doing this.
Bad Kevin (audience laughing)
Bad Kevin said you gonna listen to a man with khakis on?
No, no, he said, do it then do it.
Out of nowhere, I spit on my wife,
ptooey, squit. (audience laughing)
right in her fucking forehead, ptooey
a loogie right in a goddamn forehead.
(audience laughing)
It was an awkward bit of silence,
Nobody said nothing, it was quiet.
Out of no where she was like, you just fucking spit on me?
(audience laughing)
the complete opposite reaction from lady in the porn.
(audience laughing)
The lady in the porn went crazy when it happened,
she was like (screaming sound)
(audience laughing)
This spit is making me hot (screaming sound)
(audience laughing)
This spit is gonna make me cum (screaming sound)
(audience laughing)
In my mind that was I was like,
that's how you make them cum.
You gotta spit on their heads,
I've been doing it wrong all this time.
(audience laughing)
I haven't told my wife, you're not doing it right.
You got to rub it in, that's how you fucking cum.
(audience laughing)
I had to go downstairs and get a baby wipe,
clean her head off, that was embarrassing.
(audience laughing)
I go to get back into bed she wanna talk about it.
What did I tell you guys?
I don't like to talk, let it float in the air and disappear.
I don't want to talk about it.
As soon as I get in the bed, she was like
did you really just spit on me?
(audience laughing)
I almost lied, I almost lied.
Even though I noticed she knows that I know I did it,
I almost fucking lied.
The reason why is because bad, Kevin popped back up.
Bad Kevin was like, say it was a leak in the ceiling.
I said, no, get (audience laughing)
the hell out of here, bad Kevin.
Yes, yes.
I spit on you.
Wow, I don't know.
I was watching porn, I saw some shit, I tried it.
She's like Kevin, let me tell you something.
I don't care if you watch porn, don't be stupid enough
to bring the shit that you saw in our house.
She said I watched porn all the time,
I don't try to do the that I saw to you.
I said
back the
fuck
up.
(audience laughing)
When did this become a whore house?
(audience laughing)
What the hell you mean you watching porn?
What the hell are you watching?
She was like hmm, everything.
(screams)
(audience laughing)
Instantly I got hurt.
The reason why it hurt me
is because I fucking couldn't separate
my pride from reality.
This is the problem that all men have.
See reality is that she would've watched porn
she would've watched porn.
If I want to watch porn, I can watch porn.
That's how it should be.
But my pride, my pride, wouldn't let it be that way.
My pride wanted to know what she was watching.
I wanna see it, let me see it with my eyes.
I wanna see it.
She said, you want to see it? Let me see it.
She got a laptop, opened it up.
She said, my porn search is in my cookies.
All you got to do is search my cookies.
I said, well you better get me a glass of milk,
cause' I'm about to eat all these goddamn cookies.
(audience laughing)
The shit that I saw hurt my heart, it hurt me.
The reason why is because her porn search
was the complete opposite of who I am.
Everything I saw was big,
everything
was big.
(audience laughing)
big balls to the walls, big backs on big blacks,
big cocks and socks.
What the fuck is going on?
(audience laughing)
One of the sites wasn't even porn.
One of the sites was a bunch of tall men being active.
They were changing light bulbs, putting on shelves,
(audience laughing)
hanging paintings what kind of sick shit is this?
What the fuck is this?
(audience laughing)
She was like, what, you can't do none of that stuff,
I like that stuff. (audience laughing)
(screams)
- So I know I have to lose some weight
but I wanna be careful cause' I don't wanna lose too much
and end up in porn
(audience laughing)
Cause' you know that is a very real possibility.
(audience laughing)
If your hot, if you're super attractive,
like you guy you're proper hot, right?
Like you're a beautiful couple.
Do you work out together?
- Yeah.
- Of course you do.
(audience laughing)
I'm not for chiming you, but you're a hot couple,
like aesthetically you're quite pleasing to the eye.
(audience laughing)
Like if you two came up to me in a bar and asked me
for a threesome I'll be in.
(audience laughing)
And not just in a hold the camera kind of way,
I'll give it my all.
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
I would get so freaky, you two would be super impressed
like half through I'll be butt naked
but you just be high fiving each other going.
(audience laughing)
Fucking score on this one.
(audience laughing)
Cause' you have to be careful, cause' you're beautiful,
you could end up in porn, the rest of you, you're fine.
(audience laughing)
No cause' you know, if you're in a
heavy healthy relationship
and you've got a healthy sex life, at some point
one of you will turn to the other and go,
we should record ourselves.
(audience laughing)
You know, while we're (clicking sound) you know.
And you will, have you going, we'll never do that.
Your partner's probably already doing it.
(audience laughing)
You might as well get involved.
There's a whole genre of porn of you not being in porn.
So you might as well. (audience laughing)
And then you're gonna go okay fine.
And you're gonna take your smart phone,
you'll prop it up somewhere in the room.
And then you go out, you go out and hammer and tongs,
rightly.
You give it your A game cause' you're know
you're recording yourself.
(audience laughing)
And then afterwards you go, okay, go get it.
(audience laughing)
He rolls off you, and he gets it,
comes back and you're excited,
and you like (chuckles)
(audience laughing)
Oh, this is gonna be good, this I gonna be great, you know.
(kissing sound)
I love you.
(audience laughing)
And you hit play
(choking sound) (audience laughing)
Why is my ass so so dark.
(audience laughing)
Why is it so hairy.
(audience laughing)
It looks like a tarantula's crawling out of a cave.
(audience laughing)
You look at your body at an angle, you wouldn't normally see
performing an activity you wouldn't normally see
reflect back in the shop front window.
(audience laughing)
You see things on your body that you wouldn't normally see.
You look at that and you go is that a nipple on my back?
(audience laughing)
And your partner is like super blozega, yeah.
(audience laughing)
I thought you knew.
(audience laughing)
You like no every time it's cold I think it's a fucking
label on my cardigan.
(audience laughing)
And he's like, no, no and when it's really hot
it does that weird Bobby mouse thing that.
(audience laughing)
You look at that footage it's not natural.
It's your fat pussy-ass white body ploughing at pace
(audience laughing)
into another fat pussy-ass white body.
(audience laughing)
Meeting a broccoli in the middle.
It doesn't even sound good.
(audience laughing)
Like in the heat of the moment, you don't hear anything.
But when it's silent and you're just staring
at your white body with the extra nipple
on a little screen, all you can hear (chewing sound)
(audience laughing)
Like what is that noise?
Oh, it's your balls on my tummy.
(audience laughing)
You look at that and you go, why am I fucking you?
(audience laughing)
Where are you fucking me?
No let's never do this again.
(audience laughing)
- My wife saw our first porn the other day, let me rephrase
that, my wife caught me watching porn the other day,
(audience laughing)
in the worst way anyone's ever gotten caught watching porn.
I guarantee it.
11:30 on a Tuesday afternoon.
(audience laughing)
I'm in the closet, now,
(audience laughing)
I don't even know how it started.
I don't know, I don't know how I got into it.
All of a sudden I'm in it though.
I'm on my phone scrolling
because I broke my governor when I was a kid
and now nothing turns me on.
I'm like, gimme a tentacle or quicksand, something real.
Knock the wind out of someone, something I can gravitate to.
(audience laughing)
I hear her walking in the closet phone in the pocket.
She didn't see that, she looks at me and says,
what were you just doing on your phone?
I'm on my heels, I got this.
I go, I was replying to work emails.
(audience laughing)
She goes really, are you sure you weren't watching a video
called No Mercy for my Throat?
(audience laughing)
Now I'm thinking that is really specific for a guess.
(audience laughing)
But I stood my ground, I go, no, and she goes
dick had your phone's tethered to the TV in the bedroom.
(audience laughing)
She had been watching me
flip through all the porns I deem boring.
(audience laughing)
What girl on girl, what is this eighth grade?
(audience laughing)
Guy, girl, what am I gay?
Come on, give me something real,
woo, No Mercy for my Throat, I'm listening.
(audience laughing)
And this was not for the faint of heart.
This was not entry-level porn.
This was mascara running,
like (choking sound)
(audience laughing)
You know, the kind of blow jobs
where they have to come up for air
(gasping sound)
(audience laughing)
(choking sound)
(audience laughing)
She's like, what the fuck is that?
(audience laughing)
Am like? That is a blow job.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)