(clicking)
- This question (laughs).
This is gonna be really hard.
- I think you know.
I wish I could take away your past.
And I wish that it never happened.
And,
sometimes it makes me angry because
what happened to you is something that
you will deal with the rest of your life
and that I have to deal with.
And not that, I'm okay with it,
I'm okay with dealing with it,
because it's you and I love you.
But it makes me angry because
whoever did that gets to just not deal with it
for the rest of their life.
And you and I deal with it.
- I really hate that you have to deal with it.
Because what you expect from me,
not that I can't give it to you,
but it's very hard for me to give it to you.
And I hate that
something so simple that you crave from me
is really hard for me to give.
And I hate that because it's a good thing,
wanting more affection and wanting,
let's just say affection, we'll call it affection.
It's hard for me to do that because
it's kind of awkward for me.
- And I understand that.
- You understand it but I hate that you have to
I hate that you have to be with someone
that has to deal with it.
'Cause then you have to deal with it.
And I don't, and I think you're the type of person,
you deserve to be with someone who
is very affectionate towards you,
and doesn't find, sometimes, human touch,
to be a little cringe worthy.
And, I get angry with myself sometimes,
and, I've told you this.
I get angry with myself, I fight with myself.
Like we could be sitting watching TV
and even like me reaching out to touch you,
or to hug you, or to hold your hand,
it takes a lot for me to tell myself,
just grab his hand.
Like, fuck, just grab his hand.
Why is that so hard?
But sometimes it's hard for me.
- But I understand that.
And I'm,
it's my responsibility being with you
to understand that.
And, knowing what you have been through,
it's always gonna be something that is
maybe in the back of your mind,
or maybe you block it out sometimes.
But, I wish that I could erase that from your past.
- I wish too, because then I feel like
I could be as expressive as I want to be.
Emotionally, but also sexually,
because, that's what's hard for me.
It's hard and it's awkward,
and it's a constant battle within myself.
That I don't want to project onto you but,
unfortunately it has a little bit
because I'm not affectionate towards you,
and having sex sometimes can be a little difficult.
But-
- And I get it, and I never want to put you in a position
where you're doing something that
you're not comfortable with, or you don't want to do.
And I've said that to you before,
and I would never, I would rather go to sleep frustrated
(laughing)
than have you do something that you don't want to do.
- I know.
- And I've said that to you.
- It just sucks because I feel like as a woman,
I can't really provide the one thing,
not that's more important in a relationship,
but it's like- - It is.
- But, it's something that's difficult.
- Well it's not like you never provide it.
- I know.
(laughing)
All right, you can go to the next question.
- If this were to be our last conversation,
what's something you never want me to forget?
- I just want you to know that, if we in the future,
we ever don't end up together,
that you're pretty much one of the most
amazing people I've met.
And, any girl would be lucky to have you,
and I'm lucky now (laughing).
So yeah, never allow anybody to say that
you're not important or you're not
awesome because I think you're awesome.
Even though I sometimes tell you you're so annoying.
(laughing)
- I know I am.
- If you could give me anything in the world,
what would it be and why?
(laughing)
I just want to give you a life with me.
There's no like material item that I can come out and say.
- Not even a Chanel bag, I mean, come on.
(laughing)
Just kidding.
- Maybe a Chanel bag but,
maybe just a life with me.
I want you to be a part of my life
until I die.
And, I think we both know I'm gonna die first.
- (laughing) You don't know that.
- But, you know, the, I want to provide you with everything
that I can in life.
And that's years and years of hopeful happiness.
What could be better than that?
- Yeah.
Whose turn is it?
- It's mine.
- Okay (laughing).
- (chuckles) What's the next step in our relationship?
- I feel like we need to get our spark back.
After eight years.
And I feel like we need to be more communicative.
We have to be better at communicating.
And our next step could possibly be
getting engaged slash married.
Because that to me is a very big step
and I know you and I both don't want to
get engaged or married at the position we're at now.
Especially with what happened a couple weeks ago.
'Cause we have to be good to be married.
I don't want to be, I don't want us to be like,
unsure when we're married.
'Cause once we're married, that's it,
you're stuck with me.
- That's it. - That's it.
You're stuck.
- That's it.
- I don't want to get a divorce, nothing like,
you're stuck.
You gotta deal with my ass for like the rest of your life.
(laughing)
So, yeah.
- Oh both of us.
Why do you love me?
- I love you because of the person that you are.
You know you came into my life
at a time where I was struggling
to really understand what I wanted in my future.
Because of what I had been through in my life
up into that point,
and I wasn't,
I wasn't really a very happy person at that time.
I mean when I told you in the beginning
I did not want to get married ever again.
I almost didn't even believe in love anymore.
And,
you helped me believe in love again.
- Hey, Topaz here.
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