Jefferies: I flew to Jerusalem, the birthplace
of three of the world's most prominent religions.
And thanks to Donald Trump,
it's the new home of the American Embassy.
That went over well.
Woman: Another day of violent protests in the Gaza Strip,
erupting over the Trump administration's decision
to move the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem.
People have been trying to resolve the conflict
in this region for a long time.
[ Buzzer ]
...and a very good boy named Jared.
I am so proud to be here
[ Buzzer ]
So, what happened when a Jew, a Muslim,
and a Christian walked into a bar?
An atheist came along to try to bring peace to the Middle East.
You're welcome!
Thank you for joining us. Now, I'm an atheist.
I gave up on religion and decided there was no God,
but I'm open to suggestions here.
-But, uh, cheers? -You know, I --
If it's okay with you, I'd like to have a diet Coke.
-Me too. I'm kind of... -All right.
So we hit our first snag. No big deal.
To salvage the meeting,
I heroically volunteered to drink all the beer.
-L'chaim. L'chaim. -Cheers.
Every good diplomat knows
that step one to solving religious strife
is establishing common ground.
Circumcised. Circumcised?
-Circumcised? -Yes.
So we all agree on chopping the end of dicks off.
'Cause that's really your forte.
8 days old, that's it, it comes off.
Cheers to that.
L'chaim. L'chaim. L'chaim. L'chaim.
So we're on the same page, here, mostly. Okay.
Me and you, how good is bacon? You eat bacon?
-I love bacon. -Bacon's the shit!
Never had it.
I like it when it's with food, in pasta.
I thought you weren't allowed to have it.
Well, you know, a little bit of wine washes it.
Two negatives make a positive.
So you're a Muslim who drinks wine and eats bacon.
Are you just, like, a guy we picked up off the street?
Well, I got us to agree on penises and pork.
All I have to do now is solve this embassy thing,
and I can call it a day.
Trump's decision to move the embassy to Jerusalem.
Why?
Because finally, the most powerful leader of the world
has recognized that Jerusalem
in the capital of the Jewish people.
For the Palestinians,
we see ourselves as the heirs of the land.
It is our heritage.
And, in fact, most of it is our real estate.
It sounds like the Jews are just causing a lot of trouble.
I don't get it. These guys have been
killing each other over a patch of dirt,
a few below-average night clubs,
and a salty-ass lake.
But I have a brilliant idea.
Why this land?
Like, it's nice, but you could have Tasmania.
It's a little island at the bottom of Australia.
No one wants it. You can have that one.
It's [bleep] beautiful, mate.
Why is this land so precious to both of you?
This is where God created the world from.
I was created from my mother's womb.
I don't want to stay near the [bleep] thing.
Do we all agree that there was one man who made a boat
and put two of each animal on the boat?
And why didn't the lions eat the other anim--
You know, how did you keep the cold animals refrigerated
and the warm animals warm?
It was very cold, rainy, and winter.
-Or it could be made up. -No. No.
What do we think of Donald Trump?
-We're pro-Trump. -Yeah, I'm pro-Trump.
-He is not a racist. -Okay.
-He's not a racist? -He's not a racist.
When people were carrying TIKI torches
claiming "Heil, Hitler," he did not condemn them,
and he said there was good people on both sides.
-It doesn't mean he's racist. -It does!
That's the definition of racism.
It's like number one. Did you denounce Nazis?
No? You're a racist.
He has denounced racism.
He employs all kinds of people.
That's true. Trump does employ a lot of minorities.
But the thing I can't understand is,
when it comes to Trump,
evangelicals will turn the other cheek to anything...
Did evangelical voters care?
Well, if they did, it didn't affect their votes.
I don't see why they condemn him when a lot of other men
does probably worse than him.
...as long as Trump keeps putting conservative judges
on the bench to further their
gay-hating, uterus-controlling family values.
The bottom line is, Donald Trump is good for the Jews of Israel.
He grabs women by the pussy.
He's just paid off a porn star with some money.
He's obviously not a man of God.
Donald Trump is not regarded for --
to lead as a religious role model.
So, you would say he's a good man?
Well, uh, am I a good man?
-He's a good president. -[ Laughs ]
Well, there you have it.
If religious conservatives admit
that Trump is a moral suck-hole and follow him anyway...
Let's pray together. May we?
...I'm pretty sure that if there is a hell,
this atheist will be carpooling with these guys.
Do you believe that your afterlife is all the same?
I'll take his virgins. He gets virgins in his religion.
You don't want virgins! They're the worst!
Experienced women. That's what you want.
I want dead Amsterdam hookers up there.
-Exactly. -I don't believe in God.
What happens when I die?
Ah, we're not going to the same place.
I'm going to hell?
You said you are -- Well, you are an atheist. You said it.
-Yeah. I'm going to hell? -Of course.
If you believe in Jesus, you'll have eternal life.
If you don't... then there's judgement.
We're not into hell.
So I get to go to heaven anyway?
-That's what we believe. -Let's Jew it up, man.
-I'm telling ya. -L'chaim. L'chaim.
I'm telling you, the Jews are the winners.
Although, let's admit
that Hanukkah is shit next to Christmas.
You haven't got a tree and decorations
and a man on a sleigh with a whole lot of reindeers?
What are you celebrating?
A candle didn't go out for a while.
[Bleep] try to market it a bit better.
Get a fat man in a sleigh.
I don't even know what a Hanukkah gift is gonna be.
I assume it's like, day one, a rubber band.
Day two, half a shoe.
-I don't know what type of -- -Ramadan we have.
-Oh, Ramadan. -No food! No food!
Oh, who's up for a party, everyone?
Ramadan's happening!
Hanging out with these nice guys,
it's hard to imagine all the suffering caused in the world
because their religions can't seem to get along.
I don't believe in any of that shit,
but even I know the one simple solution is found
in Matthew 7:12, where it says...
or, as it's written in King Jim translation,
"Don't be a [bleep]."
I have to be honest with you.
I can't fix the world, but we can all agree
that Scientology's bullshit, right?
-Yes. -That one's stupid, yeah.
Brilliant.