OH, FOLKS, MY GUEST GUEST HAS
PERFORMED AT THE WHITE HOUSE AND
THE KENNEDY CENTER AND NOW HE'S
HERE TO PERFORM FOR US.
PLEASE WELCOME THE VERY FUNNY
MAZ JOBRANI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I'M EXCITED TO BE HERE.
I'M A BIG FAN OF THE SHOW.
THIS IS FANTASTIC.
A LOT OF CRAZY THINGS GOING ON
IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.
THE ELECTIONS ARE ALMOST OVER.
A LOT OF CRAZY--
( APPLAUSE )
YES, YES.
A LOT OF CRAZINESS, ISLAMA
PHOBIA IS ON THE RISE.
I'M ORIGINALLY FROM THE MIDDLE
EAST MYSELF.
I WAS BORN IN IRAN.
AND I GOTTA TELL YOU, IT'S A
HARD TIME TO BE MIDDLE EASTERN
THESE DAYS.
IT'S A HARD TIME TO BE MIDDLE
EASTERN THESE DAYS.
AND BY "THESE DAYS" I MEAN THE
PAST 500 YEARS.
( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, THAT'S THE LAST YEAR WE
HAD A GOOD YEAR, YEAH.
REMEMBER THAT?
1516, WE WERE IN THE SUPER BOWL.
BUT WE DIDN'T WIN.
WE DIDN'T WIN.
YEAH.
IT'S CRAZY BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN
KICKING MIDDLE EASTERN PEOPLE
OFF OF AIRPLANES LEFT AND RIGHT
FOR DOING NOTHING.
DID YOU GUYS HEAR ABOUT THIS
GUY?
THERE WAS A MIDDLE EASTERN GUY
ON AN AIRPLANE, HE WAS WATCHING
SOMETHING ON HIS PHONE, THERE
WAS GUN VIOLENCE ON THE PHONE.
THE PASSENGER SITTING NEXT TO
HIM, SAW HIM, SAW HE WAS A
MIDDLE EASTERN GUY, GOT HIM
KICKED OFF THE PLANE.
YOU HAVE HEARD OF THIS.
IT WAS SPIRIT AIRLINES.
HAVE YOU HEARD OF SPIRIT
AIRLINES.
IF YOU HAVE HEARD OF SPIRIT
AIRLINES, WORK HARDER SO YOU NO
LONGER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT SPIRIT
AIRLINES.
THIS POOR GUY WAS WATCHING ON
THE PHONE, THERE WAS GUN
VIOLENCE.
THEY INVESTIGATED.
IT TURNS OUT IT WAS A MIDDLE
EASTERN GUY WATCHING THE NEWS.
THAT'S WHY HE GOT KICKED-- NO
ONE IS THINKING ANYTHING.
WHAT DID THE LADY SITTING NEXT
TO THE GUY THINK?
IT WAS ISIS LOOKING AT
LAST-MINUTE INSTRUCTIONAL IDEAS.
I'M GOING TO GO LIKE THIS, THEN
I GO LIKE THAT.
HOLD ON, DON'T FLY.
I'M STILL STUDYING.
GO LIKE THIS, GO LIKE THAT.
SKEWS ME, I CAN BORROW YOUR
PHONE.
I'M STARTING TO HIJACK THE
PLANE, I CANNOT SEE HOW-- IT'S
CRAZINESS.
IT'S A FEAR OF IMMIGRANTS,
RIGHT.
THERE'S A LOT OF FEAR OF
IMMIGRANT.
IF YOU WATCH FOX NEWS, YOU, TOO,
WILL BE AFRAID OF IMMIGRANT.
I WATCHED A HALF HOUR OF FOX
NEWS AND I WAS AFRAID OF
IMMIGRANT.
YOU WATCH FOX NEWS AND YOU'LL
SAY, "OH, MY GOD, THE MEXICANS
ARE GOING TO TAKE OUR JOBS, THE
MUSLIMS WILL KILL US, AND I'M
GOING TO GET EATEN BY A SHARK.
I'M GOING TO GET EATEN MY A
MEXICAN MUSLUM SHARK WITH THE
ZIKA VIRUS NAMED BARACK HUSSEIN
OBAMA.
A LOT OF IT IS FEAR OF
IMMIGRANT.
FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU LIKE TRUMP
OR NOT, WHEN HE FIRST STARTED
RUNNING, EVERYBODY THOUGHT IT
WAS A JOKE.
EVERYBODY WAS LIKE HA-HA-HA.
NOW, NO ONE CAN BELIEVE IT.
SEARCH LIKE HA!
HA!
NO ONE BELIEVES IT!
AND I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE GUY.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SEE IF HE'S
GOT ANY PLANS.
HE'S GOT NO PLANS.
IT'S A LOT OF SLOGANS WITH NO
PLANS.
AND HE'S AT THE REALLIES AND HE
JUST SAYS THE SLOGANS, HE REPEAT
THE SLOGANS AND NO ONE ASKS
ABOUT THE PLANS.
HE'S AT THE RALLIES.
GONNA MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
GONNA BUILD A WALL.
GONNA BEAT CHINA!
HOW YOU GONNA DO IT?
I HAVE NO IDEA!
LISTEN, THE NUMBER ONE THING
I'VE HEARD TRUMP SUPPORTERS SAY,
NUMBER ONE THING, "I LOVE HIM
BECAUSE HE SAYS WHAT'S ON HIS
MIND.
HE JUST SAYS WHAT'S ON HIS MIND.
HE JUST SAYS WHAT'S ON HIS MIND!
YOU GO, WHAT, ARE YOUR THOUGHTS
ABOUT HIS POLICIES?"
"I DON'T KNOW ABOUT HIS
POLICIES.
HE JUST SAYS WHAT'S ON HIS
MIND."
I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE DUMBEST
THING I HAD EVER HEARD.
UNTIL I WENT TO VISIT MY MOTHER,
AN IRANIAN LADY.
SHE FELL FOR THE LINE.
SHE SAID, MAZ, I LIKE THIS GUY.
HE SAYS WHAT'S ON HIS MIND.
I SAID ARE YOU CRAZY.
HE'S ANTI-IMMIGRANT.
IF HE BECAME PRESIDENT, THEY
COULDN'T COME AND VISIT YOU.
SHE SAID, "I DON'T LIKE THEM
ANYWAY."
( APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
A LOT OF IMMIGRANTS ACTUALLY
LIKE TRUMP.
A LOT OF IMMIGRANTS GET IN THIS
COUNTRY AND THEY DON'T WANT ANY
MORE OF THEM COMING.
I SWEAR TO GOD, I WAS IN AN
UBERWITH AN OLDER ARMENIAN GUY.
THIS GUY LOVED TRUMP.
BARELY SPOKE ENGLISH, BUT HE
LOVED TRUMP.
HE WAS TRYING TO TELL ME WHAT I
GREAT POLITICIAN HE IS.
HE KEPT SAYING WHAT A GREAT
POLITIC HE IS.
HE KEPT SAYING,"DONALD TRUMP,
NUMBER ONE POLITIC.
VERY GOOD, NUMBER ONE POLITIC,
VERY GOOD, NUMBER ONE, VRKD,
NUMBER ONE.
I SAID, DUDE, HE'S
ANTI-IMMIGRANT.
YOU'RE AN IMMIGRANT!"
HE SAID, "YES, BUT I'M HERE."
( APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
"FOR ME, GOOD POLITIC.
FOR MY COUSIN, NOT GOOD POLITIC.
VERY BAD POLITIC."
I ACTUALLY THINK THAT TRUMP DOES
NOT WANT TO WIN.
I REALLY DO.
HE'S A MEGALOMANIAC BILLIONAIRE
BUSINESSMAN.
HE WANTS TO MAKE MONEY.
HE OF YOU DON'T MAKE MONEY AS A
PRESIDENT.
I THINK HE WANTS TO LOSE.
I REALLY DO.
THAT'S WHY HE SAYS SO MUCH CRAZY
STUFF.
AND THEN THAT TAPE CAME OUT
WHERE HE SAID IF YOU WANT TO
PICK UP WOMEN YOU HAVE TO GRAB
THEM BY THEIR... I SAID, MOM,
DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID.
IF YOU WANT TO PICK UP WOMAN YOU
HAVE TO GRAB THEM BY THE... SHE
SAID, "REMIND ME OF YOUR
FATHER'S DAY."
THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HIS MOVIE, "JIMMY
VESTVOOD: AMERIKAN HERO," IS
NOW AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.
MAZ JOBRANI, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.