♪ ♪
♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
>> I'M ALREADY IN MID CONVERSATION WITH YOUR FRIEND
AND MINE MR. JON BATISTE.
JON, THIS IS A BIG CHECK AND I ACTUALLY HAVE A BLUE CARD.
I RARELY HAVE A BLUE CARD WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU.
>> Jon: I LOVE THE BLUE CARD.
>> Stephen: BUT WE'VE GOT TO HIT THIS.
>> Jon: UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW THE PLAY AT HOME SERIES.
>> Jon: YES, OF COURSE.
>> Stephen: YOU LOVE THE PEOPLE AT HOME.
BRAND-NEW PERFORMANCES WITH DIFFERENT ARTISTISTS EACH NIGHT
WE'RE ON HIATUS BECAUSE WE'RE ABOUT TO GO ON HIATUS AND YOU'RE
KICKING IT OFF WITH A SPECIAL ARTIST TOMORROW NIGHT.
>> YES, DeMARCO, A LOT OF MUSIC HE MADE HIS BATHROOM.
THIS IS AN AMAZING WAY TO RECORD AND PERFORM VIRTUALLY.
HE SENDS THE FILES OVER TO ME AND I PUT IT TOGETHER RIGHT HERE
AND SEND IT BACK TO HIM AND WE LAYERED IT SOMEHOW WITH THE
MAGIC.
I DON'T KNOW WHO WAS DOING THAT PART, BUT IT'S GOING TO BE
AMAZING TO DO IT LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: TO CHICK IT OUT, COLBERT LATE SHOW.com OR ON
"THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT YOUTUBE CHANNEL.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: JOHN, HAVE A GREAT BREAK.
COULD YOU PLAY US OUT?
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
♪ ♪
♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.
THANKS, JON.
FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME GOING THROUGH THE WEST ELM
CATALOG OF THE WEEK'S BIGGEST STORIES, CHOOSING THE PERFECT
VELVET LOVESEAT TO PAIR WITH A FINE JUTE RUG AND ROSE-GOLD
FLOOR LAMP TO COMPOSE THE PICTURE-PERFECT RESTORATION
HARDWARE CATALOGUE LIVING ROOM THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO SCOUR CRAIGSLIST'S "FREE AND FOR
SALE" PAGE, AND COBBLE TOGETHER ENOUGH BEEFARONI-STAINED CHAIRS,
CIGARETTE-BURNT END-TABLES, AND MOLDY THROW PILLOWS TO FURNISH
THE NEWY-DIVORCED DAD STUDIO APARTMENT OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: >> QUARANTINE-WHILE
>> STEPHEN: QUARANTINE-WHILE, LIFESTYLE GOOP-RU GWYNETH
PALTROW IS SELLING A NEW CANDLE CALLED "THIS SMELLS LIKE MY
ORGASM."
AND WHAT DOES GWYNETH'S ORGASM SMELL LIKE, YOU ASK?
OH, YOU DIDN'T?
WELL, I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ANYWAY.
APPARENTLY, "GUNPOWDER TEA, TURKISH ROSE," AND "TART
GRAPEFRUIT."
BASICALLY HER ORGASM IS A CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.
NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS GWYNETH, BUT I MISS THE DAYS
WHEN YOU JUST LODGED HUNKS OF JADE UP THERE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "BECAUSE OF CORONAVIRUS, 7-ELEVEN IS
CANCELING FREE SLURPEE DAY," BUT DON'T WORRY, "MEMBERS OF THE 7
REWARDS LOYALTY PROGRAM WILL GET A COUPON FOR A FREE MEDIUM
SLURPEE."
SO IF YOU'RE A MEMBER OF THE 7 REWARDS LOYALTY PROGRAM...
ARE YOU OK?
I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
QUARANTINEWHILE, AS AMERICA REEVALUATES HONORING
CONTROVERSIAL HISTORICAL FIGURES, "THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
HAVE SIGNED A PETITION TO RENAME COLUMBUS, OHIO TO FLAVORTOWN IN
HONOR OF COLUMBUS NATIVE GUY FIERI."
AND IF THEY DON'T LIKE FLAVORTOWN, MIGHT I SUGGEST MEAT
SWEATS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE "EXPERTS ARE CALLING FOR REGULATION AFTER YET
ANOTHER BOTCHED ART RESTORATION IN SPAIN," THIS TIME OF A
BAROQUE PAINTING IN WHICH "THE FACE OF THE VIRGIN MARY WAS LEFT
UNRECOGNIZABLE."
OH, COME ON, HOW BAD COULD IT HAVE BEE--
OH, SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!
I THINK.
REALLY HARD TO TELL AT THIS POINT.
WHY DID IT GO SO BADLY?
MAYBE BECAUSE IT WAS DONE BY A FURNITURE RESTORER.
DO SOME RESEARCH.
THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO JUST GET WHOEVER YOUR BUDDY RECOMMENDS.
(ACT OUT) "HEY JIMMY, I GOT THIS 17TH
CENTURY BAROQUE PAINTING OF THE VIRGIN MARY.
I GOT A QUESTION: THAT GUY WHO STRIPPED THE VARNISH OFF YOUR
COFFEE TABLE?
HE'S GOT A PAINT BRUSH?" THAT WAS MY SPANISH ACCENT.
QUARANTINE-WHILE "KID ROCK'S NASHVILLE BAR HAS TEMPORARILY
LOST ITS BEER PERMIT DUE TO COVID-19 VIOLATIONS."
PREVIOUSLY, THE KID ROCK BAR'S #1 HEALTH VIOLATION WAS GOATEE
HAIR IN THE SALSA.
"KID ROCK'S BIG-ASS HONKY TONK AND ROCK & ROLL STEAKHOUSE" HAD
IT'S BEER LICENSE YANKED AFTER SOMEONE POSTED THIS PHOTO OF THE
PACKED BAR SHOWING PEOPLE BEING SERVED ILLEGALLY INDOORS AND NO
ONE WEARING MASKS.
HEY!
BOOZE-DINGUSES!
LET ME PUT THIS IN TERMS YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.
YOU JAM YOURSELVES INTO A BAR LIKE THAT AND, NEXT THING
YOU KNOW, BAWIT-DABAW DA-BANG A-DANG DIGGY-DIGGY-DIGGY SAID
THE BOOGY SAID UP JUMP INFECTION RATES.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU'RE EXCITED FOR AMAZON'S
UPCOMING LORD OF THE RINGS TV ADAPTATION.
IT'S MIDDLE EARTH, AMAZON-STYLE!
SO THE HOBBITS DO NOT GET BATHROOM BREAKS.
WELL, IF YOU LIVE DOWN UNDER AND TO THE RIGHT A BIT, LISTEN UP.
BECAUSE THEY'VE JUST ISSUED A NEW ZEALAND CASTING CALL FOR,
"FUNKY-LOOKING" PEOPLE.
"FUNKY-LOOKING PEOPLE?" I HOPE THAT MEANS THE ORC ARMY
WILL BE NOW BE LED BY PARLIAMENT.
AW, WE NEED THE RING.
GOT TO HAVE THAT RING!
WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS MORDOR OOUUUT!
CAST ME, AMAZON!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF "HOW TO BE AN
ANTIRACIST," IBRAM X. KENDI!
♪ WE NEED THE RING ♪ ♪ GOT TO HAVE THAT RING ♪