i've talked a lot about how society
gives us toxic messages around
friendships
friendship is forever lovers come and go
but friends stay
and how i believe that these messages
are just as unhealthy as things like
family is everything these idioms feel
as false to me as like those cheesy
placards
wow i love your ironic artwall
what do you mean ironic oh would you
classify it more as a sarcastic
no i i genuinely love these signs
oh okay cool yeah cool
i i no no judgment at all no you
just judged me oh well um
live love
forgive forget i like that one
i have to add it yeah yeah when i found
myself in a cycle of rotating
friendships every few years
i was convinced that something was wrong
with me but in
surprise surprise therapy i have come to
learn about the importance of rupture
and repair in lasting relationships
so ruptures arguments fights hurt
feelings are bound to happen
in any relationship they're unavoidable
i mean human beings are messy we get
into fights
no matter how mundane look we just want
weekends off
dude that's when most of the crime
happens anna we're too old to fight
crime anymore we're in our 30s now
i i just hurt my back by just going to
bed oh yeah i slept on my neck wrong
dude same and my knee hurts okay so what
are we just splitting up
are you guys gonna leave me alone to
just fight crime on the dark dingy
dangerous streets of gotham by myself
you don't have to go
petty thieves murdered my parents
melissa i have no choice but to seek
vengeance through vigilantism
you wouldn't understand cause you have
living breathing not murdered parents
look we're sorry and we support your
quest for revenge
but it's your quest our quest is to sit
here and binge wanda vision and order
sushi stock
well then i guess this friendship is
over oh come on
again and when i think about every
friendship that's no longer in my life
right now
i think about how we failed to repair a
rupture
and ruptures are actually opportunities
to strengthen relationships because
each time you repair it proves that the
relationship can navigate problems with
love compassion
and understanding so there are three
components
to good repairs one the ability to
apologize
that really hurt my feelings well i'm
sorry that you have so many feelings
it's kind of easy to hurt them
i'm so sorry that i hear your feelings
thank you so much for telling me
it wasn't my intention but impact is
what matters
two the ability to forgive hey are you
okay
i'm fine okay well just seems like
you're mad
why why would i be mad why
what would i even be mad about oh that
fight we had a year ago where you
genuinely apologized and never repeated
that hurtful behavior
that makes no sense and finally the
ability to learn
it's very easy for us to get defensive
when ruptures happen to feel like
it's an attack on who we are and not a
learning opportunity about that unique
individual and how to love them
and in every single failed friendship
and probably relationship that i have
ruptures were met with an inability to
complete one of these three components
either by the other person or by me and
finding friends who value repairing the
ruptures is the secret to keeping
good friendships so don't think of it as
losing friends but as weeding out
relationships that ultimately
can't serve the kind of repair you need
to be lasting
hey guys um i just wanted to say that
i'm sorry
it's not cool of me to ask you to do
something you're uncomfortable with just
because my parents were tragically
murdered and i want to seek revenge
outside of the legal system
i'm grateful that you guys even fought
crime with me for a little while and i
respect your boundary not to do so
anymore
oh baby girl we're sorry too we want to
support your journey to avenge your
tragic past but it's just not in our
future
we still want to make you feel loved in
other ways we can still help you clean
weapons or
problem solve when the case goes cold
patch you up when things get rough
thank you guys i think i have broken
rips
okay let's go to the home let's go let's
go i'm anna akana and thank you to the
patrons who supported today's video
and thank you as always to daddy
squarespace for sponsoring today's
episode and paying for my mortgage
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