A while ago I was asked the question, “are you happy?”
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been asked that.
My initial thought was “how are we defining happiness here?” but I didn’t feel like turning
it into that conversation so I just quickly decided in my head that I defined it as having
a good feeling in my belly when I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning.
And so I answered and I said something like
“Yeah. I mean, life throws you curveballs, but I’m in a good place. I’m happy.”
I left that conversation feeling curious.
Curious about my own happiness and how and why it changes over time.
How was it that a year ago or so, I would’ve had a hard time answering that question?
Now, I just want to quickly touch on something.
If you're going through something deeply difficult, perhaps traumatic, such as
a loss, you probably don't care for happiness right now. You just want to
not feel miserable. You just want to feel normal. To function. To be able to get through the day.
Personally, when I've gone through something like that, what's helped me has been giving things time
and being around loved ones. So, if anyone watching is going through it right now,
just know that you'll be okay. You'll be happy again, it'll just be a different kind
of happy. ​​
Now, the days following having been asked that question, I started paying more attention to
how I was feeling in my day-to-day and what it was that was making me feel that way.
I quickly realized that my happiness consists of a mix of big things and
small things; things that are easy to implement, and things that require work;
things that are in my control, and things that aren’t.
(1) So, starting with the simple fact that we’re in July. In spring,
in summer… Everything just feels better,
lighter, more colorful. The energy of the city is so different. Everything is heightened.
It’s almost like going to a concert; you’ve been looking forward to it for so long,
and so has everyone else, and now you get to experience it together,
but apart. It’s this collective sort of happiness.
(2) Speaking of summer, walking in the summer rain wearing something light and not feeling cold.
Unmatched.
(3) Also, the fact that in the summer time a lot of people leave the city,
so it’s a lot quieter than it normally is. It makes it feel like everything is moving slower,
and I appreciate that. I wouldn’t want it to be that way permanently, because
I enjoy the fast-paced business too, but it’s a nice break.
(4) Waking up and having an obligation to something or
someone that isn’t just myself, but that is greater than myself. It gives life meaning. For
me, that obligation is my puppy. He needs to be fed and taken outside. It’s the need to be needed.
(5) Waking up and getting to do this. Making videos. Even two-ish years later,
it’s surreal that this is the work that I do. It’s one of the most fulfilling things I’ve done. In my
previous jobs, I always felt easily replaceable, disposable, and I was. It wasn’t a good feeling.
(6) There are going to be a lot of “waking up”’s here, but waking up in a home
that I own. I think your living situation
has a major impact on your mental health; who you live with and where you live.
Are the people you live with disrupting your peace? Are you living alone and feeling
lonely? How about the city, or even country, you live in? What are you surrounded by?
Does walking outside the door feel good, or do you feel completely misplaced?
Really, Even if everything else in your life is going well, but you don’t like coming home,
or worse, if you dread coming home… No doubt that’s going to affect your mental health.
(7) I wasn’t really a morning walk type of person before I got a puppy. But now, I don’t know how I
could even go about my ways without them. There’s nothing quite as special as city mornings.
Going out for a walk early before the streets fill up with people
heading to work is like the calm before the storm. It’s so serene.
(8) A lot of the things I’ve mentioned and are going to mention are things that require money,
and I’ll say it, even if some people find it controversial:
I believe, without a doubt, that money does buy happiness, to some extent. Or at the very least,
it buys away a lot of stress, worries and inconveniences.
73% of Americans rank their finances as the No. 1 stress in life.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t recall a single time in my life
where stress boosted my happiness. I can remember plenty of times where it messed with it though.
And it’s not just about the peace of mind that comes with it. But being able to
treat the people you love, to give back… the joy that comes from that is undeniable.
Now, speaking of money…. (integration)
The more I think about the word “happiness”,
another word keeps coming to mind. “Freedom.” Or “Liberation. For example,
(9) I’ve been working on freeing myself from the emotional walls that I’ve put up.
Now this isn’t an easy one. I think we all want to protect our hearts. There’s
always this fear of opening up to and being vulnerable to the wrong person or getting hurt;
whether that’s romantically or in your friend group or to anyone, really.
But finding the courage to let yourself feel all the things you want to feel and to let it show,
and to then be appreciated and loved for it… it’s quite the beautiful feeling. B
Hiding behind self constructed walls may keep you safe, but it’ll also isolate you.
(10) Speaking of being yourself, and this is going to sound very much like a quote you put
on your facebook wall in 2011, but accepting myself for who I am and what I want and need.
Just like many of you, I’m introverted. I like my alone time. I don’t feel the need
to meet up with friends daily or even weekly. I don’t need
a group of 20 people to brunch with on the weekend. It’s not a desire I have.
Yet, still, when I used to see others doing that on social media, I’d question myself,
wondering if something was wrong with me for not wanting that. As a 20 something girl,
shouldn’t I also be traveling with my girlfriends and going partying? Am I
not living to the fullest because I’m not doing those things? I’d think to myself.
I started feeling FOMO for something I didn’t even want, which is really strange.
But I’ve fully come to terms with the fact that
that’s just not me and it’s simply not what I want. I was putting this
unnecessary pressure on myself, with expectations I didn’t even want to meet.
Because even when I pushed myself to do those things, I didn’t feel good.
Why? Because I was in the wrong room expecting to feel satisfied.
Figure out what room you want to be in and going there, regardless of what room other people
are going to, I believe greatly contributes to overall happiness.
(11) Walt Whitman wrote that “Happiness,
not in another place but this place...not for another hour, but this hour.”
As a chronic planner and risk-to-reward analyst in my personal life,
I’ve notoriously tried to take control of the wind rather than simply see where it takes me.
I’ve had a hard time just letting go and letting things be.
I’ve been more likely to ask the question
“what if it doesn’t work out?” rather than “what if it does work out?”.
It’s made it difficult to enjoy things. Like, you’re almost scared to be happy because what
if it’ll be taken away from you? Or because you know it’s about to end, like a trip or a concert.
I’m still working on being in the present by simply reminding myself
that the present is all we have for certain. It’s the whole “don’t worry,
be happy” sort of thing, which may sounds silly or even stupid for how
simplified it makes out happiness to be. But what’s the alternative? Worry, be miserable?
One quote that I have written down and that I like going back to is by Robin Hobb
and it goes ““Stop longing. You poison today’s ease, reaching always for tomorrow.”