(bright upbeat music)
- Hello, I'm Jonathan Decker, licensed therapist.
- I'm Alicia Decker, co-founder of Mended Light.
- And this segment is called "(record scratching)
That Therapists Say", because it has come to our attention
that not all therapists are the best,
and even great therapists
say some stupid (record scratching).
I'm sure I have before.
The issue with this is if you come to a therapist,
you're looking for guidance, you're looking for counseling,
you're looking for someone who can help through
some of the hardest things in your life.
And if a therapist is not just having an off day,
but insensitive or ignorant,
or flat out wrong,
it can do more damage than good.
And so we're seeking to undo,
we reached out to the community
and said, what are some of the most harmful things
that therapists have said to you,
and one thing that I could not believe,
like, absolutely blew my mind
was the implication that if a person was sexually abused
that that was in any way, shape, or form
that person's fault.
- What you just said
is one of the most insanely idiotic things
that I have ever heard.
- What do you think about that?
- Well, and I think in this situation
it's not just therapists that may say this.
- Yeah. - But it's family members,
you could use the word friends loosely
'cause I would say anybody that said that
is not your friend.
But people you know, acquaintances,
friends, family members.
Anyone saying that sexual abuse was the fault
of the person who was abused.
- Yes. - Is absolutely not true.
- Well, and we need to be taking this where it belongs,
to the perpetrators.
We need to be holding them accountable.
'Cause there's an idea out there, especially I mean,
it is true, women can sexually abuse men.
- Right. - But far more often,
it's the reverse. - Right.
- And there's this idea that men can't control themselves.
So if you dress a certain way,
or if you're flirtatious,
or if you know, you start to get physically involved
and then say nevermind,
that you were somehow asking for it
and you deserve what you got,
or at the very least, you shouldn't have put yourself
in that situation.
- You know what?
It's not my fault you're like, in love with me or something?
(breaks screeching) - What?
- Oh she did not.
- I mean, most people won't flat out say,
"You were raped and that's your fault"
or, "You were assaulted and that's your fault."
Most people actually wouldn't say those exact words.
But some sort of, oh, you should've been more careful,
or oh well, maybe next time don't act like that.
- Yeah. - Comes out a lot.
What are your thoughts on that?
- Most people who would say something like that,
they want to believe that that is the circumstance.
They want to believe like,
you must have done something.
Because if it's not on some level,
the person who was abused, their fault
than the reality is, it could happen to anyone.
- Yeah. - It could happen to them,
it could happen to their child, their friend.
And so they want to believe in their world of safety
that that couldn't happen
and then therefore, they're victim blaming.
- Right. - Because it creates more,
not real safety, but pretend safety
in their life. - The illusion of safety.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Like, that's not gonna happen to me
because I don't dress like that.
- Yeah. - Right, I don't wear
those clothes, that's not gonna happen to me because
I don't flirt with strangers,
or I don't get physically involved with, you know,
all sorts of- - With unsafe people.
- With unsafe people, right?
And the fact is, sexual abuse is tragically common.
I believe I read, was it one in four women?
- Yeah.
From personal experience, it's more like 9 in 10.
- So one in four maybe report it.
- Right. - And it gets recorded like,
with you know, on police or whoever.
But more like 9 out of 10 really.
Yeah, I believe that.
And it's not that like, all men are scum
but it's that you have, but, go ahead.
- Well it's so often the people who are abusers
abuse repeatedly before they're caught.
Statistically, anywhere from 50+ times
that they'll abuse someone before they're caught.
- Yeah, and there's various, I mean, trigger warning.
I guess this whole video is a trigger warning,
but I worked at a prison, at a juvenile detention center
with adolescents who were sexual offenders.
Like, that's what they were in there for.
And for many of them, they were victims first
and how they saw the world was power.
Who has power, who doesn't?
I've been powerless,
and the people who sexually assaulted me, they had the power
I want to be the powerful one now, right?
And like, their empathy, and that's not to say
that people who are sexually assaulted become assaulters
because many, many don't.
But for a lot of people,
their empathy is like, switched off.
And the work of therapy was getting them to a place
of actually realizing the damage that they'd done.
And it was amazing to see how many of them,
it would just completely break them down
when like, their humanity started to turn back on.
- Yeah. - You know?
And- - 'Cause they had shut it off,
to shut off the pain. - Yeah.
- Of their abuse.
- And that's not to say, oh poor sexual abusers.
- No.
- It's to say that people are human,
and when we look at sexual abusers,
you have people who are predators,
who are viscous, evil, nasty predators
and you have a lot of people who are like,
well this is how the world works.
And who buy into the narrative of
well, I would never, and this is, you know,
I hate to use the phrase, but this is the phrase,
the whole slut shaming thing, right?
Well I would never take advantage of a classy woman.
I would never take advantage of somebody who,
but you know, you should have seen how she was acting.
Or you saw what she was wearing,
or she got dressed, or she got drunk around all of us,
and why would she do that if she didn't want to be unsafe.
You know, like there's all sorts of things
that people buy into.
And unfortunately, we support that when we shame the victim.
Instead of saying no, this is very okay ever.
Ever, ever.
- Oh, you can't do this to me.
- Well and something else about trauma
is almost everyone internalizes that trauma.
So even without the implication of uneducated people
saying, well on some level this was your fault,
you already feel like it was your fault,
you already feel that it was something
that was innately wrong.
- Yeah. - With you.
- Yeah. - And so, that thought process
is so easily reinforced by careless
or naive, or- - Yeah.
- Uneducated individuals who imply
that it was the fault of the person
who was abused. - And that's why,
that's one of the reasons
why I wanted to do this video today
and I wanted to do it with you is,
this whole idea that anybody is asking for it,
that anyone gives up the right at any moment
to say no.
To say this is not okay for me, this is not what I want.
That someone by virtue of their behavior
or their dress has conceded their right
to be a human being
and is now, you know, a toy,
is now something to be used and discarded,
is wrong, is absolutely wrong.
And the reason I brought up the adolescents before
that I worked with, and I'm saying that not all people
who sexually offend are complete and total monsters,
the reason I say that is because
those who aren't,
when we shift the dialog to there is nobody
that you can just take, and take advantage of,
that is never okay.
Like, getting them to see that,
getting them to see that there is nobody
who is saying yes, do what you want with me
and if I say no, I'm just playing hard to get, right?
Or I'm less than human because of what I'm wearing
or how I'm acting.
Like, that is actually,
I mean the more I say it, they more they do sound
like monsters, but I guess,
I guess it's in my nature as a therapist,
I've worked with a lot of people who might,
I'm sitting in the room with them
and I'm appalled at what they've done.
I'm sitting in a room with them
and I'm sick at what they've done.
- You make me vomit.
- And in order for them to change the behavior,
I have to help them find their humanity.
It's very Luke and Darth Vader you know?
Like it's very, I mean this is a tangent
to what we're talking about today.
But it is related, it is important.
There's also this component of
abusers are people who are generally
in positions of power, that's how they can abuse.
- Right. - And if I'm in a position
of power, then I've created this facade
of who people think I am,
and so I can get away with all sorts of stuff
behind the scenes.
Because people believe I'm this great person, right?
And then if it comes out, like, there's an accuser,
well it has to be a false accusation.
They said that about Bill Cosby for years,
it has to be a false accusation.
They're just gold diggers, they're just looking for money,
they're just looking for their 15 minutes of fame.
I heard all those things for years.
As woman after woman came out about Bill Cosby,
because he was America's dad.
Because he was so wholesome, because he was so,
he'd done so much for Black America,
because, like, all these different reasons.
And that position of power and authority
and that image that he had concocted publicly
allowed him to get away with a lot of things.
Until the evidence was absolutely overwhelming.
And when the evidence was absolutely overwhelming,
then the discussion turned to okay, this happened.
So how did these women, in what ways
were they asking for it?
In what ways were they trying to make this happen?
In what ways, you know what I mean?
Like, all of it just made me sick.
You seemed you had something you wanted to say
a minute ago, I'm sorry.
- You were talking about positions of power.
- Yeah. - Right?
And if there's an adult and if there's a child,
there's always that dynamic
of the adult has the position of power.
- Yeah.
- And quite often, there is grooming behavior
associated with it.
And no child can ever consent.
You know, even if the child said okay,
like, this is okay.
No child can consent
to any sexual interaction. - Yeah.
- Like, they don't have the cognitive capability
to even understand what that is.
- And yet the perpetrator will convince them,
look what you made me do.
I mean, that is one way that- - Or, it's our secret.
- Or it's our secret. - Or if you tell someone,
I'm gonna hurt someone you care about,
or nobody else will believe you.
And so if you experience that as a child,
you need to know that that was nothing you can,
you could have consented to.
- And then there's also the,
this is how we show love.
This is how we show, I mean, grooming kids to believe
that this is a normal part, I mean,
I've worked with clients.
I have one client in particular, who she remembers
going over to a friends house
and realizing that that friend's father
doesn't sexually abuse her friend.
- Yeah.
- And just recognizing this isn't normal
what's going on at my house,
this isn't you know.
And it never occurred to her before.
- Right.
- And that's the thing, whether you're an adult,
whether you were a child,
whatever stage this was in,
no matter what was going on,
no matter what anyone said to you.
And a lot of you understand this on a cognitive level
but on an emotional level, it's hard to get over.
Like, rationally you can say, this wasn't my fault.
But emotionally, it still very much feels like it is.
- Right. - Because to a kid,
you want to believe that the adults in your life are safe.
And if there's a problem then it's my fault
because if it's my fault, I can fix it.
If it's not my fault, and it really just is the adults,
then I'm not with safe people.
And so you internalize, this is my fault,
this is me, this is me, this is me.
And the only way out of it is, in my opinion
I mean, there's lots of steps to trauma treatment
but a big part of it is what advice would you give somebody
who was in your shoes.
'Cause a lot of people feel like I deserved that.
Would you say that you anybody else?
No, absolutely, I would say that
you couldn't have chosen that, you had no control over that.
You didn't deserve that, right?
- It's not your fault.
(man crying)
It's not your fault.
- We want to thank you all for joining us today
on "(record scratching) Therapist's Say"
And (record scratching) other people say.
There's a lot of (record scratching) out there.
Be careful not to step in it.
The fact is, not all advice is good advice.
So if you have received advice from a therapist
or anybody else, check it against your gut,
check it against your heart, your mind, your soul
and ask other trusted sources,
don't be afraid to get a second opinion.
If you have questions about how to overcome
the scars of sexual abuse, we're here to help you,
please sound off in the comments below.
Or you can send us a private message on Facebook,
just look for Mended Light.
We have numerous pages and crews,
we will find your message.
- If you're struggling with healing from trauma,
check out our video, "How Trauma Effects the Brain."
And will you do me a favor?
If this video has helped you,
please share it with those you know and love
that are experiencing the same challenge.
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Remember to keep shining, we need your light.
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