- [Narrator] This is the story of the Halloween franchise
in three minutes, let's begin.
15 years after six-year-old Michael Myers
kills his teenage sister with a kitchen knife,
he escapes a mental institution and returns to Haddonfield!
He's pursued by his therapist, Dr. Loomis.
Michael borrows a mechanic's uniform
and dons the iconic pale William Shatner mask,
arriving home just in time for Halloween.
He steals his sister's gravestone,
breaks into his old house,
and stalks three teenage babysitters,
breathing heavily all day.
That night, he strangles two babysitters to death
and stabs a boyfriend to the wall.
Laurie Strode, the smart one who studies
and doesn't have sex, escapes!
Let that be a lesson to ya, kids!
Laurie gets the kids to safety
and Loomis shoots Michael (gunshot bangs)
off a balcony, but his body disappears.
A frantic Loomis combs the neighborhood
until they crush Michael (brakes squealing)
between a cop car and a van, (vehicles crashing)
which explodes, but it isn't Michael,
it's just some teen in the wrong mask at the wrong time.
Michael follows Laurie to the hospital,
where he kills off the staff one by one.
Loomis investigates a cryptic message
Michael left at a school.
Dr. Marion Chambers reveals to Loomis
Laurie Strode is in fact Michael Myers' baby sister.
Michael corners Loomis and Laurie in an operating room.
Laurie flees as Loomis sacrifices himself
to stop Michael. (flames crackling)
Michael somehow stumbles away from the explosion,
but collapses. (bell ringing)
Anyway, forget literally all of that,
because Halloween III, Season of the Witch,
has nothing to do with Michael Myers
or anything really.
An alcoholic deadbeat dad abandons his kids
to help an attractive woman investigate
an eccentric toy factory tycoon.
The toy boss has an army of robots
and a diabolical plan to kill all children
over the world via annoying TV-commercial-activated
Halloween masks that make the wearers' heads explode
with gross bugs.
Also, something about Stonehenge, who knows?
Michael Myers wakes from a coma to chase
Laurie's secret daughter Jamie and her foster sister Rachel.
Dr. Loomis returns to Haddonfield,
running around pointing a gun at basically everyone
as usual. (electricity crackling)
Michael electrocutes a guy so bad, the whole town
loses power, causing angry rednecks
to form a lynch mob. (angry crowd shouting)
Michael slashes his way through teenagers and cops
till Rachel hits him with a fire extinguisher.
The lynch mob drives Rachel and Jamie to safety.
Michael catches a ride too, killing the men.
Rachel manages to throw Michael off the truck
and use it against him.
More townsfolk show up just in time
to fill Michael full of bullets, sending him
to a mine shaft.
Back home, Jamie's evil surfaces
and she kills her mom, causing Dr. Loomis to scream a lot!
Michael returns a year later
and kills Rachel, a bunch of her friends,
and a few insufferable cops with whatever you can find
at a Home Depot.
Michael chases Jamie to the old Myers house,
where Loomis shoots him (gunshot bangs)
with a tranquilizer gun.
The cops apprehend Michael,
but a mysterious man in black frees him.
Six years later, Jamie and her new boy escape a cult
led by the man in black, but she's killed
shortly after hiding the baby.
Paul Rudd, uh, Tommy Doyle, finds the baby.
Loomis and his pal Dr. Wynn head to Haddonfield.
A few stabbings and a head explosion later,
Wynn is revealed to be the man in black!
The cult abducts Tommy, Loomis, the baby,
and some relatives of Laurie's.
Michael's usual killing spree is cut short
when Tommy shoots him full of syringes,
then beats him to death with a pipe!
Tommy escapes with Kara and the baby.
Dr. Loomis chooses to stay behind.
Forget those last few movies,
Laurie Strode and her teenage son
live under a new identities at a boarding school
where she's a headmistress.
Michael tracks down Laurie's new address and hits the road
just in time for Halloween. (crowd screaming)
He terrorizes Laurie's son and his rowdy pals.
Laurie fights off her crazed brother
until he falls from a balcony.
Laurie tries to stab the lifeless Michael
but is stopped by campus guard LL Cool J,
making slasher movie history as a black character
who actually survives!
Laurie steals the ambulance carrying Michael's body,
driving it off the road and pinning him to a tree,
where she chops his head off!
Except it wasn't Michael!
Laurie actually beheaded a paramedic that Michael
put his mask on!
Michael tracks Laurie to an asylum
and drops her off a roof!
Meanwhile, a group of rowdy teens are selected
to spend Halloween night at the Myers house
for a webcam reality show run by Busta Rhymes
and Tyra Banks.
Michael kills almost everyone until Busta Rhymes
kung fu kicks him the (bleep) out a window!
Michael burns in a garage!
This time he stays dead all the way to the morgue.
(video rewinding)
40 years after his Halloween massacre in Haddonfield,
some podcasters visit Michael Myers
in the mental hospital and show him his old mask.
The vibes make everyone else flip out,
but he doesn't react. (rumbling)
For some reason, the hospital decides to transfer him
the night before Halloween, and what are the odds?
His bus crashes!
He gets loose and kills the podcasters,
and takes his mask back.
Meanwhile, Laurie tries to reconnect with her daughter
and granddaughter, who are tired
of how traumatized she still is
from that whole serial killer thing.
Michael gets back to Haddonfield on Halloween night,
kills some teens, parents, and cops, and it's revealed
that his doctor was evil and helped him escape,
but Michael doesn't care, he kills that guy too!
Oh, and there's this old police officer
from the first movie, but that doesn't really go anywhere.
Man, this movie has a lot of weird threads!
Michael corners Laurie and her family
in her spooky house full of mannequins,
but they trap him in the basement and burn the place down,
and then hitch a ride to safety
in the back of a truck!
And that's it, those are all of the Halloween movies,
they didn't make any more of them.
And they definitely didn't remake them.
Okay, fine, here's what happened
in the Rob Zombie Halloween movies in more time
than they deserve.
Michael was a dirty kid from a gross family
and it takes an entire hour for Michael to grow up
and get to Haddonfield on Halloween night.
Then there's that sequel nobody was asking for,
where he follows his mom's ghost
and like a weird spectral horse around town
while trying to kill Laurie again.
Yes, thankfully, these never happened.
And that's Halloween in three!
Is that timer right?
Wow, I went way over this time.
Well, that's Halloween in four minutes, I guess,
until the sequels come out,
and we try to keep it under five minutes!
Don't forget to stab that like button.
(sinister music)
(static)