The stock market.
It's like a casino without the buffets.
And for the last 24 hours, it's been on a wild ride.
-♪ ♪ -Breaking news tonight.
Market meltdown.
-(bell ringing) -As the coronavirus spreads,
stocks take a nosedive,
the Dow closing down more than 2,000 points,
the market's worst day since the 2008 financial crisis.
REPORTER: Wall Street's wild ride continued today.
The Dow surged after President Trump talked
about an economic stimulus plan.
You can see stocks rallied in that final hour of trading,
up 1,100 points, to finish the day at 25,018.
Man, the stock market is crazy.
Yesterday, it crashes. Then, today, it surges again.
Like, it's so extra right now.
It's always weird to me how the stock market
never seems to have any sense of history. Right?
'Cause it's like everything that happens is happening forever,
and then everything that's good is happening forever.
It's almost like the way dogs think.
That's who seems like they run the stock market, right?
'Cause that's how dogs are. Whatever's happening
is happening forever. When you leave the house,
they're just like, "Oh, no. You're leaving? You're going?
"You're going forever. I'm gonna starve.
I'm gonna die! Oh, my God!"
And then you come back. They're like, "You're home!
"You're never gonna leave! This is so great!
"We're gonna do so many-- Wait, you're going again?
I'm gonna die!"
Just breathe, stock market.
But, yes, the stock market dropped 2,000 points yesterday,
wiping out $528 billion,
which-- I'll be honest-- I never understand.
'Cause, like, where did it go?
What do you mean you lost $528 billion?
Like, what does-- what does that-- Every time they say that,
I'm like, "Have you checked your other jeans?"
That's where most of the money is.
And a lot of people are afraid of the market these days,
but I'm-I'm making money consistently
on the stock market. I'll-I'll even share my tip with you guys.
Forget investing in companies. What I do is
I put all my money in green lines that go up
and red lines that go down.
Yeah. I make a fortune no matter what.
I also don't understand finance.
And I normally don't feel sorry for Wall Street,
but, with the coronavirus,
I feel like they're going through a lot. Yeah.
Because the one thing guys on Wall Street like to do
when Wall Street is crashing is the one thing
you're not allowed to do because of corona--
put your hands on your face. Yeah.
So they spent all day yesterday like, "Oh, no. My money.
"Oh, no! Corona! Oh, no. My money.
Oh, no! Corona!"
(shouting)
(cheering and applause)
All right, but let's move on to some international news.
Because, while corona is shaking up the stock market,
Vladimir Putin is shaking up Russia's constitution.
Russian President Vladimir Putin has suggested
that he is not against a proposed amendment
to the constitution
that could keep him in power for many years.
REPORTER: Vladimir Putin came to parliament and said
if the constitutional court says yes,
then it should be possible for the current president,
him, to run again.
And that means he could run for two more terms in office.
That's 12 more years of Vladimir Putin.
He could be in power until 2036.
Yes, Vladimir Putin is trying to change the constitution
so that he can stay in power
long after he's supposed to leave.
And that is bad, but at least now America can see
that there's nothing personal,
because Russia even meddles in its own elections.
And this is big news.
Because-- you realize-- Putin is 67 years old now.
So if he gets these additional terms,
he'll only leave office when he's 83 years old,
which is just young enough to run for president in America.
I do feel bad for the Russian people
who care about democracy though, like,
especially Putin's supporters, you know?
Yeah, because what do they chant at his rallies?
Huh? You don't even know what to chant.
Just like, "Four more years! Four..."
He's like, "Just four?" "Uh, eight more year..."
"Just eight?" "Uh, you tell us!
You tell us!"
What's interesting about this story as well
is that Putin is a dictator, but it's interesting
how he still goes through the Russian legislature
and the courts to try and change it.
It's a reminder that constitutions
are only as valuable as the people who safeguard them.
Right? I mean, like, that would only apply here
if America ever got a president with a bunch of lackeys
in Congress who let him fill the courts with whoever he wanted.
Then Americans would be in big trouble,
but that can't ever happen.
I mean, that's not real, right?
Uh, let's move on to some news coming out of Africa.
Because climate change has been affecting weather patterns
across the globe, some people in the motherland
are experiencing it more than most.
It is a locust invasion of epic proportions,
and it is swarming East Africa right now.
So, the United Nations says that these insects
could decimate the region's food supply,
and it's concerned it could become a full-blown plague.
REPORTER: For three months now, swarms of desert locusts
have been eating their way through East Africa.
Here in Kenya's Laikipia County,
people bang utensils to try and ward off
an increasing menace to their livelihoods,
all to no avail.
The locusts keep coming.
A voracious appetite means these locusts eat
the equivalent of their own body weight in a single day.
Beans, maize, pasture for animals--
nothing stands a chance.
-Oh, hell, no. -(laughter)
First corona, now locusts?
I hope we're not seeing a reboot of the Old Testament.
Yeah, because, then, as first-born sons,
-we'll have to worry. -(laughter)
Although Trump is probably gonna be like,
"Can we do second-born this time?"
(laughter)
"Go with Jesus, Eric. He's a nice man.
Go with him. Go with him."
(applause)
And this is one of the things
that's really sad about climate change, all right?
Although it's affecting everyone,
the effects are felt
in very different ways in developing nations.
Because in a first-world country,
a lot of climate change is abstract.
It's like, "Did you hear
"that Aspen might not have the best snow
for skiing this year?"
Whereas in Africa, it's like,
"Can you hear anything besides the locusts?!"
"What? I can't hear you over the locusts!"
It's a lot harder to deny climate change
when locusts are eating all of your food.
Like, that's maybe one thing
that Americans need to do to get everyone on board.
Just have the locusts come to America
and start taking all the tables at Olive Garden. Yeah.
Then you will see Congress take action.
"I couldn't get anything!"
Yeah, and once they show up, locusts are crazy.
They can decimate a field of crops.
Then they fly 100 miles to eat another crop.
Yeah. It won't be the same in America, though,
'cause, like, food in Africa isn't modified.
If locusts try to do that with American food,
they would eat at one place, and then, they'd be like,
-"Uh, I-I need to sleep now. I need to sleep." -(laughter)
"I can't... I can't fly anymore."