i'm sitting in the office of jordan
schlansky he's an associate producer at
the show
and uh it's come to my attention
recently
that on fridays for some reason
he doesn't come in until very late uh it
is now 12
20. now jordan schlansky
so i'm sitting and i'm waiting because i
want to get to the bottom
of what the jordan does every friday
this guy's got a kaiser roll in a bag
olive oil
and mini special specialized pepper
grinder grinder
look at this it's got a giant thing of
wipes
now does this look like the office of
someone who's afraid of germs
aloe fresh hydrating gel
espresso cups
he's got two in case he ever makes a
friend
[Laughter]
[Music]
oh
that's your reaction you just walk into
your office
it feels like an acceptable reaction to
[Music]
me
it's come to my attention that you like
to drift in late on fridays
okay well i work later on fridays than a
lot of people
and i feel like i'm able to adequately
accomplish what i need to in the time
that i'm here
i've uh prepared my daily task ahead of
me already
your daily task what's your daily task
pour olive oil onto a kaiser roll
let me ask you uh jordan what you were
doing this morning well i woke up
i immediately had a protein shake
i've been experimenting with oats and
whey
well i woke up i immediately had a
protein shake
i've been experimenting with oats and
whey
i woke up i immediately had a protein
shake
i've been experimenting with oats and
whey
[Laughter]
eating experimenting with oats and whey
i was trying to avoid synthetic
maltodextrin which is derived from corn
and i had read that oats is a good
source of complex carbohydrates when
mixed with whey
can i ask you a quick question are you
wearing your sunglasses while you're
making the shake
would you like me to remove them what do
you think would be the human thing
you've studied humans on our planet
you got up you had your way in oak shake
then what then i prepared my body in
various ways
i cleaned it shaved it and got dressed
what do you mean
okay i want to make it very clear to
everyone at home
this has come really happening this is
completely real
this isn't scripted you just said all
those things
this is a real person there's a set of
people asking me
how did you find that guy who writes his
stuff you just said that
you just said i prepare my body in
various ways
did you say you shaved it i did shave it
remove your shirt
please if you don't mind
so this is freshly shaved this area uh
no i didn't say i shaved my chest
i didn't say it i shaved my entire body
what part of your body did you shave
my face oh just your face
oh you saved down below down south
i believe that's a private matter you
just took your shirt off
and i just asked you if you shaved your
your john dory do you that's a problem
you draw the line there in terms of
talking about my
daily grooming rituals yes yes
okay you can put your shirt back on wait
a minute
put the sunglasses on but leave the
shirt off
thank you why do you have these they
were sent to me by who
by a woman that i know a woman sent you
these
correct the very definition of having
this is proof that you don't know a
woman
you're not making eye contact with me
why would i
oh god i like to help you be on time
from now on i
think that will be good for you so we
have some devices that might help
will this be helpful to you this clock
i don't see how you could have this at
home
and it will tell you what time it is and
then you will know
i should probably get to work my lack of
awareness of the time
is not responsible for the hour that i
arrive in the office
i'd like you to hang this one in the
office
and i'd like you to strap this one to
your vespa
then you'll be sort of the italian
douchebag
flava flame i also want you to know
that you're being monitored at all times
by this camera
i will constantly be monitoring that
camera to make sure
that one of my workers is a real busy
bee buzz buzz
this is a good old-fashioned time
you were to punch in and punch out every
day
i've had this machine brought back would
you like to check in
yes
i don't think the device works try again
you have to put it in the very center
you know how i knew it was the very
center yeah i've worked for a living
[Applause]