I gotta face swap this bad boy.
What's the deal, man?
You're like, totally manking up my lawn.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
*clears throat*
I'm you.
But from the future.
The year 2017.
Don't you recognise yourself, Sonic?
What's with the bandages?
Oh, it's part of an edgier look that Sega-
Hey, it's cool!
*awkward silence*
Not!
Props for the effort, man.
You totally nailed the look.
But there's nothing you can say that'll make me believe that
YOU'RE FROM THE FUTURE
The Saturn's going to flop.
You'll spend YEARS in sub-par spin-off limbo land.
Until that smug poop-smith Mario starts including you in HIS games!
Mario? That mushroom poppin' turd herder?
No way. You're lying.
I wish I were.
That's why I'm here.
I can help you to make your future-
OUR future
better.
Go on...
Sonic 3D, Flicky's Island.
Don't do it.
It's the beginning of the end.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!
It's the LACK of 3D Sonics that kills the Saturn!
WOOOOAAAAAHHHH
Oh wow, I get a cool gun in the future?
I swiped it off one of the MANY unecessary spin-off characters
that you'll have to deal with in the, uh, future.
Oh, but if you've killed him, won't that screw up the timeline?
It doesn't matter.
Because you're gonna follow my advice and NOT do 3D.
Right?
Ok man, you've made your point.
I won't do 3D.
DUDE!
In my timeline,
funding 2D games is tougher than running Labyrinth Zone on crack!
You need to get crowdsourcing the cash, or you'll never be finished!
Ok, I'll-
Who's there?
The crowdsourcing is doomed!
An embezzling developer
means I'm stuck like this
FOREVER!
It's times like this I'm reminded how scary the PRE-Google world was.
I mean, I have NO IDEA how to fix this.
Come on.
There must be other ways for games to make money in the future?
Sure.
There's this thing called freemium
but it's kind of...
eh, grubby.
It's fine, I'll do it!
Nay, 90s progenitor!
'Tis not the answer!
Lament upon our tale of woe!
Oh. Uh, you might wanna-
Silence!
In our timeline,
the once illustrious Sonic the Hedgehog
is relegated to the role of plummeting coloured collectible
in mobile games aimed at idle harridans!
Hark!
The prophets have spoken!
Uh, the middle-aged women mobile gaming market
probably is NOT the way to go.
It SUCKS!
Yeah it really does.
SONIC!
Sonic!
Toys!
Toys are a mainstay of the young.
Seek an alliance with the greatest crafters
of diverting playthings!
Okaaaaayyyy...
Please kill me.
This passes for a toy in the future?!
Man, there must be other types of toys that-
Before you ask
Yes.
I'm *very* profitable.
*vibrates*
Don't even THINK about it.
*thinks about it*
God's mobius...
I'm rule 34 Sonic, darling.
And I'm here to tell ALL of you
there's a whole timeline full of fans
desperate for you to prickle them in their mystic caves
and stimulate their special zones.
*muffled catawampus*
EVERYBODY SHUT UP!
I get it.
There's a whole bunch of folks who want Sonic to be a whole bunch of different things.
I say that the Sonic of the future should be for everyone!
Fans should get to make Sonic how they want.
Imagination has no speed limit.
Right?
*it is time*
*the chosen one is coming*
*he is the one true sonic*
SANIC SANIC SANIC
SANIC!
*muffled catawampus*
STOP!
If I pull this trigger, I'll be dead!
And none of you will ever exist!
SANIC!
Well, this is awkward...
*cough*
sanic
Miles Tails Prower.
Loveable hero and inseparable sidekick to Sonic the Hedgehog.
Or so the story goes.
But all tales have two sides.
Tonight, on Secret Histories
We unravel the twisted tale of innocent infatuation
turned deadly obsession.
Portrait of the perfect side kick.
Famed partner to Sonic the Hedgehog.
And renowned mechanical wizard.
Or is he?
Segacorp.
They were my sponsor.
It's how everybody did it back then.
Mario, Pacman, that coked up dog guy,
So I do the hero thing and Sega slaps their logo on it.
Eventually I ran my course.
And that's when word came down from the Sega suits.
I needed a side kick.
Game over.
Sonic, this is Tails!
Your partner AND your new best friend.
I keep telling you I don't NEED a damn partner
He's just going to slow me down.
Sonic and Tails.
BEST FRIENDS
Really?
Sonic relax.
It's just for the public.
Nothing's changed.
Just do your Sonic thing and don't even worry about Tails.
It'll be like he's not even there.
*best friends*
*best friends
*best friends*
He was always there.
Anywhere Sonic was, Tails was just...
hovering around.
It seemed so...
innocent at first un- until...
*sobs*
the accidents started happenning.
*crying*
Knuckles and Sonic had finally set their differences aside.
And their team was better than ever!
It wasn't long before they were like best friends.
But then...
It happened.
*sobbing*
We could barely recognise him.
They said it was some kind of freak battery malfunction.
But even then...
I had my suspicions.
Then there was Shadow.
Rivals, but like brothers.
The official reports were that Shadow's hover boots short circuited.
Sonic the Hedgehog was devastated.
We couldn't prove anything
and he knew it.
That's when I decided
I'd use myself as bait.
There he is!
Why?
WHYYY? HAHAHA
THEY WERE IMPOSTORS SONIC!
THEY DIDN'T LOVE YOU
I LOVED YOU
YOU THINK THEY WERE YOUR FRIENDS?
I WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND SONIC!!!
DON'T YOU GET IT?
SONIC'S BEST FRIEND IS TAILS
MEEEEE
Tails, please
Just give yourself up
You need help!
You have never once
ever could be
or ever WILL be my friend.
Ever.
You sick. Twisted. FUCK!
That's it.
I get it now.
If Tails is Sonic's best friend
And I'm NOT your best friend
Oh no
THEN YOU AREN'T SONIC!
It was the last anyone had seen of Tails.
Even so
Sega Corp tried to keep the wheels running.
That was the last we saw of him.
Sega Corp tried to bring on new characters and side kicks
It just wasn't the same.
Maybe he was right.
For all the world knew, Sonic and Tails were best pals.
That was the Sonic Sega sold to the public.
The Sonic I couldn't be.
Maybe he was right.
Maybe
I wasn't Sonic.
You're too slow *coughs*
I can't heaaarrr youuuuu...
You're too SLOOOW *sobbing*
Come on, Sonic!
Do it!
Do it for your old pal!
God no, PLEASE!
You're too slow!
YOU'RE TOO SLOOOOOOOOOOO
*best friends*