LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- JOHN MULANEY
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." MY NAME IS JOHN MULANEY.
IF YOU'RE AT HOME AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM, I'M SORRY.
I'M LIKE LOUIS FARRAKHAN, I MEAN A LOT TO A SMALL GROUP OF
PEOPLE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT'S A LEAP YEAR SATURDAY, AND I'M THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER
HOST EYE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" ON A LEAP YEAR SATURDAY.
THAT'S VERY EXCITING. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES. I AM ALSO THE FIRST HOST TO EVER
DO THE LEAST IN BETWEEN HIS SECOND AND THIRD TIME HOSTING.
[ LAUGHTER ] I HAVE NOTHING COMING UP.
I AM HERE TO PROMOTE THE MONTH OF MARCH.
[ LAUGHTER ] MARCH, IF WINTER HAD SPRING.
MARCH. CLAP IF YOUR FATHER IS BETWEEN
THE AGES OF 60 AND 75. WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THEM?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM? THEY'RE SO EMOTIONAL.
MY DAD HUGS ME SO TIGHTLY SOMETIMES, I'M LIKE, IS ONE OF
US ABOUT TO DIE? AND MY DAD HAS NO FRIENDS.
AND YOUR DAD HAS NO FRIENDS. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU MAY THINK HE HAS FRIENDS, BUT HE DOESN'T.
YOUR MOM HAS FRIENDS, AND THEY HAVE HUSBANDS.
THOSE ARE NOT YOUR DAD'S FRIENDS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] WHY DON'T ANY OF OUR BABY BOOMER
DADS HAVE FRIENDS? I HAVE A FEW THEORIES.
ONE, THEY FORGOT. [ LAUGHTER ]
TWO, THEY WANT TO BE ALONE. DADS WANT TO BE ALONE.
I'M NOT A DAD, BUT I OBSERVED ONE GROWING UP.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] AND HE WOULD GO IN A ROOM, HE
WANTED TO BE ALONE, AND READ ABOUT WORLD WAR II.
ALL OUR DADS ARE CRAMMING FOR A WORLD WAR II QUIZ SHOW.
BUT IT WILL BE GREAT TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL SOME DAY AND SEE ALL
OF OUR DADS JUST RACKING UP $900,000 ON NORMANDY TRIVIA.
[ LAUGHTER ] MY THIRD THEORY, DADS ONLY THINK
ABOUT MONEY. BUT YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK
ABOUT MONEY IN THIS COUNTRY, IT'S TABOO.
A FRIEND OF MINE ONCE SAID TO ME, HE SAID, "I WOULD RATHER MY
WIFE DIE THAN GO THROUGH A DIVORCE."
HE SAID THAT TO ME. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
LATER THAT DAY, I ASKED HIM HOW MUCH HE MADE IN A YEAR.
AND HE SAID, "HEY, THAT'S PERSONAL."
[ LAUGHTER ] >> IT'S HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS
WHEN YOU'RE AN ADULT MALE. I THINK THAT'S THE MIRACLE OF
JESUS, TRULY. HE WAS A 33-YEAR-OLD MAN AND HE
HAD 12 BEST FRIENDS, AND THEY WERE NOT HIS WIFE'S FRIENDS
HUSBANDS, AND HE DIDN'T MEET THEM A LONG TIME AGO IN SCHOOL.
HE MET THEM IN HIS 30s. 12 BEST FRIENDS.
REMEMBER WHEN YOUR DAD WENT FISHING ONCE?
HE AND HIS BEST FRIENDS WENT FISHING EVERY DAY.
AND HE WOULD DO MAGIC TRICKS FOR THEM.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THEY LOVED EVERY SECOND OF
IT. JESUS DID MAGIC FOR HIS FRIENDS,
UNTIL THE ONE TIME HE NEEDED TO DO MAGIC.
AND THEN HE DIDN'T. HE FAILED TO DO MAGIC.
THAT WILL MUST HAVE BEEN DISAPPOINTING FOR HIS 12 BEST
FRIENDS. DO THE CHAINS TRICK.
I DON'T KNOW THAT ONE. >> IT IS LEAP YEAR, AS I SAID,
IT BEGAN IN 45 B.C. UNDER JULIUS CEASAR.
HE STARTED LEAP YEAR IN ORDER TO CORRECT THE CALENDAR AND WE
STILL DO IT TO THIS DAY. HE WAS A POWERFUL MANIAC THAT
ALL THE SENATORS GRABBED KNIVES AND THEY STABBED HIM TO DEATH.
THAT WOULD BE AN INTERESTING THING IF WE BROUGHT THAT BACK.
I ASKED MY LAWYER IF I COULD MAKE THAT JOKE, HE SAID, LET ME
CALL ANOTHER LAWYER, AND THAT LAWYER SAID YES.
I DON'T WANT TO DWELL ON POLITICS, BUT I DISLIKE THE
FOUNDING FATHERS IMMENSELY. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ARE LIKE, GOD
HAS NEVER CREATED SUCH A GREAT GROUP OF MEN THAN THE FOUNDING
FATHERS. YEAH, THE '92 BULLS.
THAT'S A PERFECT METAPHOR FOR THE UNITED STATES.
WHEN I WAS A BOY, THE UNITED STATES WAS LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN
IN 1992. NOW THE UNITED STATES IS LIKE
MICHAEL JORDAN NOW. THE FOUNDING FATHERS WERE DUMB,
BECAUSE THEY MADE THE CONSTITUTION AND THEY NUMBERED
IT, AND THE ORDER IS WEIRD. THEY SAT DOWN, THEY HAD A
FEATHER, THEY KNEW HOW TO MAKE A PEN, THEY WERE JUST JERKS.
NUMBER ONE, FREEDOM OF SPEECH, FREEDOM OF ASSEMBLY AND FREEDOM
OF RELIGION. NUMBER TWO, YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE
GUNS YOU WANT. NUMBER TWO?
HOW ABOUT LIKE 17, 19? "NO!
TWO! [ LAUGHTER ]
GUNS!" ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST PUT IT FOR
TWO. HE SEEMS UPSET.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT, AMENDMENT NUMBER
THREE. "THE ARMY CAN'T LIVE IN YA
HOUSE!" [ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY, MAN, I THINK YOU'RE GOING THROUGH YOUR OWN THING IN LIFE
RIGHT NOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND I FEEL FOR YOU. I THINK, LIKE, A SOLDIER IS
SLEEPING WITH YOUR WIFE, AND YOU WANT TO GRAB A GUN AND KILL HIM.
BUT THIS IS A FOREVER LIST. WE HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO
BASICS, LIKE MORNING TIME IS WHEN YOU EAT BREAKFAST.
PUT THIS DOWN IN WRITING, THE ARMY CAN'T LIVE IN YA HOUSE.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT DON'T WE ALL THANK GOD EVERY
DAY FOR THAT THIRD AMENDMENT? [ LAUGHTER ]
THE OTHER AFTERNOON, THIS WAS TUESDAY, I WAS IN MY APARTMENT,
AND THE BUZZER RANG. AND IT WAS THE 101st AIRBORNE.
AND -- [ LAUGHTER ]
THEY SAID, "PERMISSION TO LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE?"
AND I WENT, "THIRD AMENDMENT." "GENTLEMEN, HE'S INVOKED THE
THIRD. LET'S FALL OUT AND FIND ANOTHER
HOUSE TO LIVE IN. A THING THAT WE DO."
[ LAUGHTER ] UNTIL SUMMARY AND IN SUMMATION,
A VERY NICE THING HAPPENED TO ME THIS YEAR.
THIS IS TRULY LOVELY. A YOUNG WOMAN FROM THE
MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION MADE IT HER WISH TO MEET ME.
I WAS FLATTERED BY THAT. I WAS ALSO CONCERNED THAT SHE
USED HER WISH ON ME. 'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO WISH TO
MEET ME, I'M AROUND. [ LAUGHTER ]
I'M ON THE 4/5 EXPRESS TRAIN OFTEN AND THE 6.
I TAKE THE 6. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
YOU CAN FIND ME. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU NEED TO MAKE-A-PLAN FOUNDATION TO FIND ME.
BUT I WANTED TO DO IT, SHE SAID, I WANT TO SEE HOW YOU SPEND A
DAY. I SAID OH, NO, THAT'S EVEN
WORSE. I WOULDN'T WISH THAT ON A
HEALTHY ADULT. [ LAUGHTER ]
I DIDN'T WANT HER TO SIT AROUND WATCHING ME EAT SOUR PATCH KIDS
AND REPEATING GOSSIP. [ LAUGHTER ]
SO I BROUGHT HER TO THE STUDIO HERE.
I BROUGHT HER TO "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," 'CAUSE I KEPT MY ID
BADGE. AND I BROUGHT THIS GIRL,
ELIZABETH, UP. AND THEY WERE REHEARSING A BIG
DEBATE SKETCH, THIS IS IN THE FALL.
AND LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA WAS HERE. HE WAS PLAYING JULIAN CASTRO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YEAH.
AND THE LITTLE GIRL, ELIZABETH, SHE SEES HIM AND SHE GOES, "IS
THAT LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA?" AND I GO, "YOU WANT TO MEET
LIN?" I DIDN'T KNOW IF HE WENT BY LIN
OR LIN-MANUEL. AND I DON'T KNOW HIM.
BUT -- I SAID, COME ON, LET'S GO.
SO, I GO, "LIN-MANUEL -- [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS ELIZABETH. ELIZABETH, THIS IS LIN-MANUEL."
[ LAUGHTER ] HE WAS SO NICE TO HER AND HE
TOOK A PHOTO WITH HER. AND IT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
AND WE WERE WALKING DOWN THAT HALLWAY RIGHT THERE.
AND WE'RE WALKING DOWN THE HALL, AND SHE WENT, "I DON'T KNOW IF I
SHOULD SAY THIS." AND I SAID, "ELIZABETH YOU CAN
SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT." AND SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID,
"LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA WAS MY FIRST CHOICE."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] I SAID, "THAT'S FANTASTIC.
AND I MADE YOUR WISH COME TRUE." WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. DAVID BYRNE IS HERE.
STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
(APPLAUSE)