[MUSIC PLAYING]
A very special episode of "The Bachelor" starts right now.
This season, the drama--
This Mama means business.
--the heartbreak, the tears, and the most surprising contestant
yet.
Hi, ladies!
Listen, I didn't come here to make friends,
and I didn't come to make toast.
I came for two things.
To get a man--
that's one-- and to drink tequila,
and I'm out of tequila.
The most dramatic and the most drunk episode
of "The Bachelor."
Ah, just a little bit more!
Now where's my man?
"The Bachelor" starts right now.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Thank you.
Happy Halloween, everybody!
Have a seat.
You all look wonderful.
Ellen's Halloween show is being preempted for a special episode
of "The Bachelor."
Any Bachelor fans here?
[CHEERING]
If you don't know the show, it's what
would happen if the Hunger Games was
sponsored by Don Julio Tequila.
It's Halloween.
It's still going to be a scary show.
That's what Ellen would want.
So when I meet the new Bachelor, I'm
going to scare the pants off of him.
What, what!
Here's the really scary thing.
Since this is "The Bachelor," this show
is going to be six hours long.
So you know-- oh--
[CHEERING]
You know, I forgot to introduce myself.
I'm so sorry.
I apologize deeply.
My name is Kelllly with four l's, because there are
six other Kellys on this show.
So this season, you can call me Kelllly D!
But that's not my initial.
That's the breast size.
Do you like the outfit, though?
Do you like it?
[CHEERING]
Thank you.
My dress is from Versace, and my boobs are made from Mattel.
I am a dental assistant from New Jersey.
And people ask me, what's the difference
between a dental hygienist and a dental assistant?
And it's simple.
A dental hygienist wears a white coat and cleans the teeth,
and a dental assistant puts out on the first date.
What, what!
I came here to win.
This show is my one shot to find love, unless I lose.
And then I can try again on "The Bachelorette," "The Bachelor
Pad," "Bachelor in Paradise," Bachelor
in Paradise after Paradise.
But that's enough about me.
I want to meet my future husband.
Bring out The Bachelor.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
What, what?
Wow!
Hi.
Oh--
Hi.
It's really nice to meet you.
Oh, well, it's nice to meet you too.
You look like that guy from that show, on the sad, sad show.
It makes me cry.
"Dateline?"
What's your name?
What is-- oh, my name is Kelllly D,
but you can call me anytime you want.
[BOOPING]
Hi, Kelllly.
How are you?
Oh, I'm good.
I'm a dental assistant.
And would you like me to examine your mouth with my tongue?
Oh!
He almost let me.
I hope you don't mind if I inspect the merchandise.
Let me just feel the shoulders here.
And then, of course, the--
Ow!
Oh, good!
Ow!
Strong and sensitive, I like it.
I like it.
Oh, I brought you something.
Oh, OK.
I forgot.
Because I want you to remember me.
So let me just get it.
I left it in the car.
Let's see if I can open this.
OK.
It's a slow cooker.
And it's used!
I got it on Craigslist.
Thank you.
Yeah.
By the way, by the way, today's show
is brought to you by the word, "legs."
Maybe we can go up to the fantasy suite
and spread the word.
We have a lot in common, I can tell already.
I want to show you something I saw on the news.
There's someone in Iowa who painted an Ellen pumpkin.
She painted me as Dracula.
And then-- I know, really cool.
Kelllly!
And--
Kelllly?
Where's my man?
You spent enough time with him already.
Oh, no.
It's another bachelorette.
Oh, no.
What is it, Kiersten?
Is that your name?
It's Kieeeeerssten.
It's got five e's and two s'es.
Oh.
Where's my future hubby?
I already got to fourth base with him.
Well, he's never going to--
Fourth base.
--pick you, but he's in the fantasy suite over there.
Hey, baby!
(SINGING) I'm on my waaaaaay!
Ooh-- a hot tub!
Got it.
I got it.
Get that back.
OK, Kiersten.
How's that water?
Is it nice and warm?
It's nice.
OK, (LAUGHING) OK.
All right, you have fun, Kiersten.
OK, it's Kiiierrstennnn.
It's got three i's, two r's, four n's.
OK, so it's changed.
OK.
Well, all right, I thought of something
to help increase my odds.
I want to get picked by a Bachelor
but I thought, if I have two bachelors here
I increase the odds.
So Nick, where are you?
Hi, Nick!
[CHEERING]
I'm just-- I'm just here to meet Kiersten.
Yeah, I don't--
Is there room for two?
Come on in, Nick.
How do I--
You got to hop in.
There you go, nice!
All right.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[CRYING]
I didn't get the man or the rose, and that's OK.
I didn't-- I told myself not to cry.
[WEEPING]
It's not worth it.
It's not worth it, but--
[SIGH]
I'm not going to cry, because--
about some-- I don't even care about him.
I don't-- I didn't like him.
I like artichokes, OK?
[SNIFFLING]
That's why I'm scared of parakeets.
I don't-- I don't--
when I was a little girl, I wanted a pony.
I just wanted a pony.
I didn't care about anything but a pony.
I didn't get any of the pizza.
All the girls got there first.
I said, I want some pizza, and no one saved me any.
None of the girls liked me.
It's them, not me.
Oh, like I'm the crazy one?
Ah-ahh-ah.
They're the crazy ones.
(SCREAMING) They're the crazy ones!
I just wanted to meet a man.
I just-- that's all I wanted, is a man to feel complete.
I didn't get it.
I didn't get the rose.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Every time I try to meet a man, they don't want me.
[SOBBING]
I am so happy I picked you, whatever your name is.
I just-- I am so in love with you.
I'm, like, super in love with you, too.
And I just--
I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
Well, that is until we break off the engagement, yeah?
Brace yourself.
I come from the land down under.
[SIGH]
[SNORING]