- Oh, I'm gonna tell you guys a little story
about how I gained 30 pounds in a year and a half.
And I know you guys are like, "Oh my God, Jen,
you gained 30 pounds.
I can't believe it.
When you came out, I was like,
why is a model doing stand up?"
But, don't laugh that hard at that.
But I've lost most of the weight, but here's what happened.
Everyone said to me the same thing,
when I gained all my weight, they were like, "Well,
it's just because you got married, you're a newlywed
and you're happy.
That's why you gained the weight."
And I was like, "Oh, I thought I gained the weight
because every night I sit in front of the TV
eating a block of cheese with my bare hands
like it's a sandwich.
Oh, all right."
And it got to the point where I couldn't wear pants anymore.
Because when I sat down,
it looked like one of those crescent rolls
that you make and it's just kind of busting out.
Yeah. So I had to start, don't, it's fine.
It's not anymore.
But I had to start wearing shirt dresses, which is just,
you know, might as well give up at that point.
But I had to go to work,
and every day at work this woman would say to me,
"Ooh, a dress. What do you got going on tonight?"
And go, "Oh no, my pants don't fit.
I just was, nothing going on."
And every day she would say that to me.
"Ooh, a dress.
What do you got going on tonight?"
Until I just snapped.
And I'm like, "I got fat going on!
That's what I got going on!
I'm going home tonight to be fat.
Nothing is going on!"
So one day I'm like,
"God, I would love to wear jeans again."
And so I decided it was time to buy a pair
of Not Your Daughter's Jeans.
No, I know.
It's such a sad, sad brand of jean.
I don't know if you guys are familiar
with these jeans, they're made
for moms who have wrecked their body with childbirth.
They're supposed to make you look a size thinner.
They go up to here.
I don't have a kid. I don't want a kid.
But it was time for Not Your Daughter's Jeans.
And they try to make it sound cool, too.
They sometimes call them NYDJ.
Like they're fooling someone,
like you're gonna go, "Oh, you know who wears these?
New York disc jockeys. Yeah!"
And it's not even like the old Oldsmobile ads,
where it's like, "This isn't your father's Oldsmobile."
'Cause that was like, cool.
You know, you're saying to the kids, "Hey kids,
your dad's car is dumb.
We got a cool one for you."
But Not Your Daughter's Jeans is like insulting
to the person wearing them, you know?
These aren't your daughter's jeans.
No, no, no. Your daughter's hot.
Yeah, your daughter's a size zero.
She doesn't need body shapers or Spanx.
She just slides into skinny jeans
the way you slide into sweat pants.
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
So I go to the mall to get the Not Your Daughter's Jeans
and I'm met
with one of these daughter types at the counter, you know?
And I'm like, "I need a pair of Not Your Daughter's Jeans."
And she goes, "What's that?"
And I go, "The jeans for moms.
Listen, lady,
you don't know what they are now,
but you will someday, this high metabolism ride
isn't gonna last forever, I'll tell you that right now."
And she goes, "Oh, do you have kids?"
And I go, "No, I have a candy drawer."
And she goes, "We don't have those jeans,
but I have a suggestion.
Why don't you just buy the brand you normally wear,
but in like four sizes bigger?"
And I'm like, "Why don't I go to Home Depot,
get some rope, and hang myself?
I thought of that lady."
So after yelling at the cashier, I'm like,
I worked up a good, I'm just gonna get a frozen yogurt.
So I'm walking back to my car
in the parking lot at the mall.
I'm in my house dress, eating the frozen yogurt.
And there's a note on my car.
And the note says,
"I thought you were pretty, love Dave," parentheses,
"the guy in the van." (audience laughs)
The guy in the van is not something you want to hear
as a woman in a mall, okay?
I was like,
where's the van, where's the van?
Because a woman, I did not want to get murdered.
And I definitely did not want to get murdered
at an undesirable weight, you know?
All I could picture was that there was a line
of white vans and guys in them holding their penises
watching all these hot daughters walk by
in their size zero jeans like, "Eh!"
And then I walked by in my house dress and they're like,
"Oh my God, what is that?
Some kind of mother or something?"
And then Dave's in there like,
"Society puts enough pressure on women you guys!
We will not do this to her!
I'm gonna leave her a note.
She has two desserts. I think she's pretty!"