Oh, hi.
I'm-- honestly, I don't even know anymore.
I think I was formerly known as Kristen Bell.
Here I am, though, in my home, where I've been
for approximately 300 days.
And there you are watching me, probably
in your kitchen or your bathroom or your bedroom wearing
the same sweatpants that you wore to bed last night.
Or if you're a baller, no pants at all.
Either way, welcome to Season 5 of Momsplaining.
We expected this first episode to be a hilarious romp
through the trials of teaching your kids about sex.
But 2020 had other plans.
We actually did shoot that episode.
And a lot more.
[CHATTER]
I got it!
Guys!
I need some poopy pants!
Never have I ever forgotten my child somewhere.
Daddy, what's sex?
Sometimes Mommy and Daddy--
What are bases?
Oh.
Who told you about that?
What's your five-year plan?
But today, I'm going to share with you some
of the things that have helped me
through this cuckoo, bananas, crazy pants time.
(WHISPERING) Rosé-- it's rosé.
(RAPPING) To all you moms out there, maybe doing it right.
You know, I've found one of the most important things
to do during this time is to have gratitude,
because it's a cure all.
It cures depression, it comes your brain.
It gives you warm, fuzzy feelings.
And that actually might just be my hairy legs.
But think of all the things we've taken for granted.
Just being able to touch your face.
The things I'm grateful for right
now are doctors, nurses, janitors, grocery store
workers, pharmacists, delivery employees, teachers,
mugs with rose, teachers.
Did I say teachers?
Of course, we've all come to know the two worst
words in the English language.
Home schooling.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
There are a few people that have come out victorious
in this situation, though.
Germaphobes, stay at home moms, they're all like,
I told you how [BLEEP] hard this is.
And since we can't go out to get anything,
we've all become great at DIY.
You know, if you don't have a mask, no problem.
Look at this.
Use your diapers.
How brilliant!
Necessity is the mother of invention.
And I feel safer already.
This is actually substantially more comfortable
than wearing it up your butt.
You know, this is a really important time
to check in with friends and family.
Because humans need community.
So I think I'm going to do that right now.
I'm going to check in with new mama Ashley Graham.
Hi, Ashley!
Hello!
How do you look this good during a quarantine?
Honey, I can do a full beat when I need to.
Oh my God.
How are you?
How is your new baby?
We're actually-- we're doing really good in this quarantine.
Everybody kind of has figured out their roles.
We're with my mom and we're in Nebraska where I grew up.
That's kind of wonderful.
And having a mom around is also great, being a new mom.
Yes.
OK, listen.
I wanted to play a little game with you.
I wrote up some questions here.
That looks like a CVS receipt.
Oh it is.
Speed round.
When was the last time you showered?
Well I showered for you.
But the biggest question here I think is, when's the last time
I brushed my teeth?
Listen, you've already got a baby.
Don't worry about it.
I shower two days ago.
How long are your toenails.
That's a question from here.
Now I don't know these people who don't
know how to cut their toenails.
Agreed!
But it's the calluses that are as thick as a sandwich.
I've got to figure that out.
I need a cheese grater or something.
Preach.
But I agree.
I keep mine nice and stumpy, just the way I like 'em.
What have you learned about yourself as a mother?
My breasts are very talented, multifaceted.
And I am so proud of them.
They're the star of the show.
Can you imagine having 12 children?
And I ask this because my grandma had 12 children.
Wow.
Your grandma's a G.
I know, right?
I could see myself having a lot of kids.
Justin really only wants two.
I had big hopes and dreams for a lot of kids too.
And then when they get here and you hear how much they talk,
it's like having all the radio stations on at one time.
I mean, I know you're telling the truth.
But it is just so funny to hear that.
But doing schoolwork with them, it is absolutely miserable.
When we started this quarantine, the first math
worksheet I gave my daughter, in all the answer lines,
she wrote, no, no, no, no, no.
Ashley, do you have a G-string in your house?
Last time I wore a G-string was probably
the night that I got pregnant.
OK.
Let me show you a trick.
I do have-- I do have these big ass granny panties, though.
Try those.
This is how not to get pregnant again.
Oh wow.
Don't you feel safe?
PPE, baby.
How do I--
That-- put it on.
Yep.
Perfect.
What's up?
Thank you, Ashley.
All right.
Stay safe.
And now go disinfect anything that you've touched
while we've been talking.
It was so nice to speak with you.
Kristen, always a pleasure.
Thank you.
And happy quarantining.
Happy quarantining.
Guys, for real, this has not been easy.
Just know that this is not forever.
And it will pass.
Until then, everyone needs to stay home.
This is how deep inside your house you should be.
I miss you.
I love you.
And stay safe.
I do want to give one shout out to our Season 5
sponsor, Hyundai.
Which rhymes with Sunday.
Which rhymes with someday.
And someday, we will be able to hug each other again.
Until then, we all have to support each other
in every way we can.
And Hyundai Hope On Wheels is taking new steps
to help families in need with a $4 million
commitment to support 22 hospitals and medical centers
in cities across the country with drive-thru testing
locations for COVID-19.
So the most at risk can get tested safely.
Because making things better for you and your family
is Hyundai's first priority.
So thank you, Hyundai.