We're talking about parenting style now. Kids obviously grow up in social
context.
Probably the most important social context initially is the family system
in which they find themselves. It doesn't have to be a biological family
necessarily
but there's a family system. There's that hopeful attachment
were looking for. Hopefully it is it's a solid attachment, it's a secure attachment
but there's nobody thats fated one way or the other
early on, but we're in that context of a family system. Well,
parenting can be done in very very different ways.
You may have seen parents of your own fight or debate about what to do over
any given idea
that kid is dealing with at any given moment because one sees it one way
one sees another way,
and they have to negotiate through that to come up with a solution
with the kid. So these are
styles of parenting and they shouldn't be taken as
end-all be-all etched in stone. It's not that somebody is completely one and
not any of the other
because they, people are far more complex than that.
But it gives you an overview of how people could parent
and how they typically do parent. The first is authoritarian.
Authoritarian is pretty dictatorial
you do what I say cuz I said to do it don't gimme no lip or you will be
sorry for that. Why is not important.
It's that I told you to do. So there's not a lot of negotiation in fact there wouldn't
be any negotiation
and a pure authoritarian parenting style because
the parents the authority and they're gonna tell you what to do
set down the boundaries set down the rules and you better follow them.
The consequences may be swift and potentially severe if you don't follow
them.
So that's one way to do it but communication
is not valued communication between parent and child is poor
right because the kid is not allowed to question
the kid will not know the rationale behind. There may be very good
reasons behind the boundaries or the rules
but the kid isn't going be privy to that because the kid not privy to the
discussion about that.
So in the sense that authoritarian and
and authoritative sound very much alike, authoritative I've got asterisk because
it seems to be the best style
overall. The difference here
is the way that you communicate. There are still rules
there are still boundaries right. The parent
is still in charge, but the rules and the boundaries will be explained to the child
an age-appropriate fashions right?
So if you're talking to a three-year-old you don't talk in social
contract theory language right?
you talk to them "well, this is something I don't want you to do because it's dangerous.
I don't want you to get hurt therefore I won't let you do it."
Well they can understand that now there's a reason why there's a rule
and that helps them develop more complex thinking about
why things are in their world. Well they get older
now rules can become more negotiable. So you can have a kid
who says like in teen years that "well I wanna stay out till 12 all my friends stay
out til twelve."
And the parent goes "well, you ain't staying out til twelve
cause you're in ninth grade for example
and I don't know that it's true that all your friends stay out until 12 and if it
is true I'm not sure I agree with what they're doing
and homes that they're coming from. Everybody could be different,
that's fine and well but let's try 10 o'clock.
And if you do ten o'clock
reliably and regularly, and you don't violate our rule
I might consider 10:30 but we ain't going all the way to where you want to go,
and if you mess up ten, 10:30 ain't coming and we revert back to 930."
So now we have a negotiation right which allows the kids to assert their will,
assert their independence, and assert their communication skills to try and
persuade a parent who may or may not be receptive,
to the persuasion but would explain why the rule is in place or why it's being
modified
or how you would test or how you would change it. Now the benefits seem to be positive by
and large
cognitive benefits, social development, these kids
tend to be independent, tend to be happy, tend to be self reliant,
and tend to be academically successful more so than the other three styles.
On average, no guarantees for individuals, and recognizing that those
are
especially self-reliants and independents
western-style values. So we talk about
independent-minded being something valued in America,
we want people to be independent, well there are interdependent cultures where
it is a real goal to be very closely aligned, and closely tied,
and to divine oneself by one's relationships with other people,
especially family members,
but also work colleagues, maybe people you go to church with, or the people you
you are hang out with in life right? So,
that's what you produce and in this society that's valued, so therefore
that's good in this context, but context is important.
Now the way I help people remember this is authoritarian
sounds like Aryan nation that Hitler wanted. Hitler was a dictator
so that helps me remember that that one is dictatorial
right, and if that one's the dictatorial one, then
the other ones the good one. Make sense?
Aryan, -itative, -itative sounds kinda fun but not that fun to you still got it
authority built in right?
Fun authority, Authoritative. Permissive parents make very few demands on their
children, and are
overly responsive to their children, those are your spoiled children
whose parents not only indulge them, but sometimes go out of their way to
encourage them
to express themselves and get whatever they think they need or want.
It's not a bad thing per se but what it teaches essentially is that you should
have everything you want,
and you won't have any experience of denial
of needs or wants, then you have a kid that's going to have a hard time
in the social order of things because they're not going always get their way
in reality,
so in a sense you're setting them up to have conflict later.
So these kids oftentimes we'll find them in
child's (stutters) children of divorce,
the non-custodial parent doesn't want to be the bad guy.
I only get to see him so this little bit of time I don't want to be the bad guy I want them
have to have a good time
so you might see that the rules change and the parenting styles change
from one household to the other, if you've got multiple households in which kid may
live or
or at least visit. Grandparents may be very permissive,
but then mom or dad might be authoritative, or authoritarian, so
you see that multiple people are actually coming together here you are not just
getting one style, but you tend to get a blend of styles,
and that's not a bad thing necessarily. Because you get an experience of
different types and different situations.
The uninvolved parent minimizes the emotional contact with the child.
The univolved parent seems to not need that bond, seems to be
not rewarded with a a close emotional tie with the kid
they provide the food, they provide the clothes, and that's what they do, they provide for
the material needs of the child but they're not really
invested in the child in a way that is an emotional
connection. So with little emotional involvement
you've got a lot of distance issues here people who don't get that from their
parent can sometimes feel alienated
and feel like they can't please somebody, because the person seems unpleaseable
but that's not necessarily a reflection of the child more than the
parents style, but you can see where people start to develop self esteem, self
efficacy, self understanding
is through these initial interactions. Now like I said you
probably know somebody in each of these categories thats
mostly that as a parent right? For me when I started out with my daughter who
was nine,
when she moved into my house I married her Mom, I then adopted her,
I was probably more authoritarian then.
I was looking out for her safety. And I was very invested in the child but I told her what
it was going to be,
and she was going to do it because I said to do it. Now being a verbal person I'd talk
about it, but weren't negotiating a whole lot.
I go through my community college years, my graduate school years
and now I raise my other kid more authoritative.
There is lot more negotiation, a lot more debate, I
allowed both of them to argue with me because I wanted them both to have
this sense of asserting themselves but
there's a line you don't cross. And when they across it I put him in check.
Now as adults they have appropriate assertiveness, but they're not offensive or obnoxious.
And they learned that they have the ability to change their circumstances
because
they can negotiate. My daughter got more of that towards her later teen years
and he got it kinda most of his years because they're twelve years apart.
So it's an interesting thing, it's not static,
life is not static, you can change who you are
if you have the motivation to do so.