- And, you are
officially accepted.
Welcome to Heaven, Miss Hernandez.
The entrance is to your right.
Next!
What is your name, ma'am?
- I have no idea what you just said,
but I think this is you.
Says you committed 246 lies, used God's name in vain,
theft, yadda, yadda, yah.
Oh, that's a new one.
- It says you hit your children with a chancla
over 10,000 times.
I'm sorry, it must be a typo.
- Well, I have some bad news for you, ma'am.
Abuse isn't really tolerated in the Kingdom of Heaven.
- Well, how hard did you hit?
- Uh, that won't be necessary.
Welcome to Heaven Miss, whatever your name was.
Next!
Hi, little man, what is your name?
- Ivan Martinez.
- Okay, let's see what we got.
Hm, you have a pretty clean record,
although I do see one incident from 2017.
- What incident?
- It says that you cheated on a game of loteria.
- It was just one time.
- Well, explain yourself.
- I lost, like, 20 games in a row,
so I got jealous, and I had to cheat!
- You know what that's called?
That is envy, and envy is one of the seven deadly sins,
and do you know where sinners go, buddy?
- Am I really gonna go down there for cheating one time?
- I'm sorry, but I don't make the rules.
Nah, I'm just kidding.
Welcome to Heaven.
Hey, don't try to cheat in there, though.
He won't hesitate to kick you out.
Next!
- Hi, good morning or afternoon.
I'm not really quite sure what time it is,
or the concept of time exists up here,
but I'm just really excited to be here.
- What is your name?
- Ramon Sanchez.
- Okay, there you are.
Oh, you have pretty long list.
- Of good things I've done?
- No, sins, terrible sins actually.
- Like what?
- Well, first of all,
you bought over 200 bootleg DVDs at your local swap meet,
which isn't too bad, I mean, who hasn't?
You also ate over 200 tamales.
- Throughout my life?
- In a day.
- Oh, yeah, I do remember that.
- That is definitely gluttony, which by lookin' at you,
that is probably your favorite sin.
Anyway, you also walked around your house barefoot
after your mom told you not to.
- Is that a sin?
- No, but do you really think God likes people
who don't respect their mothers?
Exactly.
Okay, what else?
Uh, forgot to turn off the beans,
stole your brother's cobija.
Oh, that's a bad one.
- What is?
- It says that you flip your tortillas with a fork.
- I just did that once as a kid.
- Mm, no, it says you did it your whole life.
- That's not true.
- Are you calling God a liar?
- Okay, yes, I used to flip my tortillas with forks,
but I just didn't wanna burn my fingers.
What's wrong with that?
- Look, I'ma be real with you.
It's not a deadly sin,
but I can't let ya in.
- Because I don't flip my tortillas with my hands?
- Yeah, exactly!
- Is there a manager or a supervisor,
someone else I can speak to?
- Well, my manager is the Big Man,
and the Big Man is the one who wrote this book,
so I'm pretty sure he doesn't wanna see you.
- So, where am I supposed to go?
- Well, you don't have to go down there,
but you ain't getting in here.
- You gotta be kidding me.
- Maybe you shoulda thought twice
before you disrespected your whole Mexican family,
all 136 of them!
Well, would ya look at the time.
We are officially closed.
- This is the gates of Heaven, you guys can't close.