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- [Amanda] Hey, Psych2Goers.
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Now, onto the video.
One of the most damaging fears to many
is the fear of abandonment,
a form of anxiety.
A fear of abandonment often starts
to form in childhood
for those who have it.
Usually this fear begins
when one has experienced
some sort of trauma or loss already.
Thus, developing a fear
from an already traumatic loss.
Each individual's experience is different.
With some mental health experts theorizing
that the fear of abandonment
can arise due to challenges
with past relationships,
troubling social and life experiences,
or interruptions in one's development
of certain cognitive and emotional capacities.
So do you suspect you may have a fear of abandonment?
Here are six telltale signs that you may.
Number one, you attach too quickly.
You've just met the person of your dreams.
They're everything you ever wanted,
or so you think.
It is after all the first date.
You start to get a bit anxious
after your date, though.
What if they meet someone else?
What if they decide to date them instead?
So you want to make things official.
You ask them to be your significant other,
but you've barely scratched the surface
of getting to know each other.
Those with a fear of abandonment
often want to move things faster
because they're afraid to lose that special someone
to someone else they admire more.
Even if the person you desire is unavailable,
you can get attached to them too quickly.
It's instead best to take a moment
and give yourself some time to think over
how well you know this person.
And if it feels comfortable
and natural moving to the next stage.
Number two, you don't fully commit to relationships.
Moving to the next stage in a relationship is one thing,
but fully committing as an entirely different thing.
You and your partner are finally a couple.
Everything seems to be going well
until they want you to meet their parents.
Oh, boy.
It can be hard for you to show
you are committed long-term.
You often resist discussing things
such as meeting your partner's parents,
moving in together,
or simply talking about the future with your partner.
These topics can seem scary in your view
or you simply don't think they're important right now.
But avoiding too long
may key in to your partner
that you don't view your relationship as serious.
Number three, you're a people pleaser.
Being kind to others is a great thing.
It's thoughtful to do someone a favor,
or think of their needs or wants over yours sometimes.
But if you only think of their wants over yours,
it's not always a good thing.
Always aiming to please your partner,
no matter your needs,
can lead to weak personal boundaries.
You fear that if you don't fulfill
every wish of theirs,
they will not care for you
and move on to someone else.
Common signs in this range
include engaging in unwanted sex,
which is more common in women,
and staying in an unhealthy relationship.
You may soon find yourself going along
with whatever your partner wants
if this continues,
placing your needs second.
Number four, you struggle with emotional intimacy.
You may call yourself a pro
with the physical realm of relationships,
but emotional intimacy
is a fear in and of itself for you.
You keep your guard up as a defense
from any chance at being vulnerable with your partner.
Perhaps it's an insecurity
that keeps you from opening up
or maybe you've developed an idea
that they may leave you
if they knew the truth or the real you.
But all relationships need vulnerability and trust.
To not trust your partner
is to not engage in a serious relationship
in many ways.
You may try to compensate
for this lack of emotional intimacy
by simply focusing on the physical aspect.
But your partner is likely to take notice
that you're not being real with them.
And without the emotional side of relationships,
they can never grow for the better.
Number five, you look for a flaws in your partner.
You're on the second date,
but this time you may be second guessing
how you really feel about this person.
You can't help but notice their flaws.
I mean, everyone has flaws.
Normal, right?
But no, not for you.
It's all you notice.
They chew too loud.
They don't like the same music as you.
They're a cat person.
You're a dog lover.
These may be the types of flaws
that start to catch your attention.
But then you'll begin to notice
the more pressing flaws in your mind.
You decide to ignore
everything you enjoyed about them
and focus only on the bad,
nitpicking your way to relationship doom.
Because of your fear of abandonment,
you tell them they were never
right for you in the first place.
When, in fact, you never gave it
a chance in the first place.
You decide the small flaws and judgements
outweighed everything that made you like them.
And number six, you experienced separation anxiety.
Your partner decides to go out
with their friends after work.
It will be a great evening out
and they're deeply excited.
But why can't you tag along too?
You may think,
"Don't they think I'm fun too?"
But healthy boundaries are needed in every relationship.
So you try to relax
knowing your partner will have an enjoyable evening
with their friends,
but you can't.
When you're not around your partner,
it's the absolute worst.
In fact, it's pure torture.
You can't help but feel anxious
as you ruminate on where they are.
Who are they with?
Are they with that slime ball, Billy?
What would he be doing there?
Are they even with their friends at all?
What are they even doing?
This leaves you with doubt
as you call them for the fourth time.
And don't even get me started
on the texts.
For their friends' night out,
You're in the hundreds when it comes
to just checking in texts.
Well, maybe not hundreds.
Dozens?
That's still a lot.
So do you have these signs?
If you do possess a fear of abandonment,
all is not lost.
You can grow into trusting
and taming that fear with practice.
Try keeping a journal of all
of your feelings, fears, and thoughts.
No, seriously.
Expressing these feelings by writing them down
is one step to vulnerability
and understanding your emotions.
Recognize these feelings, fears, and emotions.
Understand you have them.
Speak them aloud to someone.
Write them down.
And then you can begin to aim
for change for the better.
How?
Well, reach out and open up to someone.
Sometimes vulnerability and trust
is the most important thing a partner looks for.
And it's important to not
put all of your energy into one partner.
It's important to build a community first.
Socializing and trusting multiple friends can help.
And soon you'll realize
that fear of yours is not as strong
as it once was before,
which is something to be happy about.
Go ahead, tell your partner.
Do you relate to any of these signs?
Which ones?
If so, what steps will you take to overcome this fear?
And do you have any interesting relationship stories
or thoughts you'd like to share?
Feel free to express them
in the comments below.
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