I'd like to impart some words that I've always lived by.
Mo' money, mo' money, mo' money.
(audience laughing)
(funky upbeat music)
Look, man, I don't have a problem, all right,
you had a problem.
I remind you of where you came from and what you used to be.
Now, I don't know, somewhere between Princeton
or the office, you got soft,
you forgot who you are and where you came from.
(scoffs)
You think you're so wise.
Look at me when I'm talking to you.
Let me tell you something, son.
I grew up on the streets just like you.
I encountered bigotry you could not imagine.
Now, you have a nice poster of Malcolm X on your wall.
I heard the brother speak.
I read every word he wrote.
Believe me, I know where I come from.
You actually heard Malcolm speak, man?
That's right.
So before you criticize somebody,
you find out what he's all about.
Ashley's not in her room.
I'm right here, daddy.
I was just in the kitchen getting a snack.
We were just in the kitchen.
I mean, the kitchen in the pool house.
The pool house is being fumigated.
Oh, where am I?
What am I doing down here?
(audience laughing)
Oh, I must have been sleepwalking.
I better go back to my room.
Ashley, you've already lied once tonight.
Let's not make it a habit.
Oh, daddy, none of my other friends had a curfew.
If I came home at 10:30, everyone would think I was a baby.
You have to realize that I'm growing up.
Sweetheart, I am your father.
It is my job to protect you.
It's a job I refuse to quit
and at which I can't afford to fail.
I'm sorry, I won't do it again.
Of course, you won't, sweetheart,
because you're grounded for 10 years.
10 years!
Or whenever you move outta the house,
whatever comes first.
(audience laughing)
I don't want you taking our car downtown to some pool hall.
You can't do this to me.
Aunt Viv!
Ooh, she's gone.
(audience laughing)
That's right, Will, no one can hear you scream.
(audience laughing)
Come on, Uncle Phil, look,
just 'cause you don't like pool halls
doesn't mean that I shouldn't go.
You're just trying to make sure I don't have any fun.
Your only source of pleasure is making me unhappy.
That's not true.
I have my wine collection.
(audience laughing)
Dad, I know it seemed foolish, but I had to show 'em
that I had the courage to survive down there.
Courage is being the way you are
no matter what anybody says about you.
Will teases me, but you don't see me going,
"Yo, yo, yo, homie, yo."
(audience laughing)
There's something I need to tell you.
What is it?
Those pills that Carlton took, um,
they were from my locker.
- What? - Look, Uncle Phil,
I was just keeping 'em in case I needed 'em.
How could you be so stupid?
You know you shouldn't be messing with drugs!
I know, Uncle Phil, somebody gave 'em to me at school.
I didn't mean for Carlton to take 'em.
I didn't even know if I was gonna take 'em.
I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.
Sorry?
My son could have died because of you.
Look, I know, Uncle Phil,
that's all I been thinking about.
I mean, look, you gotta believe me,
- I didn't mean to hurt him. - Yeah, well, you did.
You hurt him and you could have hurt yourself.
I know, Uncle Phil, but look, I had basketball practice
and school and I was at work and everything.
Welcome to the real world, Will.
That's not an excuse, there's never an excuse.
You owe this family an apology.
I ain't never having no kids.
Well, now, Will, as much as the idea
of your reproducing scares the hell outta me,
(audience laughing)
I think you'll make a great father.
I mean, everybody makes mistakes with their kids.
The important thing is to admit when you're wrong
and to apologize.
How come you don't ever do that?
(audience laughing)
Don't question me.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry, you know, if there was something
that I could do-- - Hey, you know what?
You ain't got to do nothing, Uncle Phil.
You know, it ain't like I'm still five years old, you know?
It ain't like I'm gonna be sitting up every night
asking my mom, "When's daddy coming home," you know?
Who needs him?
Hey, he wasn't there to teach me
how to shoot my first basket, but I learned, didn't I?
Hey, I got pretty damn good at it, too,
didn't I, Uncle Phil? - Yeah, you did.
- I got through my first date without him,
right? - Mm-hmm.
- I learned how to drive, I learned how to shave,
I learned how to fight without him.
I had 14 great birthdays without him.
He never even sent me a damn card.
To hell with him!
I ain't need him then and I don't need him now.
- Will, Will. - You know what, Uncle Phil?
I'm gonna get through college without him.
I'm gonna get a great job without him.
I'm gonna marry me a beautiful honey
and I'm gonna have me a whole bunch of kids.
I'm gonna be a better father than he ever was,
and I sure as hell don't need him for that,
'cause there ain't a damn thing he could ever teach me
about how to love my kids!
(stifled sobbing)
How come he don't want me, man?
(crying)
In the future, I hope you'll do what I say
and not what I did.
Even though it felt good hitting that jerk tonight,
(audience laughing)
really, really good,
(audience laughing)
I was wrong.
Sometimes what feels good is wrong.
Yeah. (audience laughing)
- Everything that feels good is wrong, everything,
do you understand me? - Yes, yes, okay.
(audience laughing)
Why are you worried so much about your image?
The truth sounds real good to me.
I don't think my mother will ever forgive me.
Ah, man, you must be tripping.
Granny's great, just explain it to her.
Will, there's something you have to learn.
Sometimes parents just don't understand.
- You okay? - Yeah, yeah,
no, no, I'm cool, I'm cool, Uncle Phil.
You know, it's just when I first came out here,
I was a relative.
For the past six years, we been family.
I just don't wanna go back to being just a relative again.
I mean, I lived without a father
and without brothers and sisters and all of that.
I like this life better.
I want you to call me on Sundays, too, you know,
when you're calling all your other kids and everything.
(chuckling)
Look, I love you, Uncle Phil,
and I just don't wanna lose you, any of you.
(scoffs)
You're not gonna lose us.
You are my son, Will, end of story.
You just better be sure that your butt
is by a phone on Sunday.
You got it, man.
(sighs)
(audience moaning)