-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, after two days of controversy,
today President Trump finally did the right thing
and forcefully rejected white supremacy.
Take a look.
[ Tone ]
[ Laughter ]
I'm --
[ Laughter ]
-I'm kidding. He hasn't done that at all.
And as a result, Republicans are distancing themselves
from the president.
-The president's debate performance has sparked
a torrent of criticism that even his most ardent allies
have struggled to contain.
And Republicans on Capitol Hill
are now distancing themselves from the president
after he failed to disavow a far-right fascist group.
-There's been six months of a pandemic
and now the Republicans are distancing?
[ Laughter ]
Yup, they're really trying to distance themselves
from Trump's white supremacy issue.
In fact, today Mitch McConnell brought a bill
to the Senate floor to bring back the Source Awards.
[ Laughter ]
-Wait, what?
[ Applause ]
That's right, Republicans said this as the last straw.
Then tomorrow they'll be like,
"Oh, we found a bunch more straws."
[ Laughter ]
Turns out all these controversies are causing
the president's biggest supporters
to experience "Trump fatigue."
I think it might be true. Today when Trump called in
to "Fox & Friends," Steve Doocy was like,
"Ugh, just let the machine get it."
[ Laughter ]
"We have to talk for 45 minutes, and just so --
Yeah, what did say?"
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
How do you get away from Trump though?
It's like dealing with a bear. Do you run?
Do you act big? Do you play dead?
No one knows. [ Laughter ]
That's right. Republicans are finally
stepping up to say it's not okay to publicly support
white supremacy...more than seven or eight times, tops.
Eight is -- eight is enough.
[ Laughter ]
Well, earlier today, John Roberts from Fox News
tried to give the White House a chance to clear things up
and denounce white supremacy,
but Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany
had a tough time with that. Watch this.
-Just to clear it up this morning, can you, naming it,
make a declarative statement that you denounce --
that the president denounces it? -I just did.
The president has denounced this repeatedly.
-You read a bunch of quotes from the past.
-The president was asked this. You're making --
You're contriving a story. -No I'm not.
-Yeah, Trump's like some sort of mythical troll.
You got to ask the same question three times before you
get the answer you're looking for.
[ With accent ] "There's only one way to reveal the answer --
say the question, but in reverse."
[ Laughter ]
The only way their gonna condemn white supremacy is
if you sneak it into Trump's teleprompter the way you sneak
medicine into a dog food.
[ As Trump ] "And then we're gonna --
I do not support white supremacists.
Bring back football."
[ Laughter ]
After that exchange, Roberts didn't hold back
how he was feeling.
This is real. Take a look at this.
-And for all of you on Twitter who are hammering me
for asking that question, I don't care,
because it's a question that needs to be asked
and clearly the president's Republican colleagues
a mile away from here
are looking for an answer for it, too.
So stop deflecting. Stop blaming the media.
I'm tired of it.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-Even Fox News is fed up with Trump.
That's like HGTV telling the Property Brothers
to take their tight jeans and near beards and beat it.
[ Laughter ]
-Tariq: Near beards.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-I hope that becomes a thing, man.
After Monday's tax bombshell, Tuesday's debate debacle,
and Wednesday's white supremacy disaster,
Trump seemed pretty down at last night's rally.
[ "YMCA" plays ]
-♪ Young man ♪
♪ There's no need to feel down ♪
♪ Stay at the YMCA ♪
[ Laughter ]
-That's actual audio. That's real -- yeah.
Yes, of course. The classic "YMCA" dance.
Clapping, pointing, and drawing a circle with you finger.
[ Laughter ] One, two, three.
It's fun to stay --
♪ YMCA ♪
♪♪
♪ YMCA ♪
♪ They got everything ♪
♪ Making boys to men ♪
♪ Everything that a man could be ♪
♪♪
-Y...
Right after that dance, white supremacists
forcefully rejected Trump.
[ Laughter ]
Here's a fun fact. Trump is in so much debt
pretty soon he'll be staying at the YMCA.
[ Laughter ]
After watching that, it's clear that if the presidency
doesn't work out, neither will "Dancing With the Stars."
♪♪
I'm just kidding. That was a nice moment.
Trump was having fun. The crowd was having fun.
The coronavirus was having fun.
[ Laughter ]
You know what, forget the next debate.
Let's just make it a dance-off instead.
-♪ Young man ♪
♪ When you're short on dough ♪
♪ You can stay there ♪
-Good God.
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
That's such a good move.
[ Laughter ]
-Everyone is still talking about the debates.
Oh, my God. Well, except for Rudy Giuliani,
who is talking about the "debat."
[ Laughter ]
Amazing, you can't even tweet about the debate
without Trump interrupting you.
Trump might be -- Rudy might be right, 'cause
I don't think you can legally call what happened a debate.
Not sure where Rudy was going with this.
He's either got something to say about the debate
or he's looking for a D batteries.
But Giuliani --
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
We are still on the air. We are still on the air.
That's the good news.
Actually, Giuliani quickly noticed and followed that up
with a "Oops, my ba."
[ Laughter ]
My ba.
[ Laughter ]
Was afraid of the last letter.
-Yeah, I got it.
[ Laughter ]
The guy is doing Trump's debate prep, he can't spell debate.
That's like getting a text from your surgeon that says,
"Can't wait for your surjeree."
[ Laughter ]
Some more news from Washington. It just came out
that the White House and the CDC
have been clashing over how to handle cruise lines
during the pandemic, take a look.
-The CDC is extending its ban on cruising from U.S. ports
through the end of this month.
Axios is reporting the CDC's director wanted to extend
the order until February,
but Vice President Pence overruled him.
Even the cruise ships know it's a bad idea.
For a six-day trip they tell you to pack for nine months.
[ Laughter ]
It'll be a while.
Yeah, the White House overruled the CDC
on the current cruise ship ban,
which might explain this new ad I saw.
-Are you ready to get out of your apartment?
-Yes. -Are you tired of your
same old pandemic routine? -Oh, yeah.
-Then join us this November for a Carnival Cruise.
[ Ship horn blows ] -Wait, what?
-Dive into a pool filled with kids swimming in diapers.
-Do I have to? -Share a wet mic
at a karaoke lounge. -Why?
-Dig in hands first at our delicious buffet.
-Is this a trap? -Carnival Cruise.
Just a few liability waivers away from setting sail.
[ Ship horn blows ]
[ Imitates horn ]
[ Applause ]
Well, this isn't good.
The highest court in Ireland
just made a pretty shocking ruling, listen to this.
-Ireland Supreme Court has ruled that the bread served
at Subway restaurants can't legally be defined as bread.
Subway's bread contains five times
the qualifying limit of sugar.
-Man, all this time I thought it was healthy
to eat a meatball parm on 12 inches of honey bread.
[ Laughter ]
Why am I gaining weight?
After the ruling, Subway was like, "Whew.
They didn't say anything about the meat."
[ Laughter ]
It wasn't just bread. The court also said,
"And by the way, stop calling the guy making my sandwich
an 'artist.'" [ Laughter ]
That wasn't true. I made that up. That was a joke.
[ Laughter ]
Also, what's going on in Ireland
where that made it to their highest court?
Our highest court is about to argue over health care,
and Ireland's arguing over sandwiches.
Can we live there? [ Laughter ]
Then the justices are like,
[ Irish accent ] "Next on the docket,
are Taco Bell's tacos actually tacos?"
[ Laughter ]
That's one of my Irish accents, but this --
This one, what I do, it's the out-of-breath Irish accent.
Can you do an Irish accent? -Sure.
-Do it. Say "Taco Bell's aren't tacos."
-[ Irish accent ] Taco Bell's aren't tacos!
[ Laughter and applause ]
-That's not Irish. I don't know who you sound like,
but it's not Irish, but --
But now do it but run out of breath, like...
-Okay. Uh, tacos...
[ Laughter ]
-I'm not a -- I'm not a dialect coach.
What am I -- what am I doing? What am I doing?
I apologize. I apologize.
-Your Irish accent sounds more Jamaican to me.
-[ Irish accent ] "You never go to Jamaica...
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
...get jerk chicken." [ Laughter ]
"They serve real jerk chicken there!"
[ Laughter ]
-I love it. Ole.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I saw that a company in the UK is testing a new way
to speed up paramedics' response time.
This is cool, watch this.
-You could be looking at the future
of emergency aid in this simulation from the UK.
The paramedic with the medical kit could
quickly respond to people in a jet pack.
The suit has two mini engines on each arm and one on the back.
[ Laughter ]
-Right now that guy is currently hovering
over 50 Carnival Cruise ships.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's "quick."
All paramedics have to do is get in the suit,
put on the gloves and the helmet,
strap on the jet pack, make sure he has enough fuel,
walk out to an open field, take off
and slowly fly their way over.
And don't worry, there's also a second paramedic
traveling behind for when the first paramedic crashes.
[ Laughter ]
I'm just messing with you. If there's one thing we know,
jet suits never fail.
-And it starts right now.
-Oh! Oh! [ Laughter ]
-Classic. Pulling out the classic, man.