>> Stephen: WHOO!
WELCOME, BABY!
OH, I'M HERE ON THE PLANET!
WELCOME TO IT!
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!
WHOO!
IT'S THAT OR GO TO SLEEP.
TWO CHOICES, AND I WANT TO BE HERE FOR YOU.
SO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IT WAS NOT EASY.
WE MADE IT THROUGH THE FINAL DAY OF THE DEMOCRATS' CASE AGAINST
THE EX-PRESIDENT AND, TODAY, I DIDN'T CRY -- YET.
SAVING THAT FOR A BEDTIME TREAT.
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THEIR CLOSING ARGUMENT IN MY
UNFORTUNATELY STILL ONGOING, BUT SOON TO BE GONE SEGMENT
"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS."
>> I AM A TREMENDOUS EMBARRASSMENT TO OUR COUNTRY.
THE LAST FOUR YEARS WERE TRAGEDIES.
( GROWLING ) OOH!
OOH!
THIS IS KIND OF DOING IT FOR ME.
OOH!
I LOVE YOU >> YUCK!
>> YOU'RE GONNA GET $130,000.
>> WEIRDO!
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO MISS THAT A LITTLE.
AS THE DAY WAS LARGELY SUMMARY BY THE HOUSE
MANAGERS, THERE WAS A LOT OF EVIDENCE, BUT THERE WAS ALSO
APPEALING TO A COMMON HUMANITY.
FOR INSTANCE, CALIFORNIA CONGRESSMAN TED LIEU POINTED OUT
JUST HOW CALLOUS THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS IN THE DAYS
FOLLOWING THE ATTACK.
>> WE'RE ALL AWARE THAT A VIOLENT MOB MURDERED A POLICE
OFFICER.
IT TOOK PRESIDENT TRUMP THREE DAYS BEFORE HE LOWERED THE FLAG
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
THREE DAYS.
AND PRESIDENT TRUMP WHO WAS COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF AT THE TIME
DID NOT ATTEND AND PAY RESPECTS TO THE OFFICER WHO LAY IN STATE
IN THE VERY BUILDING THAT HE DIED DEFENDING.
>> STEPHEN: WOULDN'T PA HIS RESPECTS.
I GUESS ALL HIS BLUE LIVES MATTER TALK WAS BULL, OR HE WAS
JUST TALKIN' ABOUT THE SMURFS.
CONGRESSMAN LIEU THEN SPELLED OUT THE VERY REAL CONSEQUENCES
OF ACQUITTING NUMBER 45.
>> YOU KNOW, I'M NOT AFRAID OF DONALD TRUMP RUNNING AGAIN IN
FOUR YEARS.
I'M AFRAID HE'S GOING TO RUN AGAIN AND LOSE.
BECAUSE HE CAN DO THIS AGAIN.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, I'M NOT REALLY AFRAID OF HIM RUNNING EITHER.
I'M REALLY AFRAID OF HIM SHAMBLING DOWN A RAMP WHILE HIS
DERANGED GOONS GO PODIUM SHOPPING.
THEN IT WAS TIME FOR COLORADO REPRESENTATIVE AND AUTHOR OF THE
SELF HELP BOOK YOUR MOM JUST READ, DIANA DEGETTE.
DeGETTE DRESSED THE REAL PURPOSE OF THIS TRIAL.
>> IMPEACHMENT IS NOT TO PUNISH BUT TO PREVENT.
WE ARE NOT HERE TO PUNISH DONALD TRUMP.
WE ARE HERE TO PREVENT THE SEEDS OF HATRED HE PLANTED FROM
BEARING ANY MORE FRUIT.
>> THOUGH BASED ON HIS DIET, I'M PRETTY CONFIDENT THE LAST THING
HE WANTS IS FRUIT.
RASKIN EXPLAINED THE PRESIDENT'S RIOT SQUAD WAS NOTHING NEW.
SOMETHING SIMILAR HAPPENED MONTHS BEFORE JANUARY 6 WHEN A
MOB OVERTOOK THE MICHIGAN CAPITOL.
>> THIS TRUMP-INSPIRED MOB MAY INDEED LOOK FAMILIAR TO YOU.
CONFEDERATE BATTLE FLAGS, MAGA HATS, WEAPONS, CAMO ARMY GEAR.
JUST LIKE THE INSURRECTIONISTS WHOSHOWED UP AND INVADED THIS
CHAMBER ON JANUARY 6.
>> STEPHEN: PROMPTING "US WEEKLY" TO ASK, "WHO TREASONED
IT BETTER?" THEN JOAQUIN CASTRO REMINDED THE
JURORS THAT DEMOCRACY TAKES WORK.
>> THE WORLD IS WATCHING AND WONDERING WHETHER WE ARE WHO WE
SAY WE ARE.
WE MUST STAND UP FOR THE RULE OF LAW BECAUSE THE RULE OF LAW
DOESN'T JUST STAND UP BY ITSELF.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT.
DEMOCRACY IS FRAGILE.
IT NEEDS HELP TO STAND, LIKE A BABY DEER, OR A SUPER BOWL
QUARTERBACK.
MORE ON THAT LATER.
AND EARLIER.
RASKIN EVOKED A CONSERVATIVE ICON OF THE SUPREME COURT TO
PROVE THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT CAN'T USE THE FIRST AMENDMENT AS
AN EXCUSE.
>> JUSTICE SCALIA GOT IT EXACTLY RIGHT ON THIS.
HE WROTE ON THESE CASES ABOUT HOW THE FIRST AMENDMENT AFFECTS
PEOPLE WHO TAKE ON A PUBLIC OFFICE, WHO TAKE ON PUBLIC
EMPLOYMENT.
AND HE SUMMED IT UP LIKE THIS.
HE SAID, "YOU CANNOT RIDE WITH THE COPS BUT ROOT FOR THE
ROBBERS."
>> STEPHEN: A GOOD ANALOGY, BUT LET ME PUT IT IN TERMS THE
FORMER PRESIDENT CAN UNDERSTAND: YOU CAN'T RIDE WITH RONALD
MCDONALD AND ROOT FOR THE HAMBURGLAR.
LATER, RASKIN POSED A QUESTION DIRECTLY TO THE DEFENSE.
>> I'LL ADD A LEGAL QUESTION THAT I HOPE HIS COUNCIL WILL
ADDRESS.
IF A PRESIDENT DID INVITE THE VIOLENT INSURRECTION AGAINST OUR
GOVERNMENT, AS WE ALLEGE AND THINK WE HAVE PROVEN IN THIS
CASE, BUT IN GENERAL, IF THE PRESIDENT INCITED A VIOLENT
INSURRECTION AGAINST OUR GOVERNMENT, WOULD THAT BE A HIGH
CRIME AND MISDEMEANOR?
>> STEPHEN: MAN, HE ACTUALLY HAD TO ASK THAT!
THE BAR'S GOTTEN SO LOW.
AND SOMEONE SHOULD PICK IT UP QUICK BEFORE A PROUD BOY USES IT
TO BEAT A COP.
AND HE CLOSED WITH AN APPEAL TO THE SENATORS.
>> OUR FRIENDS MUST WORK TO ANSWER THE OVERWHELMING,
DETAILED, SPECIFIC, FACTUAL AND DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE WE'VE
INTRODUCED OF THE PRESIDENT'S CLEAR AND OVERWHELMING GUILT
INCITING VIOLENT INSURRECTION AGAINST THE UNION.
>> Stephen: AGAINST THE UNION.
NOT ONLY IS HE POWERFULLY EVOKING THE CIVIL WAR, BUT HE'S
MAKING A CLEAR REFERENCE THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT NEVER TRIED
TO PRESERVE A UNION.
CONGRESSMAN NEGUSE REMINDED EVERYONE THAT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT VERY CLEARLY TOLD US WHERE HIS ALLEGIANCE LAY.
>> WHEN THEY, THE POLICE, STILL BARRICADED AND BEING ATTACKED
WITH POLES, HE SAID IN HIS VIDEO, TO THE PEOPLE ATTACKING
THEM, "WE LOVE YOU.
YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL."
WHAT MORE COULD WE POSSIBLY NEED TO KNOW ABOUT PRESIDENT TRUMP'S
STATE OF MIND?
>> STEPHEN: MAYBE, HOW MUCH THIS COULD'VE ALL BEEN AVOIDED IF HIS
DAD HAD EVER HUGGED HIM?
NEGUSE CLOSED BY SAYING THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
IN JANUARY, IT'S WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE.
>> WE HUMBLY, HUMBLY ASK YOU TO CONVICT PRESIDENT TRUMP FOR THE
CRIME FOR WHICH HE IS OVERWHELMINGLY GUILTY OF.
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, IF WE PRETEND THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN--
OR WORSE, IF WE LET IT GO UNANSWERED-- WHO'S TO SAY IT
WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN?
>> STEPHEN: IF WE DON'T STOP HIM, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.
IT DID HAPPEN AGAIN, BECAUSE THIS IS HOW ADAM SCHIFF CLOSED
OUT THE LAST IMPEACHMENT!
>> YOU CAN'T TRUST THIS PRESIDENT TO DO THE RIGHT THING,
NOT FOR ONE MINUTE.
HE HAS BETRAYED OUR NATIONAL SECURITY AND HE WILL DO SO
AGAIN.
HE HAS COMPROMISED OUR ELECTIONS AND HE WILL DO SO AGAIN.
YOU WILL NOT CHANGE HIM.
YOU CANNOT CONSTRAIN HIM.
HE IS WHO HE IS.
>> STEPHEN: I TAKE NO PLEASURE IN PLAYING THAT CLIP.
I TAKE NO PLEASURE IN PLAYING CONGRESSMAN NEGUSE'S CLIP.
AND I'LL TAKE NO PLEASURE PLAYING THE CLIP NEXT YEAR WHEN
THEY'RE TRYING THE EX-PRESIDENT FOR SENDING SUPPORTERS TO SACK
DISNEY WORLD SO HE CAN MOVE INTO CINDERELLA'S CASTLE AND DECLARE
HIMSELF "THE EMPEROR OF FANTASYLAND."
ONE THING ALL THE HOUSE MANAGERS SEEMED TO HAVE IN COMMON: THE
-- TODAY, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY WERE CLOSING, IS THEY
WEREN'T GRANDSTANDING FOR THEIR OWN EGO.
THEY WERE SINCERELY, DESPERATELY TRYING TO MAKE A HUMAN
CONNECTION AS FELLOW CITIZENS TO THE REPUBLICAN SENATORS IN THAT
GALLERY AND CONVINCE THEM TO PUT COUNTRY BEFORE PARTY.
SO, DOOMED FROM THE START.
BECAUSE AFTER WATCHING THE HORRIFIC IMAGES AND DAMNING
TIMELINE FROM YESTERDAY'S PRESENTATION, SENATE REPUBLICANS
ARE DOING EXACTLY WHAT THEY DID ON JANUARY 6: RUNNING AWAY FROM
WHAT THEY HELPED CREATE.
TAKE SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND PILLSBURY PROUD BOY, LINDSEY
GRAHAM.
AFTER YESTERDAY'S SESSION, GRAHAM HAD THIS REVIEW:
>> I THINK MOST REPUBLICANS FOUND THE PRESENTATION BY THE
HOUSE MANAGERS OFFENSIVE AND ABSURD.
>> STEPHEN: (AS GRAHAM) "THAT MATERIAL WAS OFFENSIVE AND
ABSURD!
I HEARD SWEARS, I SAW THE Q-SHAMAN'S NIPPLES!
A GENTLEMAN WOULD PUT ON A PAIR OF SLACKS AND A POLO SHIRT
BEFORE POOPIN' IN THE ROTUNDA."
GRAHAM ALSO HIT THE G.O.P.'S FAVORITE NEW TALKING POINT:
MAYBE TRYING TO MURDER NANCY PELOSI WAS ALL NANCY PELOSI'S
FAULT.
>> HERE'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW: WHAT DID NANCY PELOSI KNOW AND
WHEN DID SHE KNOW IT?
IF IT WAS WIDELY KNOWN BY THE F.B.I. AND THE CAPITOL HILL
POLICE PEOPLE WERE PLANNING TO COME TO WASHINGTON BEFORE THE
SIXTH, TO CREATE VIOLENCE, I WANT TO KNOW, DID SHE IS KNOW
ABOUT THAT?
>> STEPHEN: AND WITH THIS ARGUMENT, GRAHAM JOINS A
PANTHEON OF OTHER REPUBLICANS TRYING TO PIN THE CAPITOL RIOT
ON SPEAKER PELOSI.
IT'S JUST GOOD TO KNOW THAT THE G.O.P. HAS CONDUCTED THEIR OW
INVESTIGATION, AND AFTER CLOSE, FORENSIC RECONSTRUCTION OF THE
EVENTS OF THAT DAY, THEY DISCOVERED: THERE'S A WOMAN TO
BLAME!
MA-HA!
ANOTHER COMPLETE DUMB-ASS IS FLORIDA SENATOR AND PET PYTHON
WATCHING A MOUSE DROP INTO THE TERRARIUM, RICK SCOTT.
SCOTT WAS ONE OF THE SEDITIONIST SYMPATHIZERS WHO VOTED TO THROW
OUT THE ELECTION RESULTS, AND AFTER VIEWING THE EXPLICIT
VIDEOS OF THE ATTACK YESTERDAY, SCOTT CALLED THE TRIAL, "A
COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME."
BUT HE DOES BELIEVE THERE SHOULD BE SOME CONSEQUENCES, SAYING, "I
HOPE EVERYBODY THAT CAME INTO THE CAPITOL AND DID THE WRONG
THING GETS PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF LAW."
OKAY, YOU HEARD THE MAN.
SOMEBODY ARREST RICK SCOTT!
MIGHT WANT TO USE ONE OF THOSE LONG POLES AND PIN HIS HEAD DOWN
FIRST AND WRAP AROUND YOUR ARM.
ANOTHER LAWMAKER WHO BLEW OFF THE PROCEEDINGS WAS MISSOURI
SENATOR AND SURFER SAYING "HANG TEN MIKE PENCES," JOSH HAWLEY.
LAST NIGHT, AFTER THE HOUSE MANAGERS' PRESENTATION, HAWLEY
SAID THIS: >> I THINK THAT IT'S, THERE'S
NOTHING NEW HERE.
>> STEPHEN: YOU'RE A JUROR!
EVIDENCE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE NEW TO BE DAMNING.
"UM, THEY SAID IT WAS ARSON AT THE TOP OF THE TRIAL.
WHY ARE THEY SHOWING US ALL THESE PICTURES OF BURNING
BUILDINGS?
BORING!
COME ON, GIVE ME ONE BABY YODA UP IN THIS THING!
NOBODY HAS CLAWS!
WHERE'S THANOS?
WAA!
IT'S NO SURPRISE HAWLEY AND OTHER REPUBLICAN SENATORS
WEREN'T MOVED BY YESTERDAY'S EVIDENCE.
THEY WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION!
IN FACT, RAND PAUL WAS SPOTTED TRACING THE WATERMARK OF THE
CAPITOL ON A LEGAL PAD, TIM SCOTT APPEARED TO READ A
MAGAZINE ARTICLE, CINDY HYDE-SMITH GAZED AT A 2021
CALENDAR, AND RICK SCOTT WAS STUDYING WHAT APPEARED TO BE A
MAP OF SOUTHEAST ASIA.
(AS RICK SCOTT) "HUH!
THEY GOT LOTS OF FLORIDAS OVER THERE.
THIS ONE'S CALLED MALL-ASIA.
I WONDER WHAT LANGUAGE THEIR MICKEY MOUSE SPEAKS!"
BUT THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF HEART-WRENCHING TESTIMONY TO GO,
AND YOU CAN ONLY READ SO MANY CALENDARS BEFORE THEY START TO
GET REPETITIVE.
LUCKILY, THERE'S A NEW PRODUCT TO HELP THESE REPUBLICANS TUNE
IT ALL OUT.
JIM?
♪ ♪
>> TODAY, EVEN THE MOST PARTISAN SENATOR CAN FIND IT CHALLENGING
TO IGNORE DAMNING TESTIMONY.
HELLO.
I'M MENDELSEAN SOUND TECHNICIAN FOR QUADRUPLE, INTRODUCING
CONSCIENCE-CANCELING HEADPHONES.
THE ONLY HEADPHONES THAT CANCEL BOTH AMBIENT NOISE AND YOUR OWN
SENSE OF WHAT'S RIGHT.
THESE ARE BEAUTIFULLY DESIGNED WITH AN ATTRACTIVE MESH STITCHED
"R" FOR REPUBLICAN.
HERE'S HOW THEY WORK -- THE HEADPHONES USE ULTRA SENSITIVE
MICROPHONES TO LOCATE THE TINY VOICE OF REASON IN YOUR HEAD.
THEY SUBDUE IT, WHIP IT INTO SUBMISSION UNTIL ITS BUTT IS SO
SHINY YOU CAN SEE YOUR FACE IN IT.
THERE IS NO SAFE WORD.
AND FOR OUR BUDGET-CONSCIOUS SENATORS, TRY OUR MORE
AFFORDABLE EARBUD VERSION.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
SO PICK UP CONSCIENCE-CANCELING HEADPHONES TODAY AND WALL LOW IN
THE SWEET SOUNDS OF IGNORANCE.
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS COUNTRY MUSIC SUPERSTAR BLAKE SHELTON,
AND I SHARE THE SEASON'S HOTTEST VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS WITH
MY SPECIAL GUEST, EVIE COLBERT.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE."
STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪