WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I JUST WANT TO SAY--
THANK YOU.
I HOPE EVERYONE IN AMERICA IS USING PROTECTION, BECAUSE IT IS
VERY POSSIBLE THAT WE ARE ALL SCREWED.
WE MAY BE APPROXIMATELY 24 HOURS FROM THE UNITED STATES
GOVERNMENT SHUTTING DOWN.
AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE BAD NEWS.
IF IT SURVIVES THE NEXT 24 HOURS, THE U.S. GOVERNMENT IS
ALSO RAPIDLY APPROACHING THE DEBT CEILING, AND IF CONGRESS
DOESN'T FIND SOME WAY TO RAISE IT IN THE NEXT SEVERAL DAYS, IT
COULD CAUSE THE UNITED STATES TO DEFAULT ON ITS DEBTS FOR THE
FIRST TIME IN HISTORY, PLUNGING THE NATION INTO A RECESSION,
CRASHING THE STOCK MARKET, AND CAUSING INTEREST RATES TO
SKYROCKET.
IT WOULD BE WHAT ONE ECONOMIST CALLED "FINANCIAL ARMAGEDDON."
ARE THAT IS BAD NEWS AND EVEN WORSE TIMING
BECAUSE AMERICA'S ALREADY SCHEDULED A PLAGUE ARMAGEDDON, A
CLIMATE ARMAGEDDON, AND A DEMOCRACY ARMAGEDDON.
CAN WE PENCIL THAT IN FOR NEXT WEDNESDAY?
MAYBE A LUNCH-MAGEDDON?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHATEVER HAPPENS-- WHATEVER HAPPENS-- THANK YOU, CITIZEN.
WHATEVER HAPPENS, I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY NEW SEGMENT:
>> APOCALYPSE DOW: COUNTDOWN TO SHUTDOWN: WANTED: DEBT OR
ALIVE.
>> THE BUDGET.
THE BUDGET.
( LAUGHTER )
THE BRINK OF BUDGET DEFAULT, WHEN THE DEMOCRATS, WHO SUPPORT
RAISING THE DEBT CEILING, ARE IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING?
LOOK NO FURTHER THAN THE COMEDY STYLINGS OF SENATE MINORITY
LEADER MITCH McCONNELL.
( LAUGHTER )
NICE JOB BY THE EMBALMER.
HEY REALLY LOOKS LIKE HE'S SLEEPING.
ON MONDAY, McCONNELL LED A REPUBLICAN FILIBUSTER THAT
BLOCKED GOVERNMENT FUNDING AND RAISING THE DEBT CEILING.
SO, THIS IS A TOTALLY AVOIDABLE CRISIS.
IT WOULD BE LIKE KNOWING THERE WAS A LIFE-SAVING MEDICINE
AVAILABLE DURING A PANDEMIC AND NOT TAKING IT.
( LAUGHTER )
MAYBE WE SHOULD INJECT THE BUDGET WITH HORSE PASTE?
IT'S ALL PART OF McCONNELL'S PLAN TO DERAIL BIDEN'S
$3.5 TRILLION "BUILD BACK BETTER" PLAN, WHICH CAN ONLY
PASS THROUGH A BUDGET PROCESS CALLED RECONCILIATION THAT
SHIELDS FISCAL MEASURES FROM A FILIBUSTER.
YES, FOR ONE MAGICAL VOTE A YEAR, SENATORS LEAVE THE MORTAL
WORLD BEHIND AND ENTER AN ENCHANTED LAND OF
RECONCILIATION.
( SINGING TO "WORLD OF PURE
♪ COME WITH ME AND YOU'LL BE
IN A WORLD OF RECONCILIATION ♪ IT'S OUR SOLE REMEDY
EXCEPT FOR PURE INTOXICATION ♪ RECONCILIATION--
( APPLAUSE )
FANTASMAGORICAL PLACE OF LEGISLATIVE WONDER, WHERE
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE EVEN SOMETHING!
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT MITCH MCCONNELL'S AFRAID OF, SO HE'S
TRYING TO HARSH THE DEMOCRATS' RECONCILIATION BUZZ BY MAKING
THEM ADD THE DEBT CEILING INCREASE TO THE "BUILD BACK
BETTER" BILL.
BUT SCHUMER'S NOT BUYING IT, TELLING RPORTERS THAT
DEMOCRATS "CANNOT AND WILL NOT" RAISE THE DEBT CEILING THROUGH
RECONCILIATION.
McCONNELL AND SCHUMER ARE IN A STARING CONTEST THAT'S ALSO A
HIGH-STAKES GAME OF CHICKEN-- IN THAT, THEY BOTH LOOK LIKE RAW
POULTRY.
( LAUGHTER )
WILLING TO USE RECONCILIATION, IT WOULDN'T BE EASY.
THEY WOULD HAVE TO ESSENTIALLY PASS FOUR BILLS SIMULTANEOUSLY:
ONE TO FUND THE GOVERNMENT, ONE TO RAISE THE DEBT CEILING, THE
"BUILD BACK BETTER" BILL, AND THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL.
AND THAT LAST ONE MIGHT BE THE MOST IMPORTANT, BECAUSE IF THE
FIRST THREE DON'T PASS, WE'LL ALL NEED BRIDGES TO LIVE UNDER.
( LAUGHTER )
TWO PROBLEMS: WEST VIRGINIA SENATOR, JOE
MANCHIN, SEEN HERE EXPLAINING WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE MOON HITS
YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE.
ALONG WITH ARIZONA SENATOR AND MIDLIFE CRISIS VELMA, KYRSTEN
SINEMA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN ORDER TO PASS THE BILL THROUGH RECONCILIATION, ALL 50
SENATE DEMOCRATS HAVE TO BE ON BOARD, BUT MANCHIN AND SINEMA
HAVE BOTH SAID THAT THERE ARE PARTS OF THE $3.5 TRILLION BILL
THAT THEY OPPOSE.
BUT THEY HAVE YET TO PUBLICLY DETAIL THEIR DEMANDS.
SO THEY'RE HOLDING UP THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT, BUT THEY WON'T TELL
ANYONE WHAT THEY WANT.
THAT'S LIKE GETTING A RANSOM NOTE THAT SAYS, "YOUR BROTHER
GETS IT UNLESS YOU GIVE US...
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?"
SO OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS, THE WHITE HOUSE HAS TRIED TO FIGURE
OUT WHAT THEY WANT-- OR, AS POLITICO PUT IT, THEY'VE BEEN
TRYING TO UNLOCK THE MANCHINEMA PUZZLE.
MANCHINEMA!
REALLY?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE HALF MAN, HALF ENEMA!
( LAUGHTER )
THEIR NAMES TOGETHER, COME ONE!
SINEMIN WAS RIGHT THERE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS-- THIS RIGHT HERE--
I GOT A THING.
THIS IS WHY POLITICAL WRITERS CA'T CUT IT IN HOLLYWOOD.
THEY WOULD NEVER HAVE COME UP WITH BENNIFER, OR EVEN
AF-LO.
WE'D HAVE ENDED UP WITH FLECKPEZ.
( LAUGHTER )
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING CONTINUES TO HAPPEN.
IN BOOSTER SHOT NEWS, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI SAYS THREE
SHOTS WILL BE THE "OPTIMAL REGIMEN" OF COVID VACCINATION.
"OPTIMAL REGIMEN," BY THE WAY, THE MOST BORING TRANSFORMER.
( OPTIMUS PRIME VOICE )
THE REASON WE'LL NEED BOOSTERS IS BECAUSE VACCINE EFFECTIVENESS
DROPS A LITTLE OVER TIME.
AND RIGHT NOW, THE C.D.C.
RECOMMENDS THAT ANYONE AGE 65 AND OVER SHOULD GET ONE.
NOW, AN EASY WAY TO CHECK IF YOU'RE IN THE RIGHT AGE GROUP IS
IF YOU ARE YOU WATCHING THIS ON CBS RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT--
♪ ♪ ♪ YOU LOOK GREAT!
YOU LOOK GREAT.
BUT THE VACCINE THAT LOSES THE MOST EFFECTIVENESS ACROSS ALL
AGES IS JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S, WHICH IS WHY FOR PEOPLE WHO GOT
THE J&J VACCINE, SOME DOCTORS ARE ADVISING BOOSTERS ASAP.
AND WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS ONE SHOT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE
ONE SHOT COVERING EVERYTHING?
NO!
IT'S LIKE SHAMPOO-CONDITIONER-BODY WASH.
IT CAN'T POSSIBLY DO ALL THOSE THINGS IN ONE, AND NOW, NO
MATTER HOW MUCH I RINSE, I'M STILL SLIPPERY!
THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS: VACCINE MANDATES HAVE BEEN GOING INTO
EFFECT, AND THEY'RE WORKING.
IN HEALTHCARE, WHERE DEADLINES FOR GETTING VAXXED ARE COMING UP
SOON, MOST WORKERS ARE GETTING SHOTS, ESPECIALLY AT LARGE
HOSPITAL CHAINS.
SO YOU CAN FEEL SAFE AT ALL THE BIG-CHAIN HOSPITALS:
MC-SINAI'S, E-R-BY'S, AND THE CHEESECAKE SURGERY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE AIRLINE-- THE CH CHEESECAKE SURGERY.
I WOULD GO TO THAT.
THE AIRLINE INDUSTRY IS ALSO SEEING POSITIVE RESULTS.
UNITED SAYS THAT NEARLY ALL ITS WORKERS HAVE MET THE VACCINE
MANDATE DEADLINE.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
NOW FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WILL BE SAFE WHILE THEY DUCT TAPE
ANTI-MASK PROTESTORS TO THEIR CHAIRS.
( APPLAUSE )
FLIGHT ATTENDANTS.
OUT OF UNITED'S 67,000 WORKERS, ONLY 593 COULD FACE TERMINATION
FOR REFUSING THE SHOTS.
BUT DON'T WORRY, ANTI-VAX UNITED EMPLOYEES.
YOU'VE GOT A GOOD CHANCE OF GETTING SOMETHING WITH DELTA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN SOME PLACES-- THANK YOU, JOE, THANK YOU.
DON'T HOLD BACK.
I VALUE YOUR HONESTY.
IN SOME PLACES, AS THE COVID SITUATION IMPROVES, LIFE IS
GETTING BACK TO NORMAL, LIKE FRANCE, WHERE THE TRADITIONAL
"LA BEEZ" GREETING-- A KISS ON EACH CHEEK-- IS SLOWLY MAKING A
COMEBACK.
ALSO MAKING A COMEBACK: PANICKED AMERICANS WHO DON'T KNOW HOW
MANY KISSES THIS IS GOING TO BE.
MANY KISSES TO DO: "HI, OKAY, OKAY, WHEN DO WE
STOP?
IS THIS A PART OF IT?
YET NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I THINK WE'RE GOING STEADY AT A CERTAIN POINT.
AT THE HEIGHT OF THE PANDEMIC, THE KISSING THING WAS BANNED,
BUT NOW, WITH MORE THAN 70% OF THE FRENCH FULLY VAXXED, IT'S
BACK, AND PEOPLE ARE LOVING IT.
ACCORDING TO ONE FRENCH CIVIL SERVANT:
( FRENCH ACCENT )
KISS EACH OTHER THAN NOT BE VACCINATED AND NOT KISS EACH
OTHER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MAN.
WOW.
( APPLAUSE )
MAKE THINGS SOUND SEXY.
( FRENCH ACCENT )
MENAGE A TRIPLICATE."
SPEAKING OF EUROPE, YESTERDAY, THE VATICAN ANNOUNCED IT WILL
MANDATE VACCINES FOR EMPLOYEES.
WELL, NO SURPRISE THEY'RE BEING STRICT.
THEIR BOSS WAS ALSO THE FIRST TO MANDATE CIRCUMCISIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND THE VATICAN-- WOW, HUGE FANS OF CIRCUMCISION.
AND THE VATICAN WON'T BE ALLOWING RELIGIOUS EXEMPTIONS.
OF COURSE NOT.
AS JESUS SAID, BLESSED ARE THE VACCINATED, FOR THEY MAY ATTEND
'THE LATE SHOW.'"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE ANITA HILL AND ALESSANDRO NIVOLA.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, WHICH CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS ARE THE
ENDORSE-MOST?
JOIN US.