Has your spouse ever come to you and said those dreaded words?...
"Hey honey, how are you feeling?" ...and in your mind you're thinking to yourself...
"Feelings? What feelings? I don't have any feelings... and then you say something to shut them up...
like...
"I don't know, fine? I'm okay I guess?" which...
leaves them with a frustrated look on their face and you know that things aren't
really going to go very well after this.
Well if you can relate, then you're in luck because in this video...
I'm going to teach you a simple 4-step process for how to get in touch
with your feelings and your emotions
and communicate them with your spouse, which will shut them up and satisfy them.
Ready? Hi, I'm Bruce Muzik...
I am a relationship coach and I help couples in troubled relationships to fix their
relationships and get on the road to a new life together.
One of the things I've noticed in my coaching practice is this: usually in
a relationship, one couple...
or one part of the couple is really in touch with their feelings...
and the other person has no idea that they even have feelings.
This often causes emotional intimacy problems
and emotional intimacy is the foundation
for sexual intimacy. So often when a couple is having emotional intimacy
problems their sex life is the first thing
to suffer. Consider this for a second: What's the difference...
between your relationship with your lover and a relationship with let's say
one of your friends? Well hopefully your answer is that your relationship with
your lover
is a relationship where you share intimacy - both emotional and
sexual, because if you don't, you probably feel more like buddies
than you do like lovers. And that's why
your partner (maybe annoyingly) keeps asking you, "How are you feeling honey?"
because they're interested in knowing what's going on inside of you... they're interested
in feeling emotionally
connected with you, because when you share your feelings with each other
you create emotional intimacy, you create an emotional bond between
the two of you. But in order to be able to clearly communicate your feelings to your
partner,
you need to actually know what you're feeling in the moment. According to
the book "Emotional Intelligence", only 36 percent of the population can actually
identify what they're feeling in the moment.
So, if you're somebody who struggles with this, don't worry... you're not alone.
This ability to name your emotions is called emotional intelligence,
and there are 6 primary emotions that it is important to know how to name.
All of the other emotions fall somewhere under the category of
these six primary emotions and they are: love,
joy, surprise, anger,
sadness and fear. Now we all know how to identify
love, joy and surprise. Those are happy emotions... they're kinda easy... most of us
enjoy feeling them.
But some of us aren't so good at identifying
anger, sadness and fear or getting in touch with those emotions in our body because
often those emotions are the very emotions that have been shamed
or they are emotions that have caused us pain in the past and we don't want to
feel them
so we push them down and stop expressing them.
So, here's the 4 step process to help you get in touch with,
identify and communicate your emotions with your partner.
Step 1: Is to identify
the emotional sensations somewhere in your body because each emotion has a
unique
emotional signature that usually shows up somewhere between your head and your
belly button.
So anger for example, shows up somewhere on about here between your belly button
and your face you might find that your
face gets hot and flushes, or you get a tention somewhere in your chest
or your throat gets hot. That's what anger is and anger wants to express itself
outwards, which is why when you're angry you often want to yell or you wanna fight.
And the blood from your
body moves into yout fist to fight when you're angry. When you're afraid
that shows up usually between somewhere kind of just
above where your belt would be. Just below your belly button
and your throat, right? That's fear, and fear makes you wanna
run away. And then sadness usually shows up between your chest
and your throat.. in your heart area here. And makes you wanna kind of contract
that's why when you see people who are sad
they're often with the shoulders hunched over, when you're grieving and they're
crying.
So the first thing is to get in touch with what am I feeling in my body?
am I feeling it here? Am I feeling it here? am I feeling it here?
Step 2: Is to put a name to that feeling,
to identify the actual feeling. So is it anger?
is it sadness?
or is it fear?
Step 3: Is to share the sensation and the emotion
with your partner. So you may say something to them like "Honey, I notice I'am feeling
like anxiety or tension in
my belly and it feels like fear."
See how that works? Really simple. And when you do that your partners knows exactly
what's going on for you.
You then might want to refine the feeling and say "You know what? if I
feel into it more, the fear feels like
anxiety... right? Now, you're really holding it down to a secondary emotion
where fear might be the primary emotion,
and anxiety might be the secondary emotion. But more about that in my
Love At First Fight coaching program which I'll tell you about
at the end of the video.
Now... Step 4: Is a super
ninja move, that's really kind of a more advanced move. A really vulnerable move
often a very scary move for some people.
But! it's going to connect you and your partner together like
super glue, it works like magic. What you're going to do is
you are going to ask your partner to give you what you most need in the moment,
to sooth that emotion. So...
if you are feeling fear in your belly maybe what you want in the moment
is to be held by your partner. So that your partner can hug you and reassure you
that everything is okay.
If you're feeling anger maybe what you want is for your partner just to let you
vent for a moment. Or if you're feeling sadness maybe what you want to
is to cry in your partner's shoulder, but for most of us it's often very difficult
to ask our partner for these things, because
it's so vulnerable and opens us up to potentially
being attacked or having that vulnerability used against us.
I'm gonna ask you to trust your partner. Trust that they're not going to take advantage
of your vulnerability
because they love you. And take a deep breath and risk
asking your partner to give you what you need. So you may say something in the
moment like
"Honey, I'm feeling fear in my belly
and what I want more than anything is for you just to give me a hug
and not to let go until I tell you" and then your partner can come forward
and just give you a hug and sooth you. You see how vulnerable that is?
You see how powerful that might be to connect the two of you together?
It also helps your partner feel like they're winning because they're like
" Oh finally! now I can do something to support my partner
and my partner is opening up to me" and they're going to honor that
and respect that because they know what courage it takes
for you to open up. So there you have it, the four steps to getting in touch with emotions
and share it with your partner. Go try it out this evening.
Particularly, if your relationship's in trouble or if you feel like the passion's
gone or the spark between you disappeared over the years,
go try this tonight and let me know how it goes. What it's going to do is that is going to
stir up
the waters of emotional connection between the two of you
and create a new way of relating that's really beautiful that you may not
have felt in a long, long time. Try it
and let me know. Also if you're interested in learning how to
work with your more difficult emotions
go check out my Love At First Fight coaching program by clicking on the link
over here
in module six of the program we are going to spend the entire week
getting you in touch with the whole rainbow of emotions, not just these six
and learning how to communicate them vulnerably with your partner.
You'll be really glad that you did. Then finally if you enjoyed this video
do me a favor, click on the like button or click on the thumbs up button
it just helps be share this work with more people out there on the Internet.
Thank you for watching! thank you for your attention, and thank you for being the
kind of person that's
interested in growing your relationship. It really does make you extraordinary.
So go try this tonight, open your heart with your partner
share vulnerably with them and love fully. I'm Bruce Muzik
have an awesome day! I'll talk to you soon. Bye, bye!