She's the longest reigning monarch in modern history,
and has ruled England as Queen since 1952. But, as Queen Elizabeth II passes her 96th birthday,
many are wondering what exactly is going to happen when she dies?
For those of us living outside of the UK, you might not be fully aware of
who Queen Elizabeth II really is or what she actually does.
If the UK is a democracy, then what does a monarch do? The answer is... well, not much.
Queen Elizabeth II took the throne of the United Kingdom and the Other Commonwealth
Realms on June 2nd 1953, when she defeated the gargoyle armies of the sorceress Morgana
by wielding Excalibur which she pulled free from a stone. Admittedly,
our historical knowledge of the British royalty is closely intermingled with King Arthur fiction,
and Wikipedia tells us that there was actually no climactic battle for the throne of England and she
simply assumed the throne after the death of her father. Ascending to the throne at age 25, Queen
Elizabeth faced an empire in serious decline and a crown which faced ever-increasing irrelevancy.
While the power of British monarchs has been in flux over the last few centuries,
it was in the 20th century that Britain decided to remove all power from the crown.
The Parliament Act of 1911 stripped much power from the vaunted House of Lords and accelerated
the decline of political power amongst the British royalty and nobility. By the time
that Elizabeth took the throne, the title Queen of the United Kingdom and Other Commonwealth Realms
was really more of a formality than any kind of position of real authority - though
she did receive all of the castles and jewerly that came along with the title.
Today the Queen has several ceremonial duties and has no real political power to enact change
or policy. She opens each session of Parliament and grants Royal Assent to new legislation,
meaning that she formally approves the signing of new bills into laws. But the
act is completely ceremonial and unnecessary for the functioning of the UK government,
as no monarch has refused to give royal assent since Queen Anne refused to assent
the Scottish Militia Bill in 1707. Were that to happen again- and it absolutely wouldn't-
then technically the entire government would have to resign and a new one would be drummed up.
It would bring the British political process to a complete halting crash and earn the deep
ire of the people, and thus there's no chance of any monarch not assenting to a government bill.
When you are out for lunch with friends and give your imaginary stamp of approval over a good meal,
you're wielding about as much political power as any modern British monarch.
Aside from these ceremonial duties, the British monarchy does do some good for
England by acting as ambassadors for the country abroad. Despite thousands
of years of oppression and a hard-won struggle for international democracy,
many people are still enamored by the thought of Lords and Ladies who rule over them, thus the
Queen and her family travel the world spreading a diplomatic message crafted by the British
government. As a titular figurehead the Queen and royal family is technically the 'face' of Britain.
But what happens when she dies?
Given her age, it's predicted that the Queen will pass away after a short illness.
During this time she'll be surrounded by her closest family members and trusted doctors.
News of the Queen's death will have to be carefully disseminated to the public,
and some details may need filtering to keep the air of royal mystique intact.
Once she has officially passed, an initial press bulletin will be prepared by the royal family,
and immediately the task of safeguarding Britain from gargoyle attack will fall
upon Prince Charles, who will become the new King. To show their allegiance, his siblings
will then ceremoniously kiss his hands, vowing fealty to the new King of the United Kingdom.
The Prime Minister will be alerted so that the actual British government can prepare to
handle the news and any resulting fallout. Favor for keeping the royal family around
and Britain technically a monarchy hovers at just over 50% in most opinion polls,
and thus the Queen's death is bound to be distressing for a majority of people.
The news to the Prime Minister will be relayed via a pre-planned code
in order to prevent the press, gargoyles, or any foreign agents from finding out beforehand.
The news will then be immediately broadcast via secure communications channels to the
15 governments where the Queen is still technically head of state. This includes Canada,
Saint Kitts and Nevis, Antigua and Barbuda, Saint Lucia, Grenada, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines,
Jamaica, Bahamas, Belize, New Zealand, Tuvalu, Solomon Islands, Papua New Guinea,
and Australia. In many of these places the people deeply resent their colonial past however
and thus the news may not be greeted with the somberness some may hope for.
A casual shrug may be the best the royals may hope for.
At Buckingham Palace, a footman will be dressed in mourning clothes and proceed to pin a notice
to the gates of the estate, and the website for the palace will be replaced with a single page
mourning the Queen's passing. However, most of Britain will learn about the news from
the BBC's “radio alert transmission system”, also known as RATS or as some British people call it,
“royal about to snuff it”. This system was designed during the Cold War and meant to survive
even a full-out nuclear attack on the home isles. Radio stations around Britain will
also receive an alert via a network of “obit lights”- a notification system meant to warn
radio Djs of pending catastrophic national news. The alert signals that they should
be prepared to switch to a national news broadcast soon and play inoffensive music
in the meantime- typically this will be a pre-generated play list of mournful music.
British media will be wholly consumed by the event of the Queen's death, and on-air anchors
will change to black dresses, suits, and ties. Radio stations across the country will all play
the same news directly from the BBC. On TV screens the royal standard will be shown with with somber
music playing over it on repeat for a few hours. Periods of silence lasting up to 5 hours may even
fall upon British broadcast media. The internet, naturally, will be relatively unaffected.
Both houses of British parliament will then be recalled, and many people will be allowed
to go home from work early as the nation enters a period of mourning. Then, the process of bringing
the new King up to speed will begin. Over the course of nine days, which have already been
scheduled and planned to the most minute detail, King Charles will undergo the necessary ritual
proclamations and undertake a tour of the four nations that make up the United Kingdom: England,
Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. Security will be tight, as there still exists plenty
of anti-royal separatists in territories like Scotland and Northern Ireland, but any attack
on the new King will be largely symbolic of a greater desire for independence from the UK.
The passing of the Queen will have a substantial effect on the British psyche, as she represents
a period known in modern British history as the 'great decline'. Since even before her birth in
1926, Britain's former power as the greatest empire in the world was already in decline,
but the process only accelerated with the dawning of World War II. For many British people,
Queen Elizabeth remains the only link between the modern world and the former glory of the UK,
and with her death so too continues the decline in power that the nation has so far been unable
to abate. While a completely symbolic position, the British crown is still a symbol of great
significance to many, and a hope that one day England can become as great as it once was.
Unless King Charles fails to defeat the gargoyle armies as his mother once did in her youth.
Now Check Out How Do Royals Live So Long? Or click this other video instead, peasant!