DESUS: Yeah!
Yo, people are used to seeing us together all the time.
Yeah, but our day-to-day lives are actually very different.
Very, very different.
Like, I wake up at 3:00 PM.
Yeah, like, I wake up at 3:00 AM.
- OK. - You know what I'm saying?
I have no kids.
- I have four. - What?
They're very rambunctious.
So we decided to see what would happen
if we switched lives for a day.
Don't worry, we did not make Heather
participate in this experiment, because she
has better things to do--
like raise actual children.
Also, she's not SAG.
It would have been like a union violation.
Yeah, it would have been wild.
[ALARM BEEPING]
Ugh.
The single life.
The fuck?
Can we have breakfast now?
Am I going to school today?
I want pancakes!
[KIDS CHANTING "PANCAKES"]
It says here, I must never allow
you guys to sing "Baby Shark?"
KIDS SINGING: Baby shark, do do do do do do do.
[ALARM BEEPING]
MERO: "Keep the dog alive."
Shit. Where's Mack?
Mack?
Maccabee?
So when is this breakfast going to be ready?
I'm taking it right now.
Pancakes!
You know what-- is that Harry Potter?
Bullshit. Look at this.
KIDS: Pancakes.
DESUS: Pancakes, pancakes, pancakes.
You know what you're all getting?
Monster Energy drinks.
OK?
A toast to true friends.
You know, yeah.
And Desus, Do as Desus does.
I don't understand.
There's so many pots, but there's no food.
Hello?
Yes, I would like to place an order, please.
Say, papi, today at lunching--
Can I get 20 bacon, egg and cheese?
OK, you're Italian.
Right.
OK.
Yeah, so can't you just make me a chicken parma?
Wings and pork fried rice, fried hard.
It's a nice day, right?
I keep forgetting you don't talk.
What the fuck is this?
All right, everybody, buckle up.
[CHUCKLES]
You fucking kidding me?
"The complete--" Damn, this shit is velvet, bro.
Wow.
I have soccer practice.
I have ballet.
I have my cooking class.
I need retractable lithium batteries.
Let's watch "Sex and the City."
Get the fuck out of here.
Damn, I've been drinking all morning.
I can't drive any of y'all.
You tell him, Carrie.
You don't need him.
Know your worth, queen.
You shouldn't be drinking.
Well, shouldn't have kids.
Like, duh.
DADDY PIG: Hello everyone.
I don't think you kids are old enough to realize
the Dickensian aspect of Peppa Pig,
and she's just showing how centralized
health care didn't--
She's a pig.
Boring.
And also, Pedro's a 'ho.
[SNORT]
I would fucking talk to literally anybody right now,
B. Hey, salt and pepper shaker.
How are you?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hey!
Delivery.
[LAUGHING] No, come in, come in.
All right, yeah.
Come on, come on.
What is it like to go deliver food?
Well, I just--
I got the food and I got on my bike and I came here.
Are we friends now?
You want to chill? - Yeah.
I mean, sure. - I got bad shit it the back.
There's like books with titties and like Xbox and stuff.
You want to hang out?
Yeah, why not. OK.
Fuck this job, bro.
Yeah!
Bedtime, y'all.
Line up.
It's 3:30.
It's 3:30, but daddy's tired.
You want to get high and play video games?
Yeah.
Oh, shit. We're not even playing, bro.
DELIVERY GUY: I know, right?
It's paused.
I like it.
Ah, shit, bachelor of the year in the house.
It was good, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
How's my Macky doing?
I don't know.
To be honest, I'm high as shit, bro.
Congrats.
Anyway, come and get your little feral kids.
Oh, they're sleeping.
Look how cute they are, right?
Look at them.
Did they behave?
Oh, they were on excellent behavior, because I had
to belt on deck all the time.
Oh yeah, you always-- yes.
That last one, he's an asshole though.
Hold-- dog, who the fuck is that?
That's not my kid?
Who, little Tucker?
Nigga, why would I ever name a child Tucker?
No, no, no, because I did the head check.
And there's one, two, three, four.
Right, yeah.
Like Biggie, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Those are [INAUDIBLE] commandments.
Yeah, so it's like, one, two, three, four, Mero's kids, boom.
Haha, yeah, that's a great song,
but that is also not my child.
So what am I going to do with him?
DESUS: You know what, you're giving
me a lot of stress for a problem that's not really mine.
I got my becks on deck, so-- - Dog--
--deuces.
--no, nigga, what the fuck?
Dude, you stay and you help me get rid of this kid.
Shh!
You're gonna wake Tucker up.
Oh, fuck.
Yo, Tucker, could I claim you on my taxes?