Rocky Mountain oysters don’t need to be shucked, and cowboy caviar doesn’t come in a tin,
and you really shouldn’t confuse bull fries with french fries.
These colorful names are all referring to the same menu item that’s remained a mainstay
for cooks throughout the globe - and across millennia. We’re talking about bull testicles.
So, why are bull testicles such a delicacy?
Throughout history and around the world, people have pursued gonads across the entire animal
kingdom. In Ancient Egypt and Rome, beaver testicles were so sought after for medicine
that a legend claimed the animal started chewing them off whenever it saw people approaching.
In Petronius’s Satyricon, first published in the late 1st century, an extravagant feast is
described as including “kidneys and lamb’s fry” on a Zodiac-themed platter - slang for lamb’s testes.
Modern Taiwan offers rooster testicles, expertly cut from live roosters,
in Taipei’s Snake Alley Market. There is even a Beijing restaurant chain, Guo-Li-Zhang,
exclusively devoted to serving up the genitalia of animals from horses to dogs to deer. India boasts
a testicle curry called Kapura Bakra Masala, sourced from lambs and goats. And since 2004,
Serbia has hosted the World Testicle Cooking Championship, where every animal - from camel
to kangaroo - may find his balls baked, fried, or even incorporated into a pizza!
But with all those options, it’s the bull’s bollocks that reign supreme - most sought-after,
most ubiquitous, most recognizable from appearances on reality shows.
It could have something to do with the role of the bull in the ancient world.
From the mystical Aurochs at the Lascaux cave paintings dating back to the Paleolithic era,
to the Bull of Heaven killed by Gilgamesh and Enkiru in the Sumerian Epic of Gilgamesh,
to the Israelites’ Golden Calf as described in the Christian Bible’s Old Testament,
the past is full of references to awe-inspiring cattle, deified for better and worse. The
world’s religions are full of gods and holy figures taking on the form of bulls and cows:
Zeus shape-shifted into a bull to seduce Europa; in the Hindu religion, there is the white cow
Nandi, a protector of Shiva; and the Ancient Egyptian built temples for Apis, in which a
sacred black bull would live out his life, treated as an oracle, pampered with jewelry and flowers,
and even given a proper burial - mummification, sarcophagus, and all - once he passed away.
In many cultures, this recognition of the bull as something powerful and sacred,
also came with the ultimate praise to the Gods: sacrifice. According to the Greek-based Foundation
of the Hellenic World, the bull was considered the greatest sacrifice one could make to the Gods,
closely followed by oxen: the best livestock was chosen for the honor,
and once the deed was done and its blood sprinkled on the altar, every piece of its
meat was consumed by the attendees. And if you doubt that that includes the testicles,
consider the stone inscriptions describing the continuation of this practice of taurobolium
in the Roman Empire of the second and third centuries AD. One such account from the year 160
describes the testicles of a bull being brought to an altar in Lugdunum in a ritual dedication,
theoretically to symbolize the self-castration followed by adherents to the cult of Cybele,
Mother of the Gods - and since self-castration was against the Roman ethos, better to take the bull
by the, uh, well you know. Similarly, the religion of Mithraism, an all-male secret society rivaling
Christianity in the 1st through 4th centuries, had altars depicting the god Mithras overpowering a
bull and cutting into its neck - while a scorpion attacked the animal’s testicles. In both cases,
they’re not just sacrificing the most powerful animal to pay tribute to the Gods, but are able
to overpower it, taming a beast considered to be number one in strength and vitality.
And let’s face it - they earned that status. The Italian chianina, the largest and oldest breed
in the world, can reach a height of 5 feet, 11 inches, and a weight of 3500 pounds - if
castrated, the steer can reach a height over six and a half feet! That’s on the large side,
but other bull breeds start at 1700 pounds on the smaller end. Some famous bulls of the modern age
include the British bull Colonel, who was the size of a large rhinoceros; the Italian bull Fiorino,
at one time the tallest bull in the world; and the American bull Toystory, a record-breaking
breeder who sired 500,000 offspring around the world! With their thick bones, muscled necks,
large feet, and overall intimidating physique, the bull’s reputation as the big boy of the
beasts is deserved - in every single aspect. The fertility of a bull is measured by the
circumference of its scrotum - the youths reach the fertility age when they hit 11 inches,
while the adult bulls can exceed 16 inches. That’s a handful, to say the least.
With that kind of equipment, it’s no wonder that people came to believe that devouring
the testes could improve one’s own vitality and virility. Historian Martin Polley posits
that Greek Olympians competing in the original Olympic games ate meat for days before competing,
believing that it would enhance their performance. That especially included the testicles of a bull,
which the athletes devoured raw, not just to increase their chances of winning, but to prove
their masculinity. Just imagine ball-gobbling being included on today’s Olympics coverage...or
would it be considered doping? It was certainly considered that way once in history- in 1889,
the Mauritian physiologist and neurologist Charles-Edouard Brown-Séquard was recommending
bull testicle extract as an anabolic steroid, claiming it could prolong human life. Maybe
he just had balls on the brain - he made the same claims for an elixir made from
dog and guinea pig testicles, leading one medical journal to call for his retirement.
While its medicinal properties have yet to be proven, the legend that eating bull’s balls give
you strength has endured. Take, for instance, Spain, known for its tradition of bullfighting
since the 18th century. Each bullfight ends with the Tercio de Muerte, in which the matador
must bring the life of the bull to an honorable end by thrusting a blade between the animal’s
shoulder blades, deep enough to pierce the heart. A successful matador may then receive trofeos, or
trophies: the ears and tail of the dead bull, cut off and given as awards. But there’s another part
of the bull the matador can take - its testicles. Matadors have been known to eat their opponent’s
testes after the competition in a display of victory and masculinity. This is hardly exclusive
to them, though - anyone can buy these gonads at the butcher’s or at a restaurant, even tourists.
Just ask for the criadillas - Spanish for testicles - also known as “bull fries.” They
usually come filleted, floured, and breaded, before being pan-fried with garlic and oregano,
or barbecued on a grill, or just served on their own with a spicy wine sauce.
This dinner of champions is also popular in Mexico and Argentina, and while criadillas
can refer to any animal testicles, the bull possesses the most popular set. Olé!
Similar to the belief in its masculine properties, the cattle ranchers of the United States joke - at
least, we think it’s a joke - that bull testicles work as an aphrodisiac, a natural Viagra. But
that’s only one reason the dish has been such a mainstay among the plains states for centuries.
Known colloquially as Rocky Mountain oysters, cowboy caviar, or Montana tendergroins,
the delicacy is served up with pride by ranchers who believe they are staying true to their roots,
from the days of westward expansion when food was so precious that to waste any
part of it would be, well, a waste. Legendary Denver Post writer Robert W. “Red” Fenwick,
wrote about the Rocky Mountain oysters in his “Ridin’ the Range” column in the 1940s and -50s,
not just popularizing the dish across the US, but cementing it as a Colorado staple. In fact,
Denver’s Coors Field baseball stadium serves them at concessions, while the city’s iconic restaurant
the Buckhorn Exchange claims to serve 300 to 500 pounds a week. As if that wasn’t enough, the
city’s Wynkoop Brewery has actually created a bull testicle beer: brewed with 25 pounds of bull’s
testicles, the Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout started as an April Fool’s joke, but interest and demand
got so high that Wynkoop actually decided to make the real thing, selling them in packs of two cans.
Shockingly, it’s not the only ball-based beer - Iceland has a beer made with whale testicles
smoked in sheep poop. Given the choice between the two, we’ll take the bull beer,
which we hear boasts a more nutty flavor. Of course, Colorado isn’t the only state proud of its
testicle cuisine: Nevada hosts a Rocky Mountain Oyster Fry, while Montana has its Testy Festy,
all full of the same kind of experimentation that Serbia’s Testicle Cooking Championship showcases:
testicle tacos, chocolate covered family jewels, gonads sushi...and so on.
No matter the recipe, the basics seem to remain the same. There are two outer layers
of the scrotum covering the testes; these excess membrane are carefully removed to reveal the soft,
odorless, yellow flesh of the testicle itself. Now, remember, you could be dealing with meat
that’s over 16 inches around, so they have to be sliced and diced to get it
to a reasonable mouthful. These slices are then breaded and deep-fried in oil - or,
if you’re a traditionalist, pan-fried with some flour and salt ‘n’ pepper - and voila:
fried bull balls, with a texture and flavor that’s been compared to veal, scallops, liver...and
brains. The Rocky Mountain Oyster has become world-famous - even places where
bull testicles aren’t exactly radical have taken to identifying the dish by its Colorado alias.
Not that that’s the only way to serve up bull testicles. In Vietnam, bull testicles are a
street food staple, served up in a variety of ways. They can be boiled along with the penis,
before being sliced up and added to a porridge; Ho Chi Minh City’s 146 Restaurant
braises them alongside Chinese medicine to guarantee strength to those who consume it;
and one hotpot recipe includes every organ that many would consider leftovers: testicles, penis,
tail, throat, stomach, it all goes in. In each dish, the balls are chopped up before being
served, but unlike the Colorado prep, the veiny membrane covering the testicles is preserved.
Meanwhile, in Southern Africa, the Herero people of Namibia, Angola and Botswana,
are so dedicated to cow-herding, even the headdresses of the women - whose
wardrobe was influenced by German colonizers - have been structured to reflect the horns.
And a life that revolves around cattle, means they have their own traditions for cooking and eating
bull testicles. A conscious, struggling bull is subdued with rope and castrated on the spot.
The balls are then thrown onto the coals of a fire pit and left to cook. While the kidneys
are saved exclusively for the women, only men are permitted to consume the testicles:
like the matadors and ranchers and Olympians, they believe the bull’s power comes from its
testicles - yes, another example of the balls representing virility, strength, and masculinity.
That philosophy has even been adopted by at least one American-based nutrition company
that offers bull testicle powder, available in capsule form - the idea being that since
testicles are an obviously a vital part of producing sperm and testosterone,
and because they are organs and therefore a target of nutrients consumed by animals,
they must therefore be a natural superfood. At the very least,
they hope that the enzymes in the bull testes will help maintain human testicle health.
Whatever reason you want to tell yourself - absorbing the strength of the bull,
taking advantage of its medicinal properties, paying respect to historical traditions,
or even just taking part in a dare - there are worse things you can put in your mouth.
Now check out Gross Food In Other Countries, or click this other video instead!