-Welcome, welcome, welcome,
welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
We are here. [ Cheers and applause ]
Studio 6A in New York City. It feels good.
Thank you so much for watching. Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, I think it's fair to say that right now
America is at a crossroads.
It doesn't get much bigger than this.
So we begin tonight with our top story.
-Get excited because McDonald's is bringing back the McRib.
-That's right. [ Laughter and cheers ]
Americans were like, "Finally, a glimmer of hope
in the barren wasteland that's been 2020."
[ Laughter ]
When he heard about it, Trump dropped out of the race
and said, "I'm done.
Clearly, I've 'made America great again.'
The McRib." [ Laughter ]
Somehow you know 2020 will wrap up
with the McRib being the cure for COVID.
You know that, right? [ Laughter ]
In other less exciting news, the election is just four days away.
And Trump is busy campaigning, but I saw a new poll
that found that nearly 60% of Americans disapprove
of Trump holding large rallies during the pandemic.
So, not only are the rallies dangerous,
they're also unpopular.
They're basically the kid in high school
who played with the Bunsen burners.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, if you want to do something dangerous
and unpopular, go to your local Blimpie and order the tuna.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Trump is still holding rallies,
including one yesterday in Tampa,
but it didn't go quite as planned, watch this.
-Just two days after President Trump's rally
in Omaha, Nebraska, sent several supporters
to the hospital for being too cold,
his rally in Tampa, Florida, yesterday sent even more
to the hospital for being too hot.
[ Laughter ]
-Don't worry, Trump had everyone cool off
by blowing in each other's faces.
[ Laughter ]
Actually, Trump said we are only seeing more cases of heatstroke
because we have the most testing.
[ Laughter ]
Years from now, Trump supporters will be reminiscing
about these rallies like they're old concerts.
Like, "Were you at the hypothermia rally?"
"Nah, I caught him on the heatstroke leg of the tour."
Yeah, it was so hot in Tampa, a fire truck --
this is real -- actually sprayed water over the crowd.
But Trump didn't seem to know what was happening.
Check out what he said.
-Look at that. Oh, are they doing that on purpose?
[ Crowd cheers ]
Are they friend or foe?
It felt good. I felt water on my face,
I said, where the hell is that coming from from?
[ Cheers and applause ]
They may be doing that on purpose.
Let's find out if they're friend or foe.
And if they are foe, let's take care of those son of a bitches.
[ Laughter ]
-Trump's like, "Friend or foe, either way,
let's turn this into a wet T-shirt contest.
Come on! Those sons of bitches."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, people were packed tightly in unsanitary conditions
and hosed down with water.
It's good to know his supporters are being treated
like circus elephants.
[ Laughter ]
And get this, with long waits at the polls,
I heard you can hire someone to stand in line
and hold your place.
And for an extra $50 on election night,
they'll scream into a pillow for you.
[ Laughter ]
You do that for voters, you're patriotic.
You do that at Disney, you're dragged through Toontown
while they throw turkey legs at you.
"Shame! Shame!"
[ Laughter ]
You guys, Halloween is tomorrow and everyone has plans,
and some notable people in Washington
also have something going on.
I'll show you what I mean. For example,
Mike Pence plans to hand trick-or-treaters
his favorite hard candy, ice cubes.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, Donald Trump, Jr., plans to inhale
a bunch of Pixy Stix and go rant on Fox News.
-The media runs right away. It's Russian disinformation.
There's literally zero evidence
that it's Russian disinformation.
[ Laughter ]
-Steve Mnuchin plans to tell kids for the last time,
"I'm not dressed as McLovin."
[ Laughter ]
Rudy Giuliani plans to spend a quiet night at home
tucking in his shirt.
That's...interesting. [ Laughter ]
Wilbur Ross plans to slowly suck on a Werther's Original
until he nods off. [ Laughter ]
That's kind of cute. Yeah. I'm not sure about this --
Joe Biden plans to bore trick-or-treaters
with long story about how his friend Ron Caramel
invented the candy apple.
[ Laughter ]
And finally President Trump plans to
smile through a window and be a human jack-o'-lantern.
Oh, well I hope they all have fun.
[ Cheers and applause ] I hope they have a good time,
it's Halloween.
Well, let's change gears, I heard soon you'll be able
to buy a brand new kind of milk. Take a look.
-Nestle is coming out with
Cinna-toast Crunch-flavored milk, aka "Cinnamilk."
The new flavored milk tastes like a epic combination
of cinnamon and sugar deliciousness,
with hints of toasted cereal in every sip.
[ Light laughter ]
-Cows -- cows heard and were like,
"I didn't realize what we did wasn't enough for you."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, here's a weird story,
a food writer in Georgia just created a restaurant
on her front porch for chipmunks.
Take a look.
-Yeah. Right now, her kids are like,
"Okay, we need to talk about Mom."