- Do you think you're obsessing over the one that got away?
Are you constantly thinking about what could have been,
what should have been?
Do you believe that you'll never find love again,
that this was the only one for you?
Because that is not true.
I promise you, it's not true.
Keep watching.
I'm going to show you why that's not true.
(gentle music)
You see, when a relationship ends,
we look back often with rose-tinted glasses.
"They're the only one. It was perfect.
I'll never find love like that again."
Not helped by all those songs.
"The only person for me. I'll never find love again.
There'll never be another person like you."
That is not true.
Here's what is true.
If you have ever found love,
if someone has loved you, adored you,
and chosen to be with you,
that means you have a template for love.
Sometimes things don't work out.
But when that person leaves or whatever reason,
they don't pack in their bag
everything they loved about you,
every compliment they ever gave you.
If you had love once, you can have love again.
And by the way, if you've had love once,
the love you have the second time will be better.
Because a relationship that doesn't work out,
for whatever reason, teaches you something.
If a relationship doesn't work, it's very easy to do this.
"What's wrong with me? Why don't they love me?
What has that new person got that I haven't got?
Why am I not enough?"
And the truth is you're always enough.
Sometimes relationships just don't work out.
Sometimes love slips away for all kinds of reasons.
And that's very sad,
but the thing is, you don't really want to be with someone
who doesn't want to be with you.
Someone says, "Look; I did love you. I'm so sorry.
It didn't work out."
You don't want to be with someone
who doesn't want to be with you.
You want to be with someone who loves you,
adores you, lets you know
that you are the most important person in their life,
and that you feel exactly the same.
And the problem is we have all these crazy things we hear.
"I'm looking for my other half."
You're not a half.
You don't need to find the other half of you
because you're a whole.
"I need someone to complete me."
That's not true.
You're complete just the way you are.
"I'm looking for my twin flame, my soul partner.
Our souls were separated at birth,
and then we traveled the world and found each other.
There'll never be another one."
That's not true.
Most people who've had a very successful, loving relationship
and the partner has died or left
will go on to have another even more successful relationship
because they have a template in them for love.
So if somebody loved you once, you will find love again.
And what you need to do is just take a minute and think,
"What do they love about me?"
Remember the text, the emails, the messages, the cards,
and think, "Wow, if they saw that in me, it's still in me."
You don't even need to know why it didn't work.
You know, I had the love of my life when I was 24,
and it was an amazing relationship.
And we loved each other so much, and it didn't work out.
And I was very sad because he was the most amazing guy.
But I married someone else. He married someone else.
We still email and stay in touch.
And it doesn't matter that it didn't work out.
What matters is I found everlasting, enduring love,
and so did he.
And I learned a lot from being with an amazing person.
I learned if that amazing person
could love me the way he did, I'm worthy of love.
The fact that it ended when I didn't want it to end
didn't mean that he took away everything he saw in me.
So if you've had love once, you can have love again.
You may not want to hear this, but it's true.
There are so many people you can love.
There's never just one.
There is so many people that you can love and be loved by,
and have an amazing relationship.
With my other half, the only one,
my soul mate, my twin flame.
Please stop using that language, and instead say,
"You know, there's lots of people that I could love
and that could love me.
There isn't ever just one."
Because if there was just one,
people whose partner died wouldn't go,
"I loved my partner so much. I found someone else."
So I recently went to a wedding, and the woman there said,
"You know, I loved my husband so much.
When he died, I was bereft.
And then I met this guy
who's allowed me to talk about my husband.
And he knows that I now love him. We're getting married.
It isn't taking away from my first love.
He's my new love and my second love."
And I loved that, that she had a wonderful relationship,
her husband died, she was devastated, bereft, distraught.
But then she found someone that loved her enough
to allow her to still talk about her dead husband,
but to become her husband
without feeling that he was second best at all.
And so if someone's ever loved you, you can find love again.
You need to sing a different song,
not, "Oh, I'll never find love again,"
but "I'll find love again."
Love will find me.
Love is all around you.
And sometimes things don't work out for a reason.
And the reason is there is someone better.
Sometimes you dodge a bullet.
Sometimes you look back and think,
"Oh, I'm so glad that person dumped me.
I'm so glad they left me.
Because if they hadn't left me,
I wouldn't be with the amazing person I'm with now."
So please stop saying "They're the only one.
I'll never find love again.
It will never be like this again."
That simply isn't true.
If you've had love once, you can have love again.
If you haven't had love yet, you can have love again.
I got married at 50,
and I'm blissfully happy 13 years later.
But if you read magazines, you'll go,
"I'm more likely to get abducted by a Martian
than get married at 50."
That isn't true.
When I went to get married and I was buying a wedding dress,
they were saying, "You know, we've got so many
50 year old, 60 year old brides
getting married for the first time."
It's a whole new demograph.
And so often, when you're young,
you're attracted to some of the wrong person,
you feel insecure, and you're looking for someone
to complete you, to give you confidence,
to make you feel worthy, to make you feel lovable.
As you get older, you realize that, "Oh, I can do that.
I know I'm worthy. I know I'm lovable.
I now know who I am, and I know what I want."
And you make smarter choices.
So it also helps to think of your first relationship
as a starter.
You can call it a starter marriage, a starter relationship,
rather like a starter home.
My starter home was a studio apartment.
I loved it. It was amazing.
But I couldn't now live in one room
with a kitchen and bathroom.
But I loved it then, and then I grew out of it,
and then I went, and I got a one bedroom basement flat.
That's all I could afford.
I loved that too, and I grew out of it.
Then I got a two-bedroom ground floor apartment.
And now, I've got an amazing four-story house, which I love.
And I could never go back to that starter studio home.
But when I had it, I loved it.
And I grew out of it.
You see, your potential expands as you move towards it.
And when your mind moves to a new dimension,
it never moves back again.
So you can look at your teenage romance,
you can look at your first love,
you can look at the one that got away.
And if you start to go,
"Oh, that was a starter relationship.
That was a starter marriage. That was a starter romance."
What that does is it stops you thinking, "I failed.
My marriage failed. I'm a failure.
It didn't work."
But when you call it, "Oh, that was a starter relationship.
It was amazing. I loved it.
I learned a lot.
And then I grew out of it, or that person grew out of it.
But I've expanded now to something bigger and better."
You know, I often say, "You dodged a bullet there."
I was talking to my daughter
about her previous relationship,
and it was so good that he wasn't good enough,
because now you're marrying someone amazing who's so much.
If that first boy hadn't rejected you,
you wouldn't be marrying someone amazing.
John Gray, who I know very well, always says,
"I'm so glad my first wife dumped me and left me,
and was horrible to me.
Because if she hadn't, I wouldn't have met my second wife
who's amazing and an angel."
What am I really telling you here?
I'm telling you that you get to choose.
Being dumped, a relationship ending,
that's sad, but it doesn't have to be.
It can be amazing.
So the event of being dumped will affect you,
but the meaning you attach to it affects you so much more.
"I'll never get over it. I'll never find love again.
I don't even want to find love.
I couldn't go through the pain."
It's like that song by Carly Simon,
"I Haven't Got Time for the Pain."
So the relationship ending, of course, it hurts you.
But you know what really hurts you?
The beliefs you layer in when it ends.
"I could never go through that again.
I'll never trust anyone again.
I don't want to love again. It's too much."
It's like that song, "Love hurts, love wounds, love cuts."
No, it doesn't. That's not true.
Love is the most amazing thing.
And most of us are going to live until we're 99 or 95,
and so it's likely we'll have more than one love.
And that's perfectly okay.
You need to sing a different song.
"I'll never get over you. You're the only one.
I'll never find another you,"
becomes, "Oh, I had love.
I'm going to have it again, only even better."
There's a song that says the second time around
is better than the first time.
Sing that song instead.
I found love, and love found me,
and the second time around is better,
because I knew what I wanted, I was more discerning.
They were more discerning.
I made a better choice and I'm in this love forever.
Sing a better song. Think different thoughts.
Remember, it's not what happened that hurts you,
it's how you feel about it, the meaning you attach to it,
the interpretation you put on it,
which you are free to change at any time.
And when you change the meaning you change everything.
The one that got away was meant to get away.
They didn't love you enough to stay.
They weren't invested or committed enough to stay.
And they did you a favor because they created a space
for someone that is committed, is invested.
You know, just before I met my husband,
I was seeing someone, a really nice guy,
had two young kids, a really busy business.
He lived in another town.
And I already knew that he could never make me a priority.
And that was okay.
I wouldn't expect a man with two small children
to put me in front of them.
But I knew that he couldn't make me
the most important thing in his life.
And I'm so glad that didn't work out
because I met my husband who has always made me
the most important thing in his life.
And if I'd stayed with that other person,
I would still be someone who could never be a priority.
I'm so glad that didn't work out.
It was never going to work out.
And when it didn't work out, it created a space, a vacancy.
Because I'm in one that did work out
and gets better every year.
And if I can do it, you can do it. You can always do it.
Love is available to you. It's all around you.
There's so many people that you can love that can love you.
There's never just one.
So stop thinking about the one that got away
and think about the one that's coming in to take their place
which is better for you,
and you're better for them in every possible way.
And I promise you, I guarantee you,
if you think that thought,
"They didn't get away, they left to create space
for the one, I'm meant to be with,"
your words shape your reality.
Change your words and that will change your reality.
Not sometimes, all the time.
So if you want to move on,
if you want to find amazing, enduring love,
if you want to feel confident,
if you want to feel worthy and lovable,
I have so many powerful audios that can help you.
So go ahead and take a look.
Take the one that will help you finding and developing love,
growing incredible confidence, growing self-esteem,
and they will change everything for you
because they put different pictures in your head.
The way you feel is down to the pictures in your head
and the words in your head,
and they fill up your mind
with powerful words, powerful images,
and they motivate you, compel you, program you, direct you
to find love, but also to maintain that love
for the rest of your life.