WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE IN THE STUDIO.
YOU'RE HERE IN THE AUDIENCE WATCHING FROM HOME.
IT'S GREAT TO BE WITH PEOPLE YOU LIKE AND WITH FRIENDS.
THE NEWS FOR THE LAST 24 HOURS HAS BEEN PRETTY BAD.
ANGRY PEOPLE IN THE STREETS, SOME OF THEM IN RIOT GEAR.
AND THE GOVERNOR OF NORTH CAROLINA HAS DECLARED A STATE OF
EMERGENCY IN CHARLOTTE.
THE SHOOTING OF AFRICAN AMERICANS BY POLICE OFFICERS AND
THE COMMUNITY OUTRAGE THAT FOLLOWS SEEMS TO KEEP HAPPENING
OVER AND OVER AGAIN NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES WE DO NOTHING.
AT TIMES LIKE THESE, IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
BUT IT'S EASY TO KNOW WHAT NOT TO SAY.
UNLESS YOU'RE "U.S.A. TODAY" COLUMNIST AND PSYCHIC YOU HIRED
FROM CRAIGSLIST, GLENN REYNOLDS.
LAST NIGHT, HE TWEETED A PICTURE OF PROTESTORS IN TRAFFIC WITH
THE CAPTION, "RUN THEM DOWN.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) WOW!
THAT IS SUCH A TERRIBLE TWEET THAT IT MADE "U.S.A. TODAY'S"
WORST TWEET INFOGRAPHIC.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THESE PROTESTS TURNED
VIOLENT LAST NIGHT, AND I JUST WISH THERE WAS SOME SORT OF
RESPECTFUL, SILENT, CIVIL PROTEST THAT PEOPLE COULD ENGAGE
IN THAT WOULDN'T ENRAGE THE OTHER SIDE.
YEAH.
NOPE.
THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK EITHER.
IN FACT, SINCE COLIN KAEPERNICK STARTED THE TREND OF TAKING A
KNEE DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM, HE'S BECOME THE MOST DISLIKED
PLAYER IN THE N.F.L.
A SECOND-STRING QUARTERBACK HASN'T BEEN THIS HATED SINCE,
STEVE "HURTLIN' HITLER" RHINEHEART.
PRETTY GOOD PLAYER, THOUGH.
>> Jon: COULD RUN THE BLITZ.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND WHY SOME PEOPLE ARE
SO ANGRY AT KAEPERNICK: THEY WATCH FOOTBALL AS AN ESCAPE FROM
THE HARSH REALITIES OF LIFE, UNLESS YOU'RE A CLEVELAND BROWNS
FAN.
WELL, IN THE FACE OF CONTINUED HEARTBREAKING RACIAL STRIFE, ALL
EYES TURN TO CIVIL RIGHTS ICON, THE REVEREND DOCTOR DONALD
TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, REVEREND TRUMP
REACHED OUT TO THE BLACK COMMUNITY AT TWO EVENTS IN OHIO.
BOTH WERE AT BLACK CHURCHES.
WELL, ONE OF THEM WAS TECHNICALLY A BLACK CHURCH
FILLED WITH WHITE PEOPLE.
I HAVEN'T SEEN SO MANY WHITE PEOPLE REPLACING BLACK PEOPLE
SINCE... BROOKLYN?
AND LAST NIGHT IN A TOWN HALL, -- LOVELY COMMUNITY.
LAST NIGHT, IN A TOWN HALL, TRUMP OFFERED A SOLUTION TO
BLACK ON BLACK VIOLENCE.
>> THERE IS BEEN A LOT OF VIOLENCE IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO STOP BLACK ON BLACK CRIME?
>> ONE OF THE THINGS I WOULD DO IS STOP AND FRISK.
I THINK YOU HAVE TO >> STEPHEN: THAT'S A BAD IDEA.
NOT ONLY HAS IT BEEN FOUND UNCONSTITUTIONAL, IF TRUMP'S
DOING THE FRISKING, IT'LL TAKE HIM HOURS WITH THOSE TINY HANDS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF RACIAL
UNREST RECENTLY, AND YOU'D HAVE TO BE AN IDIOT TO THINK YOU
COULD PINPOINT A SINGLE CAUSE FOR ALL OF IT.
AND LUCKILY, ONE TRUMP CAMPAIGN CHAIR IN OHIO IS JUST THAT
IDIOT.
>> IF YOU'RE BLACK AND YOU HAVEN'T BEEN SUCCESSFUL IN THE
LAST 50 YEARS, IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT.
>> I DON'T THINK THERE WAS ANY RACISM UNTIL OBAMA GOT ELECTED.
WE NEVER HAD PROBLEMS LIKE THIS.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT, THERE WAS NO RACISM UNTIL BARACK OBAMA
WAS ELECTED!
MARTIN LUTHER KING DIDN'T JUST HAVE A DREAM, THE WHOLE THING
WAS JUST AN HALLUCINATION.
( LAUGHTER ) AN ILLUSION!
BY THE WAY, LOOK AT THE INTERVIEWER'S REACTION TO WHAT
SHE'S SAYING.
YEAH.
THAT HAS TO BE THE WORLD'S WORST "THAT'S REALLY RACIST" POKER
FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) MILLER THINKS SHE KNOWS THE ROOT
OF THE BLACK COMMUNITY'S PROBLEMS.
>> WE HAVE THREE GENERATIONS ALL STILL HAVING UNWED BABIES.
>> STEPHEN: SHAMEFUL-- UNWED BABIES!
BABIES WHO AREN'T MARRIED!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU SHOULD ALWAYS MARRY YOUR
BABY TO ANOTHER BABY ON THE DAY IT'S BORN.
THAT WAY, THEY ALWAYS REMEMBER THEIR ANNIVERSARY BECAUSE IT'S
THE SAME AS THEIR BIRTHDAY!
COME ON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, SAY HI TO JON BATISTE AND
STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.