Listen, relationships can get tough.
It can be difficult to deal with,
but the reality is that
it doesn't have to be that hard
if we're willing to take the right approach
and we're willing to use the resources
and tools that are available to us.
And one of those tools is couples counseling.
So, I'm going to give you the five signs
you should try couples counseling.
My name is Stephan Labossiere
aka Stephan Speaks
back with another dating, life,
and relationship advice video.
This advice today is for men and women, couples,
and even if you're single you need to listen
because you're going to be in a relationship
so, you need to know these signs.
And again, I'm going to lay out
the five signs you should try couples counseling.
Now, as always before we begin
be sure to like this video,
share this video,
comment below your thoughts on couples counseling,
but let's get to it.
The reality is that
a lot of people have a negative stigma
on couples counseling,
on counseling in general, all right.
And I understand
because there's a lot of people who have tried it
and have seen no success.
Now, I would argue
the issue isn't the counseling,
the issue is you were simply in the wrong relationship
and the counseling actually exposed that.
So, it still worked,
it still made it clear, all right.
But the fact of the matter is that
you've got to be willing to
take steps like couples counseling
to see if we can rectify the issue.
And you should be open to counseling
because counseling can be such a helpful tool
and resource.
It can help bring so much clarity.
It can really help you both
get on the same page.
And again, it can help determine
do we have a relationship that can be fixed
or are you just two people that
need to go in a different direction?
But again,
because there's a hesitation to it
I want to give you some signs
that you need to highly consider are telling you
it's time to try some couples counseling, all right.
So, let's get to it,
sign number one,
your conversations with each other
are getting nowhere.
Listen,
if you and your partner have talked
and talked
and whether that talking was a lot of arguing,
a lot of back and forth,
a lot of saying the same thing
over and over again
the point remains
your conversations are not producing
any good fruit.
So, at that point,
it's time to bring in a third party.
It's time to essentially bring in a mediator
to see can we get on the same page
because the reality is that
sometimes the disconnect in communication
is due to lingering frustration,
resentment.
We're not hearing each other
because we're so busy in our feelings
and we want to express ourselves
or we want to deflect
because we feel like we're being attacked.
There's so many things
that are throwing the conversation off.
Now, if you follow me then you know
I'm a huge proponent of writing letters
and I do think
trying to communicate via a letter
is a great step in between
the having verbal conversations
and going to the couple's counseling.
I still think you should go to the counseling
because again, it's always going to be
a beneficial thing to try out,
but if you're not ready for the counseling step
I would say at least try
expressing yourselves through writing,
through letters that might help clear up some conversation
or clear up the communication.
However, couples counseling
this is a sign that it's time to give it a try
because you need that person
who can moderate the conversation,
who can help both sides
have an opportunity to get things out clearly,
who can help
each side understand and process
what the other is saying, all right.
And they can add a different perspective
that maybe both of you are not considering.
So, couples counseling is great
Now, I know some of you might be thinking
or at least this is what's hitting me right now.
Well, why can't I just use a friend
or a pastor or whatever.
Listen, it's not that you can't,
but I would highly suggest
using someone who's a professional at this.
Someone who is accustomed to these dynamics,
who understands how to handle
two people trying to have
very tense conversations with each other,
who are not biased in the situation.
Because if you bring forth
that friend, that family member,
and sometimes even that pastor
if they have any personal connection
with either of you or both of you
that brings bias into the moderation
or the mediation.
So, you need someone who does not have
that bias perspective
who has no emotional attachment to either of you
and that's why going to a couple's counselor
would be perfect in this situation.
The number two sign
that you should try couples counseling
is that the issue has been lingering for a while.
So, here's what I mean
whether you two have talked about it
or not,
if there is an issue that has lingered in this relationship
and lingering for a while
it's hard to put a specific time on it.
It really depends on
where you're at with the situation,
but let's say it's been months, all right.
At the very least months
and maybe even years in some situation
well, this is a situation where I think
it's going to be best to go straight to couples counseling
and here's the reason why.
When you have a situation or issue that has lingered
it is very likely that you have built up
or the individual has built up resentment,
negativity, frustration,
because they've been suppressing and holding it in.
And it's very difficult
to now properly and effectively
address the issue
after having suppressed it
or pushed it to the side for so long.
So, in most cases,
it does not get handled the right way
and the situation goes left.
Sometimes it gets worse
because now everything finally comes out.
Also, the person who did not know of the issue
feels like well, damn, why did you take so long to tell me?
There's so much that can go wrong.
So, having a professional already there
to help navigate through this
to also help communicate
for the person who's been holding on to this issue
in a way that can be more effective
is going to be very helpful.
So, when it's been lingering for a while,
a couple's counselor
is in my opinion the best approach to take.
Again, to just give you a better chance
at properly addressing and resolving the issue.
It's not that it's impossible to do this without the counselor,
but it is a great reason
or a great sign
that you should try the couple's counseling at that point.
Now, the third sign
that you should try couples counseling
is you don't want to walk away,
but you're not happy.
So, here's the thing,
so many people... I don't want to use the word trapped,
but so many people feel stuck in a relationship
or are struggling to walk away from a relationship
because for various reasons
they want to be there.
They want to be with this person
sometimes rightfully so
sometimes wrongfully so, all right.
And whichever one that is
it's hard to explore on your own
you need that outside party
who can dissect
and interpret what's going on
and understand the issues
that may be occurring within you
as well as within that relationship.
So, when you're at this point of struggle
where you don't want to walk away for whatever reason,
but you know you're not happy there
then we need the third party to step in.
Because again,
at this point, we need to figure out
can this be fixed
or is it time to walk away?
Is the struggle to walk away due to fear,
due to unresolved issues from your past?
Or is it because
you are with the right person,
but you guys have somehow fallen off
and gotten off track with each other,
which again, is a fixable issue
if they're truly the right person.
And that is something that the counselor can assist you with.
So, when you reach that point
there is no sense in continuing in the relationship
not addressing the issues
when you know you're not happy
but you're not willing to walk away yet.
You might as well go to counseling.
Now, I was going to say this in the end,
but I feel the need to say it right now.
If you are watching this video
and you're like, you know what,
Stephan you're right,
it's time to try this couple's counseling
but my partner does not want to try it.
Well, guess what,
then that means it's time to go.
If they're unwilling
to use the tools and resources out there
to help improve your relationship.
If they're unwilling
to take the steps to make things better
and they're not giving an alternate path
because it's one thing to say
I don't want to do the counseling,
but I'm not offering you anything else
for us to try to make this work.
Then at that point, that is still showing you,
you need to leave that relationship
because nothing is going to improve if you stay there.
And at that point,
if you stay with this individual
when they're unwilling to work on things,
unwilling to make any changes,
then you are essentially enabling them.
You are essentially saying to them
it is okay for you
to treat me the way you treat me.
It's okay for you to let these issues linger,
it's okay that I'm unhappy,
and I'm going to still stick by your side.
That is a horrible message to send.
So, that is your...
That's your other sign
that is not time for counseling, it's time to go, all right.
So, essentially understand
I know that's a struggle for many of you,
but it's just a reality that you have to face.
Number four on this list
of signs you should try couples counseling
is you're considering getting married.
Now, I laid out a lot of
I guess we'll say negative signs,
whatever you want to call it.
Just issues that are
lingering that they are now showing you,
you need to try couples counseling,
but let's just say you're happy.
You're in a great relationship
or you're in a relationship that seems great
and now you are considering getting married,
you still need to go to counseling.
Like, think it is a huge mistake
for anyone to get married
without some pre-marital counseling.
You want to make sure
we are not carrying any issues
overlooked or staring us in the face
that we just turned away from
and we're not going to carry these things
into the marriage
because I can tell you right now
marriage is a magnifier.
It will either magnify the good
or it will magnify the bad,
but it's going to magnify something
and if you have bad lingering
trust and believe it will rise to the top
and it will overshadow everything else going on.
So, you don't want to go into marriage
not addressing everything.
So, if you're considering it
and again, and that's whether you're happy
and you feel like everything's good
or because some people aren't happy
and they're still considering getting married.
Some people know they have issues lingering
and they're still thinking about getting that wedding ring
and walking down that aisle.
So, whatever is the foundational
dynamic going on here,
if marriage is being considered
counseling should be done,
it would be the wisest thing for you to do.
it would make sense.
Even if you don't think there's any problems whatsoever.
If there's not any problems great,
let the counselor only highlight the fact
that you guys are an amazing couple
and you can just move forward
knowing you took all the steps
and you are good to go.
And the last reason
why or the last sign
that you should try couples counseling
is the relationship is at its breaking point.
So, now, I mentioned earlier about
not wanting to walk away,
but you're not happy,
but now I'm talking about
you're ready to walk away,
you're ready to be done, all right.
You're like you know what, I am over this
enough is enough.
At that point,
it is still good
as a last hurrah.
I mean unless you really at your core
already know nothing can be done here,
nothing can be fixed,
and you're at peace with that
and that's the key.
That you're at peace at this point
because the reason why I'm even mentioning
the couple's counseling
is because many people have a struggle where
they leave a relationship
and now they're dwelling on the fact of
should I have left?
Did I pull the trigger too soon?
Did I give it a fair shot?
And so, essentially,
you not feeling like you took
all the necessary steps
or tried everything
has you still holding on to the relationship
even though you left it.
So, now it haunts you,
it lingers within your spirit
and it hinders you from having a successful
relationship with anyone else.
So, going to couples counseling
when the relationship hits it's breaking point
is a way for you to be able to say
I did everything I could do.
So that now if the counseling reveals
what you already felt like you knew, all right.
Or maybe even were unsure about
that you two are not good for each other
it is time to walk away.
Now you have a greater peace
and now it no longer haunts you and lingers with you.
So, again, that's the goal here, peace.
Peace of knowing I tried my best
or even in being able to say to this partner
who does not want to let go
because sometimes
you're ready to walk away,
but they're not
and they're begging you for a chance.
And so, you know what,
nothing wrong with saying okay you know what,
if you want a chance
let's go to couples counseling.
Let's see what they have to say,
let's see if there's anything fixable here,
but if it's not, all right.
Now, you did your part
there's nothing left to do
and again, keyword
you will have your peace
about the situation
and you can move freely
move forward and you are good.
Hey, thank you for watching this video,
be sure to check this one out right here
and I'll see you there.
Listen to understand
not to give a rebuttal.
One of the biggest problems
when people try to talk to each other
is that the person listening
is simply waiting for their chance to...