Billie: Cuppa tea, anyone?
Cris: Nah
B: Zara?
Zara: No thanks.
[Cris snorts]
B: Zara, remember how you said you like lamingtons?
C: Oh, I only like the chocolate ones. Sorry.
Mind-Billie (sings): You have nothing to say, you should just go
No one would care, no one would know
Oh don't be so down on yourself
It's lovely to have you around
Maybe Zara thinks so too
C (spoken): This is cute, we're all on our phones together.
Oh, god! Mark has an Instagram.
No one wants to see your photos, Mark!
Yeah, he's not gonna remember to update that.
B: Who's Mark?
C: My flatmate.
[Z's phone DINGS] Z: AUGH!!!
C: How's my report going there, buddy?
Did I sum up the month well?
Z: Well given that it's one paragraph and it says here,
and I quote, "Everything was fine." I'm going to make some substantial adjustments, Cris.
C: Everything WAS fine.
Z: No, it wasn't! We all lose our jobs in 5 and 1/2 weeks!
[Z's phone DINGS]
Z: Augh, Tinder's the Worst.
C: Maybe you need a break, my dude.
Edit my health and safety report!
Z: I can't stop now, Cris! This is who I am:
"Zara, 23. Not looking for anything serious."
It's what it's gonna say on my gravestone.
B: You're gonna die at 23?
M-B (singing): You're an idiot! You're an idiot! You're an iiiiiiiidiiiooottt
Z (spoken): Couldn't Billie help you with the report?
C: Na, Billie's busy.
She has to help me take a selfie!
B: Uh, please no, oh god. C: It'll be great!
C: Not only are they gr8. They're gr9.
Yanno? Like the numbers: 8 and 9?
B: Huh? C: You'd get it if you followed me on Instagram.
Z: Sure.
Beautiful. As always.
[Z's phone DINGS]
Z: AUGH!
I can't flirt with you at 3 in the afternoon, Olivia! That's when normal people have work -
So that society doesn't collapse!
(sighs) I just don't understand.
[muffled] If she wants to have sex with me why can't she just say that?
And then we could be having lots of lovely sex!
[not muffled] Wouldn't that be nice?
She's so pretty.
Look at her stupid, beautiful face, Cris! She talks in ALL lower case letters. Do you know how sexy that is?!
That's like the modern-day equivalent of Marilyn Monroe breathing too much when she talks.
C: But you're cool. You're all political and feminist.
Aren't lesbians all about that sorta thing?
Z: You gotta stop talking to me like I'm all lesbians.
And it's all just gifs now, Cris! It's all just. gifs.
C: Ok, maybe we should put the tinder down for a bit?
Z: NO! Maybe?
I just...
They all think that just because I'm nice that I must be looking for something serious.
What about /this/ indicates desperately seeking
a committed relationship? None of it! I just - traditional values are not a side-effect of the way-
C: We should spread the word.
Let's 'gram it.
Billie, you can film us.
B: Oh, I'm okay, I don't really know how.
C: It's real easy, you just press...
I think you should make this your number one cause.
I know you care about education what's its and political thingy-doodles.
But this is it, Zara. This is your movement. [presidential-esque music starts playing]
Z: I just want people to get to the point.
C: Preach it.
Z: I just want people to say whether or not they want to have sex with me.
C: Tell it sister!
Z: And then I want to have, or not have, that sex.
C: Tell it to the people!
[crowd cheers]
Z: People of Tinder: let me be clear. You are not so amazing that I will change my mind.
Nor will you change my mind due to your use of gifs, emojis, or memes.
No matter, and let me be clear, No Matter,
how dank they may be.
[crowd cheers]
And if you think that after one night of lovemaking
that I have fallen in love with you,
then I have a suggestion for you
a suggestion that will ring from coast to coast,
from sea to shining sea.
You better check that bio again!
Zara. 23. Not looking for anything serious.
Zara! 23! NOT looking for anything serious!
Thank you, god bless. And may god bless the various dating apps for lesbians.
Thank you, thank you. [C applauds]
C: And I got it all on ma phone!
[door slams]