- My sister just had a baby.
My sister had a baby to try to save the relationship.
(audience chuckling)
But I still don't talk to her.
(audience laughing)
Guys, this is gonna take forever.
(audience laughing)
Life can be funny sometimes, right?
Like, I can't get into details right now,
but earlier this week I received
the single greatest phone call of my life.
And then, just five minutes later, I got another call
telling me that my dad is in the hospital.
I said, "Yeah, I just heard."
(audience laughing)
I mean, look, I don't want to give you guys
the wrong impression.
I didn't hate my father.
My father wasn't a bad guy.
For instance, I never once, not once, not ever, ever,
saw my dad hit my mother.
(audience chuckling)
I mean, he was quick, and you can't--
(audience laughing)
You can't teach speed, that comes from here.
(audience laughing)
I remember when I was 13,
my mom got diagnosed with Parkinson's,
and my dad just gave up immediately,
said, "I can't deal with this, I can't live like this,"
and packed up his car.
So, as a 13-year-old boy, I had to be the one
to roll up my sleeves and say, "Okay.
"Guess I'm going with dad."
(audience laughing)
Sounds like mom needs some alone time.
(audience laughing)
And I think like a lotta guys ...
I'll never forget the one time I saw my dad's penis.
(audience laughing)
I said, "Dad ...
"Don't text me shit like that."
(audience laughing and clapping)
When I was a kid, my family used to move around a lot.
But now they're all fat as fuck.
(audience laughing)
To give you an idea.
To give you all an idea of how crazy my family is,
I'm not even the biggest asshole in my own family.
(audience laughing)
I had this cousin.
Everybody hated this cousin.
My own family hated this cousin.
And then a couple of years ago,
my cousin fell off of a horse and broke his neck.
We all refer to that as the Superman incident.
(audience laughing)
Because that horse is a hero.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat electronic music)