-Thank you. Okay, awesome news.
I'm engaged.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Alright.
Not everybody clapped, I saw.
That's okay. That's fine.
Whenever people don't clap for that, I'm like,
"Oh, I guess they wanted to sleep with me."
[ Laughter ]
And your days are numbered.
[ Laughter ]
When you get engaged, people ask you the same stupid questions
over and over again.
Everyone is like, "Were you surprised?"
"No.
But I was happy."
And they're like, "Boo!
You should have been surprised."
It's like, if you propose to someone, and they are shocked,
that's a bad sign.
[ Laughter ]
If they're tip-toeing on the gazebos,
they don't like you.
[ Laughter ]
And then, they are like, "How did you know?
How did you figure it out?"
I'm smarter than him.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's it.
Like, I plan everything in our lives.
You're not going to pull a fast one on me.
[ Laughter ]
Men are so clunky, too.
He asked for my dad's phone number.
[ Laughter ]
It's like, "Okay, well, they're not sexting."
[ Laughter ]
Then, they want to see the ring.
That's the next thing.
And no matter what, they go, "He did such a good job."
It could be the ugliest thing they have ever seen,
and they will say, "He did such a good job."
And it's like, "I did this."
[ Laughter ]
I built this thing from the ground up,
and now, he's getting credit for it?
There was an entire folder on my mom's phone.
Like, he may have financed it, but I'm the architect.
If this was a building, my name would be on the side of it.
He doesn't know anything about rings or weddings.
He proposed to me in a shirt that said "Mt. Dunkmore."
[ Laughter ]
You think he knows rose gold looks good
on potato famine skin?
I don't think so.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
My fiance is a hip-hop Filipino.
[ Scattered cheers ]
If you know, you know.
[ Light laughter ]
For those of you that don't know, a hip-hop Filipino,
if you went to high school with someone, and they, like,
loved break dancing, but their dad was a surgeon. Okay?
Like, he has a gold necklace, but he's allergic to it.
[ Laughter ]
We don't have any kids.
We're gonna get married. We're gonna have kids.
I'm an aunt, obviously.
You can tell from this manic energy.
Aunts without any of their own children
are the scariest people alive.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
There they are.
People are like, "No. It's dog people.
It's incels."
No. It's women whose screensaver is a baby
they didn't give birth to.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's a crazy person.
And the thing is, we don't want to be this way.
We want to be cool. We want to be chill.
But for some reason, that gets to be uncles.
And you know what?
Uncles have had it too good for too long.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Uncles don't do anything.
They show up.
They talk to the kid for 30 seconds.
They wreck the whole house.
And then, everybody is like, " What a good guy.
What an awesome role model."
I saw a guy recently wearing a hat that said, "Funcle."
[ Laughter ]
We don't have that.
I can't wear a hat that says "Faunt."
[ Laughter ]
If you're a fun aunt, you're a cautionary tale.
[ Laughter ]
They're like, "Yeah, go spend spring break with her.
And then, come back, and tell us why she's alone."
[ Laughter ]
Uncles always get to be cool in movies.
When we're in movies, we're just drunk,
dancing alone at weddings,
spilling pinot grigio on toddlers.
Going like this to deejays.
And they're like, "I can't move."
And then, we do crazy things
that perpetuate the stereotype that we're insane.
Like, you'll see a baby in a onesie that's like,
"If you think I'm cute, you should see my aunt."
That onesie should just say, "Somebody bang my aunt."
[ Laughter ]
"She's having a tough year."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you guys so much.
-Oh, my gosh.
Oh, hey.
Oh, my gosh.
Potato famine skin.
Megan Gailey!
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's how you do it.
Download "My Dad Paid for This" at Apple Music now.