-Last night, voters in Kansas overwhelmingly rejected
a state ballot measure
that would have restricted abortion access
despite shady GOP tactics.
And Donald Trump endorsed multiple dudes named Eric
in the same Senate race in Missouri.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
There was a huge victory
for reproductive rights last night in Kansas,
where a proposed amendment to that state's Constitution
that would have removed abortion protections
was rejected overwhelmingly by voters.
-There is big news on this big primary night.
NBC News projects voters in the state of Kansas
have overwhelmingly voted
to keep the protection of abortion rights
in their state Constitution.
This was the first test of the right to choose at the polls
since the Supreme Court ended Roe vs. Wade.
-Wow. Somewhere right now, Brett Kavanaugh is angrily
chugging a Coors Light tall boy with PJ & Squi.
I'm sure he's making that face, you know?
He really manages to look incredibly angry
and incredibly goofy at the same time,
like a Chihuahua who just saw the mailman.
[ Laughter ]
This is obviously encouraging news
in the fight to safeguard access to abortion,
and it's especially encouraging
given that anti-abortion activists
used every shady tactic they could think of and still lost.
For example, the wording of the ballot question
was intentionally designed to be as confusing as possible.
Now, if the measure had passed,
it would have removed abortion protections
and allow the GOP legislature to ban abortion.
But the wording of the language was intentionally confusing.
Here it is, quote...
Man, I can't believe they hired the same guy
who wrote the iTunes user agreement.
[ Laughter ]
I hope voters were given the options "yes," "no," or [bleep]
[ Laughter ]
That reads like the intro to a college paper
you start writing at 3:00 a.m. the night before it's due.
[ Applause, cheering ]
Thankfully, Kansas voters saw through the bull[bleep]
and overwhelmingly backed abortion rights
even though a shady GOP group also sent out
a bunch of misleading text messages on Monday
suggesting that voting yes on the proposed amendment
would have protected reproductive rights,
when, in reality, it would have done the exact opposite.
-In Kansas, where that critical abortion access vote
is happening right now, voters across the state
received this misleading text message yesterday.
Quote...
That is not true.
The measure on the ballot does not protect choice.
In fact, it would change the state Constitution
and do the exact opposite.
-You know, as a general rule, if your best strategy
is to try to trick people into accidentally voting for you,
that's probably a sign that you're the bad guys.
It's like, if in order to get people
to watch this show online,
we made the title of every YouTube video
"Click Here for Free Boner Pills"...
Although if you fall for that, shame on you
because the free ones don't work.
Fellas, you got to listen to me here.
I know you're thinking, "If I can get the pills for free,
I can splash out on a romantic dinner,
the horse and buggy through Central Park."
But none of that's going to matter
when you pop one of the freebies and realize
that was definitely a Skittle.
There are things in life worth paying for,
which is why the only erectile-dysfunction e-mail
you should ever open is
Boner Pills -- Reasonably Priced.
And I know this from experience because a friend told it to me.
[ Laughter ]
But that was not the only bizarre subterfuge
on display from Republicans yesterday.
In fact, in another state, Missouri Republicans
tried something even dumber.
In fact, this is a story that I think pretty much
perfectly captures the current state of the Republican Party.
Donald Trump, a man who, let's not forget,
tried to overthrow American democracy
and is currently under multiple criminal investigations,
created confusion in Missouri's Republican Senate primary
by endorsing someone named Eric
in a race with multiple Eric's
without specifying which Eric he was endorsing.
And then both Erics bragged
that they'd been endorsed by Trump,
a man who, again, is not only under multiple
active criminal investigations for inciting a coup
to overthrow American democracy,
but is also beginning to look less like a former president
and more like the Nick Nolte mug shot.
I mean, is his head getting smaller,
or is his hat getting bigger?
It looks like his hat is some kind of organism
feeding on his blood.
Look how pale he is.
He looks like he's starring in the next Martin McDonagh film
as the ghost of an Irish priest opposite Colin Farrell.
Look, I know.
I know they say all presidents age rapidly,
but Trump looks like he's halfway through
a "Raiders of the Lost Ark" face melt.
It's like he opened the ark, his face started to melt,
but then he slammed it shut real fast.
But then his face just stayed that way.
"The ark of the covenant -- we love the ark.
We love the ark, don't we folks?
They told me not to open it, but we had to open it.
Many people are saying the ark,
that's where they hid Hunter Biden's laptop.
And then -- And then I open it up,
and the ghosts -- the ghosts started pouring out.
They poured out, the ghosts.
And that -- that's how I ended up hiring my lawyer."
Anyway, that dude -- that dude right there --
that dude endorsed two Erics, two Eric's in the same race.
And then they both debased themselves
by scrambling to claim that endorsement.
-Just a short time ago, the former president offered
his endorsement in a key Senate race in Missouri.
He endorsed Eric,
leaving it open for voters to choose
between the two Erics who are actually in the race,
one of whom, the former Governor Eric Greitens,
resigned from office four years ago after a sex scandal
and is now facing allegations of abuse
from his ex-wife, which he denies.
-Former President Trump announced
his long-awaited endorsement late yesterday afternoon,
saying, "I trust the great people of Missouri on this one
to make up their own minds."
He goes on to say, "I am therefore proud to announce
Eric has my complete and total endorsement."
-That's right. There were two guys named Eric in the race,
and Trump was too cowardly to pick one.
So he just endorsed Eric,
left it up to voters to decide which one,
and when one of the Erics won, Trump claimed victory.
It's like going to the racetrack,
walking up to the betting window,
and saying, "I'd like to put all my money on horse."
You can't go back to the window
and claim victory when a horse wins.
Although, you know Trump has done that.
When he plays craps, he probably says, "Show me dice."
In fact, even Trump's own allies were split
on which Eric had gotten the coveted Trump endorsement,
with Ted Cruz tweeting that Trump had endorsed Schmitt
and Rudy Giuliani tweeting,
"Missouri, get out and vote for Eric Greitens,"
with a photo that said, "President Trump endorses Eric Greitens."
Although I'm just shocked Rudy picked one of the Erics
who was actually running and not a third,
completely unrelated Eric who doesn't even live in Missouri.
"Missouri, go out and vote for the Eric
who's been endorsed by Donald Trump --
Eric Clapton.
I'm a huge fan because 'Wonderful Tonight'
was my wedding song when I married my cousin."
[ Laughter ]
I was worried, because they say when you get COVID,
you lose your taste for cousin jokes.
[ Laughter ]
And by the way, this is all just stuff that happened last night.
Usually July and August are quiet months in politics,
but a lot of crazy [bleep] has been happening lately.
And because we've been off for a week, I missed a lot of it.
In fact, I don't have time to get to the rest of it.
So to recap as quickly as possible,
I'm going to have to try out a new segment called
"Seth Recaps What He Missed as Quickly as Possible."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ready? Here we go.
The Justice Department is looking at
Donald Trump's actions as part of his investigation
of the coup attempt on January 6th.
Trump is preparing a legal defense
and looking for a fall guy.
He also said no one's gotten to the bottom of 9/11 yet.
Matt Gaetz was caught on a hot mic
assuring indicted Trump associate Roger Stone
that he would get a presidential pardon.
The Department of Homeland Security raised suspicions
by hatching a plan to recover deleted Secret Service texts
from the day of the attempted coup.
The Pentagon also deleted text messages from January 6th.
The U.S. killed al Qaeda's leader in Afghanistan.
Nancy Pelosi went to Taiwan,
prompting a possible crisis with China.
Majority of House Republicans voted against bills to codify
legal same-sex marriage and contraception into federal law.
Joe Manchin and Chuck Schumer announced a deal out of nowhere
to pass a major piece of the Democrat's domestic agenda,
including climate talks and healthcare.
Joe Biden tested positive for COVID again,
and Ted Cruz was seen fist-bumping a colleague
on the Senate floor after blocking a bill
to fund healthcare for veterans exposed to toxic burn pits
like they had just done a keg stand at a Sigma Chi toga party.
This has been "Seth Recaps What He Missed
as Quickly as Possible."
[ Cheers and applause ]
I had COVID, dude.
I had COVID, dude, and you wrote that?
I can't believe they made me do that
immediately after recovering from COVID.
That's like if Joey Chestnut
had to do the hot-dog-eating contest
the day after he got food poisoning.
And, yes, it is true that I just got back from a week off
after getting COVID a second time,
or, as we call that in show business,
a season to pick up,
which means I wasn't here to comment on any of that.
I couldn't even do shows from my house
because Biden asked if he could borrow it.
And...
He went to high school with the sea captain.
I just want to say...
I just want to say to all of you out there who,
upon learning that I had COVID, immediately asked,
can Wally host the show while you're out?
Thank you so much for your concern.
Although, if you ask me, it's a little suspicious
that all the tweets asking Wally to guest host
came from a Twitter account named NotWally12345.
-Sounds legit to me, Seth.
-Does it?
-Yeah.
[ Laughs ]
-Last night was both a promising sign of progress
in the fight to safeguard abortion rights on the one hand
and also a perfect case study
of what the GOP has become on the other hand.
Voters in Kansas overwhelmingly rejected
the extremist views of anti-abortion conservatives.
Meanwhile, pro-Trump candidates
won GOP primaries throughout the country,
even in places where Trump endorsed multiple people.
They all scrambled pathetically to claim his endorsement.
Republicans are still desperate for the backing of any Trump
they can get, whether it's Donald Trump himself,
Don Jr. or Ivanka, just as long as it's not...
-Eric.
[ Laughter ]
-This has been "A Closer Look."
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