Vicki, how do you correct a child's bad behavior with positive parenting? -Okay.
Here's one you've probably never heard: "How do you correct a child's bad
behavior with positive parenting?" -You're going to have to watch the video to find
out. We've talked a lot about positive parenting. There's a whole positive
parenting playlist here on the channel. And the thing that most parents get
concerned about is bad behavior. -Hope so. -Sometimes maybe the parents get into bad
behavior too. Positive parenting is maybe the opposite of bad behavior by the
parent. -Right. -And if there's only 2 options --positive or negative then let's
pick the positive. -So, now we've got some bad behavior, how are we going to handle
that with our positive parenting? -I think one of the important starting places is
to police our language. How do we phrase something? Instead of saying no all of
the time, what if we could... We could redirect or steer them in a positive
direction. -So, trying to find ways to redirect their activity or their
behavior is a really great first step. -A subtle but important difference. Let's
say that you've got a toddler who's starting to get into something that they
shouldn't get into. Instead of saying don't or stop, you simply say, "Hey, how
about we do this instead?" -Right. -Which is in a
positive way. I love this one, Vicki. Get to yes. -As often as possible. -Find a way.
You know, as a parent to get to yes. You'll notice that you're constantly
saying no. What if you can get to yes. And it's okay if it's yes when or yes if. But
that's more positive than simply saying no. -Yeah, I've even had kids just kind of
joking like, "Mom, can I Drive the car?" Say "Yes, when you get a license." You know, when
they're young kids. -Yeah. -Really yes as often as possible. Because there are
times when we have to say no, that no to carry more weight.Aand so get
to yes as often as possible. Ooh, that is a good point,
Vicki. Sometimes we say no so often that it doesn't mean anything anymore.
And this will increase the value of the no when you have to use it. Beautiful.
-Another really important step is to avoid at all costs criticizing your
child in public. There may be times that you need to correct them and you need to
do so with full openness. But let's not do it in front of their friends or maybe
even in front of a sibling. Just not in public.
Take care of all of that correction in a little bit more private way. And
be aware criticizing at any time. That's really not... -I was just thinking, even when
it's not in public. -Yeah. -Are there ways that we can approach
this in positive language with positive energy? Positive parenting is all about
keeping it on the up side. -Right. -And you can correct a child using very positive
language. -Exactly. Like we were saying earlier, Vicki. If you can redirect rather
than "Don't do that", It's simply "What if you were to try this instead" or taking them
in a positive direction. A lot of times Vicki, kids are going to get our
attention the most when they're out of order, right? -Things going terribly wrong.
-Oh, yes. That reminds me of a t-shirt. Do you remember? -Oh, yeah. -When the kids were
in drama back in junior high and the stage crew are these black t-shirts. And
it simply said on the t-shirt, "If you can see me, something has gone terribly wrong."
And that's how it is with our kids sometimes. -Sometimes we don't see them
doing the good. So, it actually takes more energy from ourselves to catch them
doing good and give them some positive feedback. You know, especially for that
child that seems to need redirection a lot. Try to find the times that they're
doing good. Or even right as you've redirected them. Go ahead and praise them
as soon as they're engaged in it so that you have something positive to go
forward. -Right. Become a monitor of good behavior. See
if you can catch it happening. And then reinforcing it. Helping them to see, "Oh,
this is something that can get mom's attention. This is something that really
pleases dad." Instead of always getting the attention when they're doing
something that's wrong or against the rules or disruptive. Kids operate on
attention. Would you agree with that? -Definitely, definitely. -And bad breath is
better than no breath at all. -Okay. -So, they're going to go for whatever kind of
attention they can get. Even if it's negative, unfortunately. And that becomes
kind of a difficult dynamic to change. So, watch for the good behavior. -Now, if there
is a bad behavior and you need to correct it through some way, let the
consequences be the guide. Let the consequence do the teaching. -Right. As
opposed to "Moms mad or dads really upset about this." -Yeah. -They start to connect
cause and effect. So, if you're always upset when they do something wrong,
they're going to feel like, "Oh, the consequence for this behavior is that my
parent gets really upset." -Right. -As opposed to, "My life is better when I make
better choices." That's what we want them to learn. -Remember that when a child is
in stage one, consequences are the guiding force, right? So, you're going to
want to be near your child with the poor behavior, right? And you're going to want
to help them have that consequence. If you've told them to stop jumping on the
couch, you're going to get near them physically when you ask them to stop
jumping on the couch so you can assist them to stop. Because it's all about
outward outside reinforcement. -And again, going back to what we talked about
earlier. What do you want them to do instead of jumping on the couch? -Right.
-Taking it back to that positive, here's what I would like to see. Focusing on
what you want and and the desired outcomes rather than what you don't want
or what you want them to stop doing. -Right. Now, a child who's might be in
stage 2 or 3, you can buy yourself a little time. I think one of the things
that we get stuck in so fast is we think that we have to provide
consequence right away. Children who are in are behaving in stage 2 or 3,
you've got time. You've got communication, you've got consultation. So, buy yourself
a little time and you can talk about it when they are no longer in the fight or
flight. Because a lot of the times bad behavior is from a fight-or-flight mode.
Going back to one of our positive parenting tools, think versus fight. -And
just remember: Every interaction you have with your child, you are inviting them to
either think or fight. -When you buy time, it invites them to think. Consider
what effect this might have with your child. If you were to say, "You know what,
sweetie? We need to talk about that. We'll do that
after dinner." -Mm-hmm. Now, they get to think about it. -Now, they get to think.
Exactly. And that's the point. Now, they might try to fight with you. And you're
simply going to defer and say, "You know what? That's really important. We're going
to talk about that after dinner or some future time."Bbut you're buying some time.
That allows you to think too. Which might be really important. -A really important
distinction to make is between behavior and the child himself.
Brene Brown is a really great resource for understanding this difference
between behavior and the child. Now, we've got to be really careful when the
child's behavior is out of the ordinary or out of what we expect, we need to make
sure that we focus on the behavior versus the child himself. So, she talks a
lot about shame and guilt. Heard anything by her about that, just going google
Brené Brown and Shame And Guilt. She has some really great stuff. But the
difference between shame and guilt is it's it comes up from self-talk. So, say
I broke my mom's plant. You know, her favorite vase that has are planted it,
right? Okay. So, shame is "I am so stupid. I am such a klutz." it usually talks about
me, about the person. -Personalized. -Right. Versus guilt which is, "Ugh, I really
should have been more careful. That was a bummer. I wish I would not have done
that." Or you talk about the behavior. You know, "Boy,
I was klutzy in that moment." -So, what you're saying from from the Brene Brown
work is that we make it about the behavior not about the person. -Right.
-Which is a real key to positive parenting. That's something that will
help your child have different self-talk as well. -So, you're modeling the kind of
self-talk. So, it might be that, "Oh, you made a mistake." That's okay.
Everybody's human. Humans make mistake. And you talk about the behavior versus
"You are just always..." Yeah. -"Never..." -Or you're judging the child. -"You're so..." -Mmhmm. -Right.
So, it's not personalized. It's about the behaviors but not about the person. -Right.
-A lot of the times, behavior... Poor behavior sometimes it's just not very
smart thinking. You know, they didn't think through the....
Didn't go all the way to the end of the that whole stream. But sometimes it is
seeking attention, right? So, I think one of the things you can do is try to
increase the time you give to your child to have a voice. To have your attention.
Maybe on a particularly difficult day, maybe just increase time reading by an
extra 15 minutes at the not at night. So, that you can debrief, talk have some time
to interact. Give them a voice to describe or to talk about what's going
on inside them. -This is something that Vicki has done so nicely through the
years as the kids are settling down to bed, for example. And I remember, Vicki, so
many times when you would go in and and have them start talking a little bit
about wins and grins. Things that happen that we're awesome. Or ways to go and
ways to grow. You know, what did you encounter that was difficult today? Or
what would you like to see happen differently in the future? And this is
what you're talking... -Right. Yeah, giving them a voice, a time to talk about
different thing. -To talk about express and debrief what's going on in their
life. That also increases your influence as a parent. Because it's bringing you
closer in that relationship, you get to create a bond with them that is based on
roll as a parent who is benevolent and generous and loving and that increases
your influence as well. Positive parenting is probably the answer to all
of the world's problems, don't you think? -I'm sure you think so. -I'm glad that you
think so. And that's why we created a positive parenting community. Come and
connect with us at ParentingPowerUp.com where we're putting this positive
parenting community together so that we can support each other in the most
important job in the world. Parentingpowerup.com. -See you there.