- What are the stages of recovery from infidelity?
I mean, how do you come back from something that destructive
to a relationship.
I'm Jonathan Decker with Mended Light,
and this is ask a therapist,
I'm gonna guide you through the process.
Let's do this.
(energetic music)
So it's widely known that of the most damaging things
that can happen to a relationship
is a partner having an affair,
is a partner cheating.
And it's not just the sexual and romantic component,
it's the lying, it's the dishonesty.
It's the betrayal of trust.
- What he is trying to say Reuben
is that we didn't plan it Reuben,
it just, it happened.
- A lot of couples don't come back from it.
Here at Mended Light,
we specialize in helping you to do just that,
either as a couple, or if that relationship dissolves
as an individual to rebuild your life after this,
because two scenarios.
One, you're a couple, you stay together and you lean belong,
but the trust is eroded and the love is hard to come by.
There's a lot of anger, there's a lot of hurt,
there's a lot of bitterness
and people start looking once again for closeness
and connection somewhere else,
and not just romantically or sexually,
but also just overcompensating through relationships
with family, friends, with your kids, things like that
to the point where you neglect the marriage.
There's that scenario.
The other scenario is the relationship dissolves,
it falls apart, it ends,
and you don't know if you'll ever be able to trust again.
You don't know if you'll ever be able to, I mean,
maybe you can love,
but love and trust are not the same thing.
And how do you know that you're not gonna get burned again?
How do you take precautions to keep that from happening
without just completely enclosing yourself
and shutting your heart?
You don't wanna be lonely,
but you don't wanna get be betrayed.
- I don't trust you.
- Well you know I don't trust you either.
- Well, then we're even.
- So if your relationship,
if you're still together
and you want to save the relationship,
or if you're flying solo,
the stages are the exact same.
There's just little tweaks here and there.
So first of all, did you know that less than 50% of couples
where there's an affair infidelity of any kind
less than 50% survive, right?
Less than 50% of those relationships make it.
What we do, we have an over 90% success rate.
And the reason is because I got specific training
and then I trained the team.
And our training is based on the work of doctors,
John and Julie Gottman.
They did a three-day 12 hours a day,
36 hours training for therapists on helping couples
and individuals heal from infidelity.
And their work is groundbreaking.
It's it's revolutionary, and it works.
And I reached out to them
'cause this training was for therapists,
and I reached out to them and I said,
"Can I create a program based on that
for couples and for individuals using your material
as well as my own experience as a counselor,
and my team's experience."
And they said, "Absolutely,
just direct people to our website for our books and stuff.
So go to gottman.com and check out all their stuff.
But we've created a program called healing from infidelity
that we've been doing for five or six years.
Over 90% of couples who finish our program
stay together and stay happy.
Over 90%, 100% of individuals who take our program
report that they now know how to keep from getting betrayed,
knowing when to give and when to withhold their trust
and how to proceed forward with confidence.
- So don't worry about me,
I'll be fine.
- So the three stages of recovery after infidelity
are atonement, attunement, and attachment.
And we're gonna talk about each one of these for individuals
and for couples.
Atonement.
Atonement means making things right.
It means making amends.
It means making something whole.
And if we're dealing with a couple situation,
if that's your situation, you're still together,
and you're trying to save the relationship,
what that looks like is there is a betrayed partner
and there is the other partner.
The other partner is the one who had the affair.
The betrayed partner needs to be able to voice
all of their hurt, all of their anger, all of their sadness.
And they need to be able to do it freely
without the other partner,
the one who was unfaithful,
without the other partner getting defensive,
making excuses, justifying, minimizing, shutting down.
The person who was unfaithful, the other partner
needs to be humble and needs to be accountable.
He needs to take full responsibility.
- You wanted this.
- I don't want it to give the impression
that the atonement phase has a beginning and an end.
It lasts the rest of your life.
The atonement phase is I'm gonna take ownership
of what I did.
I'm gonna take ownership of hurting you.
I'm not gonna minimize it, I'm not gonna shift blame.
I'm gonna tell you that it was wrong.
I'm gonna tell you that I wished that I'd never done it.
I'm gonna tell you that I choose you,
and I'm going to reassure you every single day
with changed behavior.
- I'm sorry I lied to you.
- During the atonement phase,
the betrayed partner and the other partner need to recognize
that an actual trauma has occurred.
It's called betrayal trauma.
And after betrayal trauma,
the symptoms are very similar
to post-traumatic stress disorder.
We often think that PTSD is the sole domain
of firefighters and police officers, but that's not true.
PTSD can occur when you think that your world is safe,
and then you discover that it's not.
And that includes when you think that your marriage is safe
or that your relationship is safe,
that your partner would never betray you,
and then you discover that they did.
- You betrayed me.
- So what does that look like?
That looks like triggers that set you off.
Reminders, and you feel all over the place emotionally,
sometimes you want your partner closer.
- I miss you.
- Sometimes you don't want them closer,
you're disgusted by them.
- If you ever come close to me again, I will kill you.
- Sometimes you want reassurance and intimacy,
and other times you just want to be left alone.
If you were betrayed
and you feel like your emotions are out of control,
that's normal.
That's part of betrayal trauma.
You experienced a trauma and you're trying to correct
and you're trying to find your equilibrium,
and oftentimes it just sends you all over the place.
If you were the one who was unfaithful, you may feel like,
well, I admitted it was wrong and I stopped doing it,
and I said, I was sorry.
So they just need to let go and forgive now.
And I hate to tell you this,
but your actions traumatize your partner,
so you've got to help them through it, right?
That's the atonement phase.
And very often, in fact, I would say every time
in today's society, because this resource is available,
having a qualified counselor guide you through this
is essential.
So that's the atonement phase.
- Maggie, I'm going to offer you a word
and you respond however you're moved from here.
- The next phase is attunement.
Attunement is okay, we are working on trust and forgiveness,
and there's a difference between forgiveness and trust.
Forgiveness is I'm letting go of bitterness and anger
and hatred towards you.
And I can forgive you even if we never talk again,
even if our relationship ends and I never see you again,
I can forgive you.
And I can forgive you whether you asked for my forgiveness,
I can forgive you whether the behavior ever changes,
because I don't forgive you for you, I forgive you for me.
It's to let go of this, right?
And to not be dominated by it.
Trust on the other hand has to be earned.
And trust is essential for a healthy committed relationship.
During the atonement phase,
we're working on forgiveness and trust.
As we move on to the attunement phase,
things are getting better, we're feeling closer.
There's more trust.
Every time that bitterness and anger rear their ugly head,
we work through it through forgiveness.
Attunement is now we're working on our relationship,
because there's more here than just the betrayal.
- What I thought we were in the trust tree with in the nest.
Are we not?
- We are. - Okay.
- During the attunement phase,
we realized that there were things that pulled us apart.
There are things that maybe made us more susceptible
to having infidelity rock our relationship.
Maybe we were growing apart.
Maybe we weren't communicating.
Maybe we didn't know how to resolve conflict.
Maybe we felt lonely in our marriage,
and maybe it was none of those things,
but during the attunement phase we look for it
and try and identify how did this happen,
so we can keep this from happening again,
and how do we strengthen and solidify a relationship.
- Sometimes we forget
how to do the easiest thing in the world,
which is just a talk to each other.
- And then there's a third phase which is attachment.
And attachment is we're doing well.
Trust is here.
Love is here.
Forgiveness is here.
And we figured out how this happened
and what we're gonna do to keep it from happening again.
So how do we build on that instead of backsliding?
What are the consequences for infidelity, right?
What are the consequences if this happens again
so that everybody knows cards on the table,
here are the stakes.
How do we turn sex from something that is triggering
to something that brings us closer together,
where we feel safe and loved?
And what connection rituals do we establish
so that we are consistently there for each other,
so that we are consistently connected
so that this type of thing doesn't ever happen again.
So those are the three phases,
atonement, attunement, and attachment.
Now you know what they are at least on the surface level,
but how to actually apply them in your life,
well, that's where we'd like to help you.
I like to invite you to visit mendedlight.com,
where you can learn more about
our healing from infidelity program
and gets scheduled with a member of our team.
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