hello brains i wanted to make this video
a long time ago but
i was afraid of rejection uh the irony
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rejection sensitivity is a huge issue
for a lot of us with adhd
including me but before i explain why i
think it's important to clarify the
difference between the terms rejection
sensitive dysphoria or rsd
and rejection sensitivity or rs
rejection sensitive dysphoria is a term
that's being talked about a lot in the
adhd community right now it was created
by dr william dodson who describes it as
a triggered
wordless emotional pain that occurs
after a real or perceived loss of
approval love or respect
according to dodson rsd appears to be
the one emotional condition found only
with adhd
and he recommends specific medications
to treat it but if you ask your doctor
about
rsd they probably won't have heard about
it because it's not in the dsm
and because as of this video neither i
ignore my research team could find a
single scientific study about it which
means
as much as it resonates with people with
adhd and as validating as it can feel to
have this official sounding term to
describe
what we experience it hasn't really been
researched yet that might change and i'd
be super curious to read the research on
it when it does come out
in the meantime that doesn't mean the
intense sensitivity to rejection we feel
isn't real
trust me it is and that is validated by
research
in fact rejection sensitivity or the
tendency to anxiously expect
readily perceive and intensely react to
rejection
is mentioned in several research studies
in relation to adhd
rs is not exclusive to adhd it's
actually associated with many
psychiatric conditions
including social anxiety borderline
personality disorder and body dysmorphia
but studies show that it is common in
adhd in adhd it seems to be because our
brains have difficulty regulating
emotions
in general you can learn more about that
in this video and that most of us have a
long history of repeated instances of
actual rejection
according to one study children and
adolescents with adhd are rated lower
on social preference are less well-liked
or more often rejected
are more likely to be designated
non-friends by their peers
and have fewer reciprocal friends up to
70 of these children with adhd may
have no close friends by third grade
that was me
when i was a kid i brought a book with
me everywhere because by the time i
could read i
already expected my peers not to include
me the first time i liked a boy i saved
up all my allowance to buy him a giant
valentine's heart
full of chocolates only to leave it on
his desk and then run away
he never knew it was from me the first
couple of times someone broke up with me
one of which was because my best friend
was dating him behind my back
it was so painful that i learned not to
trust my friends
and to figure out what boys wanted and
give it to them even when that meant
neglecting my own needs
so that they never had a reason to leave
and i've always been called too
sensitive
my sensitivity to rejection is so
intense that even perceived rejection
like getting a piece of criticism from a
boss
i'd melt down crying or get angry and
say things that would sometimes result
in actual rejection
like getting fired rejection sensitivity
is very real and very painful
caroline mcguire who wrote why will no
one play with me
explains something happens and it feels
enormous
it feels like your heart is pounding out
of your chest
it doesn't really matter what happened
really matters how intense it feels to
you
because we are more sensitive to
rejection
our body goes more easily into fight
fight or freeze
our body and brain have this ancient
alarm system
it literally thinks a saber-toothed
tiger is coming to eat us
we end up in this defensive cascade
because our brain thinks there's a
threat
the problem is that it feels terrible
so we end up people pleasing we end up
being afraid to ask someone to do
something
we end up holding back not asking for
that raise not inviting someone because
we're afraid they'll say no
but we miss out on a raise on our
relationship
on going somewhere rather than missing
out
we can use tools to navigate this
situation
so caroline created a tool to help us
cope the four r's
first recognize where you're at
emotionally the more emotions go up
the more cognitive ability goes down
strategies that would make sense at this
point in the intensity meter
might not be doable over here so the
first step she recommends is to get a
general sense of how intense our
emotions are right now
one way to do that is to check in with
your body are your fists clenched
are your teeth clenched is your stomach
tight are you fighting back tears is
your face feeling flushed for some of us
some of these things are kind of status
quo but the more of them and the more
intense they are
generally speaking the more intense our
emotions are too once we have a sense of
where we're at on the intensity meter
respond with a strategy that makes sense
for us at that level of intensity
because everyone's strategies and what
works for them is different we broke it
down into three categories
if you're in the green meaning your
emotions are at a normal level of
intensity and you're thinking clearly
it's a good time to engage in situations
in which rejection is a possibility
or to practice self-care so that we're
in a better place for when triggering
situations come up
so maybe instead of going from here to
here we go from here to here
while we're thinking clearly it's also a
good time to try to resolve any issues
from past conversations where emotions
were heightened and it wasn't a good
time to try to resolve things
or maybe we even did some damage we need
to repair if we're in the yellow
meaning our emotions are heightened but
we're still somewhat in control caroline
recommends strategies that can slow us
down
and calm our brain so we can continue to
engage maybe we can ask for
clarification about the thing that
triggered us what did you mean by that
focus on our breathing count to three
before responding go for a walk
pet the dog drink some tea the goal here
is to try to get ourselves back into the
green
or at least stay out of the red if we're
in the red meaning our emotions are so
high we're entering fight flight or
freeze
we can use strategies that help us feel
safe but cognitive ability is super low
right now so they need to be things that
we've practiced
a lot for me that's cuddling my dog and
meditating
remembering the steps to an acronym i
heard once and never practiced is not
gonna happen
resolving issues is also not gonna
happen as caroline puts it when we're in
the red
we are not fit for human consumption
don't pick up the phone don't answer
that email
don't try to work things out at least
until we're back in the yellow
this is hard because this is when our
brains are incredibly upset
and want to do something about it but
there's gonna be a point of no return at
which we can't even think clearly enough
to
disengage so it's a good idea to do it
if and when we still can
it's not always possible to disengage
entirely but we can usually at least put
that topic on hold while we use our
go-to strategies to settle our emotional
glitter and convince our brains we're
not in life-threatening danger
then when possible reflect and reframe
this part is super important for two
reasons
one the first thoughts we have about a
situation often
aren't correct they're full of cognitive
distortions
based on past experiences like emotional
reasoning
i feel rejected therefore i am being
rejected
or personalization they said they didn't
want to go see this movie with me they
must not like
me and two because if we believe the
thought that we were rejected
even if we weren't we are more likely to
anticipate
perceive and react strongly to rejection
in the future
and believing that thought is more
common when we're sensitive to rejection
so it's a good idea to intentionally
consider other explanations what are the
facts of what happened
we asked someone to hang out this
weekend and they said they were busy and
now we're having the thought that it's
because they don't want to spend time
with us and we're feeling rejected
okay that could mean they don't want to
spend time with us what else could it
mean
maybe they were actually busy or they
didn't want to see that movie
or they just needed some down time and
didn't feel comfortable asking for it
ask them if possible a lot of the time
stuff that we perceive as rejection
is actually just a conflict of needs and
reframing it that way can help us
consider that possibility in the future
and remember that not everything that
feels like rejection is rejection
all of this is easier said than done and
requires ongoing practice
so if this is an issue for you it might
be a good idea to work with a therapist
on it which i am also doing right now
we found that one situation in
particular kept coming up for me as
rejection
when it really wasn't about that and she
told me i was no longer allowed to use
the term rejection
i could be disappointed but i wasn't
being rejected that small change helped
a lot because it was really hard to
misinterpret a situation as rejection
when i wasn't allowed to use that word
i'm also working on self-validation to
undo some of the self-esteem damage that
past rejections have done there are also
cbt and dbt workbooks that you can work
through on your own
we even created a printable reference
card for your toolbox
keep it on you or where you work to cue
yourself to use the four r's and add
additional personal strategies to help
cope with rs
but what if we're right and no one
really does want to play with us
we can learn social skills to help us
reduce the risk of being rejected in the
future
let us know if you'd be interested and
caroline offered to come back and teach
us about some of those
thank you so much to caroline mcguire
for creating this tool for us if you
want to check out her book you can buy
it here
or learn more on her website if you want
to learn more about cognitive
distortions danny donovan did a whole
series about them which i will share a
link to in the comments below
thank you to my brain advocates and all
my patreon brains for making it possible
for me to do deep dives into research on
topics like these
and to my research team for helping me
do it and
seriously to every professional
collaborator that i've talked to over
the last two years about this topic
i really appreciate your help like
subscribe click all the things talk
about how you deal with rejection
sensitivity and i will see you next
video
bye brains
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you