- He's just talking to me the whole time in that super
porntastic way, he's like, "I'm gonna make you come.
"I'm gonna make you come so hard."
And I'm just like, "Uh, yeah buddy, whenever you want."
(suspenseful music)
(cheering)
- Hello everybody, welcome to This is Not Happening.
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir and tonight it's all stories
about romance.
(cheering)
Please help me welcome a very, very funny woman,
Miss Kate Willett everybody.
(cheering)
- So I'm gonna tell you guys a story about burning man.
So I went to Burning Man this past year.
Give it up if you've ever been to Burning Man, anybody?
Okay, some people.
I was skeptical about it because I've heard that it's
kinda lame now, a lot of tech people, but it's actually
really cool, there's a lot of neat stuff you can do there.
You can dance all night, you can see really cool art,
or you can have an unplanned pregnancy scare.
That is what I did.
So I went out there and I ran into this guy that I know
from home, he's actually one of my roommates and,
you know when you run into somebody at Burning Man,
you basically have to fuck them.
It's like the gift economy thing out there.
We decided we were gonna have sex at Burning Man and
we wanted it to be really spiritual, really transformative,
really special, but there's not a great place to have
sex at Burning Man.
We were like, oh where are we gonna do this?
Because my tent was covered in dust and glitter
and his camp, they're having a non-violent communication
circus arts workshop.
We're like, where can we do this?
So we decided on the orgy tent.
'Cause we knew that would be possible there.
So we go there, we wait in line for a while, and I see
the wheels in my friend's head turning, you know,
because he's like 24 and I can tell that he's like
picturing this whole scenario of a bunch of porn looking
ladies being like, "I'm bisexual but mostly I just
"love your dick."
I knew it was gonna be a lot more ren faire than that.
We walk in there, the first thing we see is this giant,
bear looking guy.
He's wearing a leather utility kilt and he is fisting
a woman, he's barking like a dog, he's just like,
"Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof."
My friend looks at this whole scenario and he's like,
"I don't even know if I can do this with you here, Kate,
"it's too weird."
And I was like, "You gotta stop whining and put out."
Just to be clear, I don't think that anybody is entitled
to sex with anybody, but at the same time, we did wait
in line for half an hour.
(laughter)
So we go in there, we look around, we find a spot on a mat,
there's a bunch of people doing sex yoga around,
and we start having sex and pretty immediately I can
tell that it's some of the worst sex that I've ever
had in my life.
So bad.
Like, this guy is making no effort whatsoever.
It is like freshman dorm kinda stuff.
He's not even trying because he's super cute, you know,
and sometimes cute people, they don't really make
that effort for you in bed.
If you want someone to really kill it in bed, you gotta
go for the short, the fat and the ugly.
Those people are striving to be invited back.
If you sleep with someone cute, it's just like,
"Hey I've got this dick, so congratulations."
And the whole time they're just thinking about how lucky
you are and it's just like ugh.
But this guy, he's like, he's just talking to me
the whole time in that super porntastic way.
He's like, "I'm gonna make you come.
"I'm gonna make you come so hard.
"I'm gonna make you come so hard."
And I'm just like, "Uh yeah buddy, whenever you want."
He's like, "Have you ever been fucked like this before?"
I was just like, "Honestly, no."
He was fucking me like he did not know that I was
a stand-up comedian.
As a quick little side note, he knows now.
So then a few minutes go by and he finishes and I also
finish but not because he was good at it, just 'cause
I'm a feminist and.
He says to me, he's like, "Oh Kate, I gotta tell you
"something, it is gonna be a real bummer."
And I'm thinking, yeah, I know what this is because
I'm a lady that's had casual sex before and the bummer
is always like, "I'm really sorry that I can't have a
"relationship with you."
And it's always from the worst guy too.
Like women are just sitting in their rooms being like,
"Pleas God, give me a terrible boyfriend."
So like, "Sorry I don't see anything long-term."
It's like, dude, no, it's cool, I just wanna, like,
fuck four more times and, if we're being honest,
probably loan you some money.
I am not in this to win it.
So I start getting up and leaving and he's like,
"No, no, no, no, no, Kate, this is a serious thing,
"this is really serious."
So I'm like, "Okay, fine, what is it?"
He's like, "The condom broke."
And I was like, "Oh shit."
That is a huge bummer because I definitely cannot
have a kid with this guy, like no way.
No matter how many crystals he sells in the spiritual
bookstore, we are not gonna be able to pull it
together to support a fam, and I for sure don't
wanna have an abortion with him.
I want you guys to understand, I am not against abortion,
except with him.
It'd be a huge pain in the ass.
He for sure would not pay for half, you know.
He probably would give me like 20 bucks which I
would know is a lot for him financially,
but also emotionally.
Then I'd have to be like, "Oh you did really good."
And it's just like I don't wanna get into that,
you know?
We'd go to Planned Parenthood together and we'd be sitting
in the waiting room and he'd be like, "Oh man,
"this is some really heavy karma, dude."
And I would just be like, "Oh my God, how old am I gonna
"be before I start having sex with men who call me dude?"
He'd be getting upset and so I'd like feed him some chips
from the vending machine to calm him down.
He'd be like, "I don't even know if these are vegan."
And I'd just be like, "I can't wait to kill your baby."
(laughter)
But I'm thinking this will be alright, it won't come
to that, you know.
Obviously they're gonna have the morning after pill
at Burning Man.
Of course they have Plan B at Burning Man, like does
Burning Man seem like a place that a lot of people
have a plan A?
So I ask my friend if he wants to come with me
to the medical tent and he's like, "Yeah, I don't know
"Kate, the vibes between us are just really not
"chill right now."
So I was like, alright, whatever.
And then I just decide for myself, I'm gonna handle
this situation like the mature adult woman that I am,
so I just put on my tutu and got on my bicycle.
I ride to the medical tent and I get there and there's
dehydrated hippies everywhere, super dusty, coming
down from every single drug, and the lady at the desk,
the triage nurse, she has purple hair and I go up to
her and I was like, "Hey, excuse me, do you have
"any Plan B?"
And she's like, "Oh, what happened?"
And I was like, "Well, I was having sex with this
"guy and the condom broke."
And she's like, "Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that.
"Are you concerned about STDs?"
And I was like, "You know what?
"I'm not really, I don't think a lot of other people
"would have sex with this guy.
"I'm a pretty special snowflake."
I really am though.
I've let people in my body that I would not let inside
my apartment.
Don't get judgy.
Look, love is blind, but theft is real, okay?
(laughter)
She's like, "I'm so sorry to tell you this, but we
"actually don't have Plan B because this is only an
"emergency medical clinic and this isn't technically
"considered an emergency."
I'm like, "Oh lady, we have a huge misunderstanding.
"It's an emergency that I don't have a kid with this guy,
"emergency.
"To put it into perspective for you, before we had sex,
"I had to loan him my hair scrunchy so that he could
"pull back his man bun.
"Emergency."
She's like, "Okay, okay.
"Well, I have an idea for you."
I'm like, "Great, what's that?"
She's like, "There is this woman back at my camp
"who has a spell."
So then I just started crying and she's like,
"Okay, okay, here's another thing.
"You could go up to one of the rangers and see if
"there are any feminist camps that are giving out
"tampons or birth control, maybe they would have Plan B."
So I was like, "Great, I'll try it out."
So I leave and I walk around until I see a ranger,
he's a guy with a walkie-talkie and a clip board
and I just go right up to him and I was like,
"Excuse me, sir, do you happen to know of any feminist
"camps that are giving out tampons or birth control
"or especially Plan B?"
And then he's like, "Uh, what's Plan B?"
I was like, "You know, the morning after pill?"
And he was like, "Oh, I'm really sorry sweetheart,
"I don't know about a lot of that lady stuff."
So I was like, "Okay, well I guess that's understandable.
"Just to break it down for ya, the basics of what's
"going on here is that I am ovulating and I am full
"of semen and we have got to turn this ship around."
He's like, "Oh, I think I understand what you need.
"You know who might be able to help you out is
"camp Beaverton, the lesbian camp."
I was like, "I don't think these lesbians are gonna
"have birth control, they are birth control.
"I'm not just gonna roll up there on my bike and be like,
"'My sisters, I repent.
"'I promise to write a slam poem about what I learned
"'from this experience.'
"No way."
So I was starting to panic, I didn't know what I was
gonna do.
I didn't know if I was gonna get off the playa in time
to get home in that narrow window of time you have
to take Plan B.
So I go back to my own camp and then this amazing
thing happens.
There's this woman there, she's bisexual, but the night
before, she had tripped on acid and on her acid trip
she decided that she only wanted to be intimate with women
from now on, for the rest of the year.
So she gave me her entire unopened packet of birth control
for the month and then I just took it and I ate the
entire thing.
Which was plan C.
I'm not a mom, you guys.
Alright, thank you guys so much.
(upbeat music)