I'D LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF AS ONE OF TELEVISION'S TOP
CATHOLICS.
SINCE ABC CANCELED MOTHER THERESA, SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE UP
AGAINST JOHNNY CARSON.
NEVER FORGAVE HER.
I HAVEN'T HAD TIME FOR MY TRAY TRADITIONS, ESPECIALLY
CONFESSION.
I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD EXAMINE MY CONSCIOUS WITH YOU
THE AUDIENCE.
YOU WOULDN'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?
>> Audience: NO!
>> Stephen: GREAT.
(LAUGHTER) THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S
MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS.
NOW, FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT SURE IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY
SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.
OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE, BECAUSE SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE,
SOMETIMES I WISH THERE WAS AN iPhone APP THAT WOULD HELP ME
FORGET WHERE MY iPhone WAS MADE.
I TOLD ALL MY FRIENDS I'M WATCHING "MAKING A MURDERER,"
BUT I'M REALLY WATCHING THE MAKING OF "MURDER, SHE WROTE."
(LAUGHTER) PRETTY GOOD.
PRETTY GOOD.
IT'S ONLY BEEN ONE WEEK AND I'M ALREADY BREAKING ANY NEW YEAR'S
RESOLUTION TO STOP EATING CAKE FROSTING STRAIGHT OUT OF THE
TUB.
(LAUGHTER) THAT KELLY CLARKSON SONG "SINCE
YOU BEEN GONE" TOTALLY PUMPS MY JAM SACK.
(LAUGHTER) (SINGING, JON FOLLOWS ON ORGAN)
(MUMBLING) (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE) WHEN I SEE SOMEONE'S BABY, I
ALWAYS SAY, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BABY.
BUT WHAT I'M REALLY THINKING IS, IF THAT WASN'T A BABY, IT WOULD
BE A REALLY UGLY ADULT.
(LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW, OLIVE GARDEN OFFERS
UNLIMITED BREAD STICKS?
WELL, OVER THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS, I FOUND THEIR LIMIT.
(LAUGHTER) I DID GET YOUR EMAIL.
IF I FORGET SOMEONE'S NAME, I JUST CALL THEM "CHIEF."
I HOPE I DON'T DO IT WITH...
CHIEF BRODERICK.
(LAUGHTER) I ALSO GOT YOUR TEXT ASKING ME
IF I GOT YOUR EMAIL.
I NEVER JOINED THE MILE HIGH CLUB, BUT I AM IN THE GREYHOUND
BUS TERMINAL UTILITY CLOSET GUILD.
(APPLAUSE) I SALUTE THE COURAGE OF CAITLYN
JENNER.
I JUST DON'T THINK I SHOULD HAVE TO CARE ABOUT HER IF I NEVER
CARED ABOUT BRUCE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I KIND OF WISH I ALWAYS CARRIED
AROUND A KITTEN SO ANYTIME I WANT I COULD MAKE PEOPLE GO
AWWWW...
(LAUGHTER) ALSO...
>> Audience: AWWWW!
(APPLAUSE) JUST NOW, I HAD A LITTLE BIT OF
THE FROSTING ON MY LIPS, AND I USED THAT KITTEN TO WIPE IT OFF.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I LIKE GOING TO THE "Y" BECAUSE
WORKING OUT NEXT TO THE ELDERLY MAKES ME FEEL STRONG.
(LAUGHTER) WHEN PEOPLE GET DIVORCED, I DO
BLAME THE KIDS.
(LAUGHTER) I HAVE IMPURE THOUGHTS ABOUT THE
LAND O' LAKES BUTTER LADY.
BUT MOSTLY ABOUT THE BUTTER.
FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE...
>> Audience: WE FORGIVE YOU!
>> Stephen: THANKS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHIEF BRODERICK.