- Welcome to our third and final video
in our three video series on trauma.
(upbeat music)
Today is all about healing from trauma.
Now, of course, this is a huge subject,
and could take hours, and hours, and hours to discuss.
So we're going to go over some principles.
Please know this is not an exhaustive list.
- I'm super excited about this,
because, this has been a real passion project for you.
You've been talking about doing this for years.
- Years.
- And so let's talk about first of all, why now?
And why are you doing this in the first place?
And then let's dive into how?
Like how to actually heal from trauma.
But tell me about your, why?
- My, why?
So through personal experience,
I've come to understand,
how devastating trauma can be.
And depending on the type of trauma that you've experienced,
it can absolutely shatter your foundation.
Your foundation of your life,
who you see yourself as,
what you see yourself capable of.
And you could absolutely be the type of person,
who goes through their life with the facade,
with the mask.
- I'm keeping it all together.
Everything's fine.
Inside I'm falling apart.
- And people don't realize just how bad it is,
because you're so invested in presenting well, right?
- Or I know for me,
it was a lot of trying to earn my worth, right?
Because of the trauma that I experienced
I absolutely struggled with those feelings
of a lack of worth.
And so I was always trying to earn my worth.
And when I had life experiences,
where physically,
I wasn't able to earn my worth anymore,
it all just came crashing down.
And sometimes in those moments,
where it feels like everything's falling apart,
maybe really it's all just coming together.
- Wow, yeah.
And that makes me think of,
I mean, some of them
we're going to address a little bit later in this video,
is creating your meaning.
What are these experiences mean?
It's not something that is hoisted upon you,
it's something that you can actually create.
So you're creating meaning now,
and you're using your experiences to help other people,
what you've passed through,
they're passing through it
and this is awesome.
So how, how does one heal from trauma?
Like you said, it's not...
This is not an exhaustive conversation,
but what are some of the finer points of how to do that?
- So one, number one thing I would always say,
is treat yourself with compassion.
So often, there's so much judgment.
Quite often, we have taken the responsibility
of a traumatic event, and we've internalized it.
And we thought it was my fault.
Something's wrong with me,
or this wouldn't have happened.
Something's wrong with me,
or they wouldn't have treated me this way.
- Even like, even if you can put blame
or responsibility on the other person
for their own behavior,
there's still a sense of,
"I should have been able to stop this.
I'm so stupid."
That's what I hear a lot is.
"I'm so stupid.
I'm so weak." - I should've done something.
- Yeah, exactly.
- So once again, something's wrong with me.
And all those beliefs come from a place of judgment.
And the antidote to judgment,
and self judgment is that compassion,
is that understanding.
And noticing your internal dialogue,
and when those moments of judgment come up
internally for yourself.
- Yeah.
- Counteract it with words of compassion.
- Yeah.
Well, that's powerful.
And I think judgment is often tied to,
what we call shoulding all over yourself, right?
- [Alicia] Yeah.
- I should do this,
or I should've done that,
or I should not have...
And we get really caught up,
and then when we feel like we failed
at doing what we should have,
then we're down on ourselves.
We feel like a failure,
we feel like we're weak,
we feel like we're stupid.
And what would you say about the shoulds?
- Yeah, as you said, shoulding on yourself,
it sounds a lot like another sh word.
So stop shoulding on yourself.
But letting go of those shoulds,
the shoulds and the supposed tos.
I should do this,
I should do that.
I'm supposed to be this type of person,
I'm supposed to be this kind of mom.
Once again, all that stuff comes from a place of judgment.
And so letting go of that judgment,
of who you think you are supposed to be,
and allowing yourself to be who you are,
and loving and appreciating yourself.
And I know that's hard.
Because,
you know I've heard it's said,
"You're not ever going to be able to change,
until you love yourself for who you are."
- Yeah.
And I remember struggling with that,
and thinking, "I don't even like myself."
How am I supposed to get to a place of loving myself?
- Yeah.
- So let it be a journey,
recognize that you're on a journey,
and allow that journey to happen.
And if something's not a fit for you right now,
put it on the shelf.
And what I mean by that,
is whether there are expectations you've put on yourself,
or you felt expectations from the outside world,
or from family, or cultural expectations.
If it's not a fit for you right now,
if that's not where you're at in your journey,
put it on the shelf and let that be okay.
- I once read this book called "Tuesdays with Morrie,"
and into...
If you haven't read it,
fantastic book.
But it's about an old man who's got a terminal disease.
He's dying from a terminal disease.
And one of his students...
The man was a college professor.
One of his former students,
who's now a successful sports writer comes to visit him,
and learns lessons from a dying man.
And one of the things he learns is that,
we've got a culture that is toxic,
that teaches us to hate ourselves.
And one thing you have to learn is that,
if the culture doesn't work for you,
you can tell it to go to hell.
You know, you can tell that culture
this doesn't work for me,
I'm going to do something that is affirming,
I'm going to do something that gives me purpose.
And I think a lot of times what happens
when we talk about self judgment,
and we talk about eliminating the shoulds,
is we often surround ourselves with toxic people, right?
Oftentimes there are abusers.
And so we have people telling us we're trash,
people telling us we're worthless.
People, gas lighting us and telling us that,
we can't trust our own judgment,
or our own sanity and to only trust in them.
And what we started to get all these voices.
And one thing I hear all the time
from clients who've been abused,
and who believe that they're worthless is,
I've heard it from so many people now.
It must be true.
Like there's a chorus of voices.
And I always tell them like,
Let's say, you're a black man,
and you go to like some really
backwoods part of the country,
you may not be treated with a lot of respect.
- Right.
- Because of some of the notions of those areas, right?
But what happens if you go to an area
with a lot of black people?
They're going to treat you like one of their own, right?
You're gonna be treated like a brother,
like a member of the community.
And you're the same person.
Nothing's changed about you,
it's all about who you surround yourself with.
And one of the biggest, most important things to do,
is to surround yourself,
with people who are loving,
people who are affirming,
people who are respectful,
because they're going to help you to see yourself
in a different light.
And ultimately, that's what it comes down to.
And these are supporting roles,
but you have to learn to trust your own voice, right?
- Yeah.
Well, and creating that community of support, and love.
And recognizing if you are a human being,
walking around on this earth,
that you have value.
And I strongly believe that, that value is a niche.
You brought it with you.
And so if you are here, you have value,
and you have gifts, and you have things to offer the world.
And if you have a community around you
that's not supporting you in that message,
get a new community.
Because they're out there.
- Yeah.
- That's important.
- Like that's the assumption.
Like I'm broken,
because my community is telling me that.
No, like you may be in a broken community,
find something else.
Find a new social circle.
But ultimately those are all supporting players, right?
It's ultimately about trusting in your own voice.
These people can help you to do that,
but it's really about,
no matter what people around you are saying,
you know who you are.
- Yeah, and recognizing you have a voice,
and using it.
What we talked about in video two,
of how trauma affects you,
and that it literally affects your brain
and your nervous system.
There's been interesting studies done.
Where let's say you experienced a trauma,
but you were able to then get away
from that traumatic experience.
You were able to run away.
Those individuals,
have a much easier time healing from that trauma,
versus someone that wasn't able to physically get away.
And so their brain interprets that as,
I can't get away,
I don't have a choice.
So for example, like if you were in a car accident,
and you were stuck, you know, in the car,
like that's a trauma, you can't get away from.
If you experienced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
in your childhood.
And that was a primary caregiver,
like that's an abuse you can't get away from.
And so not even recognizing it,
subconsciously, you believe you don't have a choice
and you don't have a voice.
And so literally just recognizing your ability to choose,
you have a right to choose,
and then using your voice,
to express that choice is huge.
- Yeah.
To express that choice,
and to express everything that's going on here and here,
right?
- Yeah.
- I mean, so often in abusive relationships,
that's all suppressed.
You're not allowed to speak,
or if you you're to speak,
you need to say what pleases your abuser.
Otherwise you're punished for it.
And so actually...
- What's safe and acceptable.
- Exactly.
- And I know in therapy, a lot of people,
maybe they've never cursed before,
and now they find a lot of therapeutic value in cursing,
or things like that word.
They're just having a release,
that they never got to have.
Now what other types of releases do people need?
And so there's a literal voice, right?
There's an actual literal speaking voice,
but that's not the only voice have.
- Yeah.
So creative self-expression, is huge.
And going back to how trauma affects your brain,
and your nervous system,
there's a part of your brain that shuts down,
in the focus to keep yourself safe.
And it's the part of your brain,
that helps you imagine,
helps you create,
helps you play, and hope, and dream.
That gets shut down.
And so one of the ways to engage
that part of your brain again,
and also to help you find that voice
and express that voice,
is a form of creative self-expression.
So it could be through art,
it could be through photography,
dance, you know, really anything
that brings out that creative self-expression.
And it's not so much about you being an artist,
or a dancer, or an amazing photographer
- Right, you don't need to sell it,
you don't need to put it in a museum,
it's about the release,
it's about the expression,
and it can keep you going, right?
One of my favorite films is called "Life is Beautiful."
And if you've never seen it,
it's about a husband and a wife, and a son,
and they're separated the husband, and the son,
and the mother, they're separated
in the concentration camps in world war II.
And it's about how the father uses humor
and creativity to keep him in his son alive.
And literally to keep them alive
with intense trauma going on all around them.
It's a beautiful, beautiful film.
But there's truth there, you know?
And so often we find through poetry...
Even if you write a poem,
and a publisher might not think much of it.
- Right.
- If your heart's in it,
then you're seizing control of your voice.
If you do a painting, right?
And it's actually getting things out,
it may or may not blow people's minds,
but it can save you.
It can be a release for you.
- Yeah.
- Now that makes me think,
some of these are therapeutic techniques, right?
People work through these types of things,
using our artistic expression,
things like that in therapy.
But one of the most important things you can do,
is find a trauma trained, trauma experienced counselor.
Because all therapists are not created equal.
Not only are they not all created equal,
we have areas of specialty.
- Right,
And if you're working with somebody whose focus,
and whose specialty is not in trauma,
they may mean well,
and they may give you their very best effort.
They may care deeply about you,
but they can be a net neutral,
like they might not move the needle,
to help you heal,
or they can actually do harm,
unintended harm because they don't know what they're doing.
It is so important to get with a therapist,
who knows how to deal in trauma,
how to treat trauma specifically.
And that therapist is going to help you
to learn to trust yourself,
to listen to your own thoughts, your own needs.
And why is that so important to really listen to yourself?
'Cause we've been talking right,
about working with a therapist who's qualified,
and building a community,
surrounding yourself with people who can help.
But at the end of the day,
it's your own voice you need to listen to.
- Right.
Well, and that trust in yourself,
and that trust in others is broken,
through trauma experiences.
- Yeah.
So you're going to need to learn,
how to trust yourself again,
and how to trust other people.
And what does trust even look like?
And so those are tools that you're going to need to learn.
And without fail, to trust your gut,
you know, if you going back to finding
a trauma informed therapist,
if it doesn't feel like a fit,
you know give it a couple times,
it's going to be uncomfortable,
there's going to be aspects you don't enjoy.
- Right, your gut may say,
"I don't want to do therapy period."
- No period.
No thank you.
But if it's not a fit,
if this person isn't giving you what you need,
trust that,
and keep looking, until you find someone that does.
- And the worst thing you can do
is worry about your therapist's feelings.
Like I don't wanna...
I've had people that don't want to break up
with their therapist,
because like,
"Oh, but they're working so hard to help me."
It's like any quality therapist is going to say,
"Hey, if I'm not a fit,
I want to make sure you get the help that you need."
That is the single most important thing.
When it comes to trusting your own voice,
trusting your own needs.
A lot of times, I think people want to outsource that,
because they believe my voice isn't worth listening to.
Or I make all these terrible decisions,
so why should I trust my own voice, my own judgment.
And the biggest reason why,
is because you are the person who creates your reality.
Now, one of my...
And that might sound out of sync
with what people have experienced.
Well, I didn't create the abuse, right?
No, we don't create what happens to us,
but we do create how to respond to it.
We do create what it means.
I know I keep coming back to the Holocaust
for some reason today,
but I guess that's the most traumatic thing I can think of.
There's this fantastic book is called
"Man's Search For Meaning"
written by Viktor Frankl.
I know you're a fan.
But he essentially talks about,
in the concentration camps,
the Nazis could take away our families, our homes,
they could even take away our lives.
But the one thing that they couldn't take away,
is how we responded to what happened to us, right?
How we chose to see our circumstances.
And he talked about how the people who were so hyper-focused
on their own survival,
were usually the people who didn't survive.
But the people who were focused on,
"I'm going to be a person of integrity."
If I'm starving, you're probably starting too,
and I'm going to share my rations with you.
And when the guards aren't around,
we're gonna sing our songs,
we're gonna keep our culture alive,
we're gonna play our games.
We're gonna tell our stories.
We're going to do these things,
so that it still feels like life.
- We're going to give our lives meaning,
even though these barbaric individuals,
are trying to take our meaning,
and our worth away.
- And to completely crush us, right?
Tell us that we are worthless,
and to get us to believe it.
'Cause it's not just about killing us,
it's about breaking our spirits.
And it makes me think of one of my favorite forms of therapy
is called narrative therapy.
And the idea behind narrative therapy is,
we don't control everything that's happened in our story
and in our history,
but we can determine what it means, right?
And that's something Viktor Frankl talks about in that book
"Man's Search for Meaning"
is that,
we determine the meaning of what happens to us.
I could see myself as a victim,
I could see my world as unsafe,
I could see myself unprepared for the next
horrible thing that happens to me.
And I can live in fear.
Or with the same history,
with the same abuse, like what happened happened.
I can say, well, what this story means,
is I'm a survivor,
I'm an advocate for other people who are suffering.
I'm going to learn how to be there for them.
I'm going to be prepared,
and I'm going to empower myself
so that no one can ever do this to me again, right?
Same history, completely new meaning.
- Right.
- And that I think is incredibly powerful.
And doing all of that mental and emotional work,
can also be tiring as heck.
- Absolutely.
So when you are exhausted,
and it's going to happen,
and it's going to happen a lot,
rest.
It is so important to take those times,
those moments, those days,
and recognize when you need to rest.
And this isn't like,
this list isn't a one and done sort of thing, right?
Because you might often compare yourself,
to who you were before the trauma.
or maybe what you're the person next door is doing.
And "Oh, they can do so much more.
I shouldn't be tired,
I shouldn't be this,
I should be that."
- Yeah.
- Circle back to the list,
give yourself compassion.
Like go over the shirts,
put things on the show,
and allow yourself to be and to rest.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's a marathon, not a sprint.
- Absolutely. - Right?
And I think it's,
we need to give ourselves permission to be human.
And sometimes giving your best means,
I'm going to try again tomorrow.
- Absolutely.
And recognize in this whole process,
that like we said at the beginning,
or like I said at the beginning,
your foundation was shattered,
and you're in the process of rebuilding that foundation,
and allow that journey to happen.
Thank you so much for being a part of this discussion.
And we look forward to talking to you again.
And if there's any videos,
that you would like to see,
or any questions you have,
regarding anything we talked about
with the healing from trauma,
or if you'd like us to do a video on a certain aspect of it,
comment below
- We here at Mended Light,
we're committed to helping you have the life
that you want to have,
and to be the you that you want to be.
And so for more of this content,
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because we're here to help.
- And thank you so much for being with us today.
Remember to keep shining.
We need your life.
(upbeat music)