Hoovering is a tactic used by many narcissists to attempt to get back with their partner.
They use different techniques such as reminiscing about old times, faking health scares, or showing up unannounced to surprise the victim.
These techniques can work on the right victim and can lure them right back into the trap.
The bigger question to ask here is, "why does the narcissist feel the need to lure the victim back in instead of just finding a new one?" Well, that is a great question.
The most common age range of narcissism is between 19 to 40 years old. This age is very self-centered and usually the one at which the most hoovering takes place.
That being said, hoovering can happen for many other reasons, but usually not because they simply miss their partner.
So if your ex is hoovering you or you know someone doing the hoovering, please watch this video for some sad reasons that a person might hoover someone else. You may be surprised by what you learn!
Number 1: Pride.
"Sorry, I just think it’s best for both of us if I stay away from you from now on." Ouch! That can really hurt someone's pride.
That can really hurt someone's pride. Pride is a big reason why the narcissist is hoovering you after no contact.
If you completely cut ties with them after giving them the break up speech, their pride will be hurt more than anything else and their attempt to get you back is more for their sake than yours.
Their feelings have been hurt and they will not allow that.
They see you as having the upper hand in the situation and that is also not allowed. They see getting you back as a goal and a way to boost their self-esteem.
While most people would try to find ways to boost their self-esteem by doing things they enjoy such as working out, buying a new wardrobe, or getting into a new hobby, narcissists will hoover to ease their hurt pride.
They want to prove to you and themselves that they can get you to speak to them after no contact. It's more of a game to them.
Pride can ruin almost any relationship. It is one of the many reasons for the victim running from the relationship.
Number 2: Rejection.
One thing a narcissist hates more than anything is rejection. The mere act of rejecting a narcissist can send them into a downward spiral.
They will feel out of control of a situation if this happens. If you reject them and then decide on cold-turkey no contact, then the narcissist will feel the need to hoover more.
This may make them show up at your work or house to try to win you back.
A narcissist hoovering after no contact is usually very persistent and charming. When they are pushed away and told they are no longer wanted, that will make them want to fill that void even more.
When the narcissist hoovers, they may use guilt trips. In a non-aggressive way, they will turn it around on the other person and try to convince them that they are the reason for the relationship failing.
They will also mention how rejected they felt and how hurt, but they are willing to forgive the other person and move on from the situation.
With the right victim, this can truly work and the victim is sucked back into the toxic relationship.
The narcissist realizes the cycle is back again, and will then continue to mentally abuse the victim. The victim will not even realize after a certain point that it is a vicious cycle that usually takes outside help to break out of.
This does not mean all victims do not realize it on their own, but about 60 million people are affected by narcissistic abuse, and only a small number leave on their own.
Number 3: The victim is moving on.
What hurts more than anything is seeing your ex with someone else. This can tie into the point we made earlier about pride.
It can really hurt someone's pride watching their loved one fall in love with someone else. The narcissist may begin hoovering if they feel their partner is permanently detaching themselves from them.
If you decide to move on from your old toxic relationship and start something new, the narcissist will feel like they have lost and they will begin hoovering after no contact.
They may try showing up at your home or sending you pictures of old times when you two were happy to make you start remembering how you felt when you were with them at that time.
They may even begin to apologize for hurting you. They will do this to seem like they are better than your new partner.
This will show the victim that they are willing to apologize for their mistakes because they know that is exactly what the victim wants to hear.
This hoovering tactic is widely used and sometimes very effective for the narcissist to get what they want. They may see it as a romantic gesture and believe the victim will appreciate it, and the victim may see it that way or interpret it as harassment. It depends on the victim and their perception of the relationship.
The narcissist also knows that if they continuously butt into their ex’s new relationship, their significant other might get tired of it and leave their ex, making them feel rejected and alone and maybe even receptive to the narcissist’s wishes. By the way, make sure to subscribe if you've learned something new today.
Number 4: Control.
When a narcissist gets dumped, they see it as a loss of control. They do not appreciate giving up their role as the controller and becoming the submissive one instead.
Their need to be in control usually stems from childhood abuse and trauma, or from entitlement developed as a child.
A narcissist hoovering after no contact is usually out of control over the situation. The victim feels empowered and feels in control by giving the narcissist the no-contact rule, but little do they know that most narcissists are stubborn.
A narcissist hoovering is looking to control the emotions of the victim and the emotional aspect of the whole relationship.
It isn't about the victim’s happiness, but whether or not they can emotionally control them enough to feel a sense of happiness and keep them entrapped in their web.
The narcissist wants the victim to feel like their life is chaotic without them, that the narcissist is the glue that holds their emotional and physical wellbeing together.
Number 5: Loneliness.
A narcissist definitely does not enjoy being lonely.
They usually prefer another person around to distract themselves from their own problems. They do not like the idea of having to face themselves or coming to terms with who they are or how they treat others.
When a person finally sits down and spends time by themselves, they begin to reflect on who they are. A narcissist wants to do everything they can to avoid facing the harsh reality.
A hoovering narcissist attempts to lure the victim back in because they don't want to face themselves. So they project their harsh feelings onto someone else.
A narcissist, usually from a young age, always had someone around even if they were good to the narcissist or not.
Whether they were abused or not, they were used to someone's company. This reflects in their reasoning for hoovering.
They will hoover and lure the victim back in because they need to have someone around. They need to feel the presence of another person.
And just like their upbringing (if it happened to be abusive), they don't care about the person they are attempting to keep around, only that they are there. They prefer a person they are accustomed to, someone who knows their ins and outs.
If the victim establishes no-contact after the breakup, the sheer fact of sitting alone can drive them to begin hoovering the victim till they are entangled in their web again.
Number 6: They see the relationship failing.
No contact does not always mean that the relationship has officially ended.
When the victim has not officially called off the relationship but has put a pause on communication with the narcissist, it can cause them to start hoovering.
Hoovering can happen when the relationship is still on, which will be the narcissist's attempt to keep the relationship going.
The hoovering narcissist will bring up happier times, do small gestures that the victim finds romantic, continually call and text to make their presence felt, and even fake health scares to guilt them back into the relationship full-time.
When the narcissist can see the relationship is hanging by a thread and the victim slowly pulling away, starting with no contact, they see that they have lost control and power.
This will upset them and they will hold on longer and hoover more till the victim understands the importance of the relationship. This goes back into the rejection and control mentioned previously.
The narcissist hoovering is only hoovering to regain control. Their need for control is what causes the narcissist to push forward and hoover more and more.
The victim will not even see it as hoovering most of the time, but as the narcissist learning the error of their ways and attempting to win back their love.
They don't see that the relationship will go back to its old ways once the narcissist has the victim back in their grip.
And if you liked this video then check out these related videos to see more.
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