This episode of Sexplanations is brought to you by 23andMe
a personal genetic analysis company created to help
people understand their DNA.
Imagine, for a moment, that sexual orientation is on a plane.
A spectrum of homosexuality,
asexuality, bi, pan and, on this end, heterosexuality.
Then imagine that gender identity is another plane.
Male, gender queer, agender, trans, female, etc.
Lots of people know where their planes line up,
which star in the universe they are, so to speak.
I, for example, might be here
and your favourite aunt is here
and this is your school principal
and your best friend, all situated in our spots.
Then there are the people who don't know.
They move around
or they're hesitant to define themselves
for whatever reason.
People who might call themselves questioning.
It's the second Q in the initials of LGBTIQ2AK (LGBT+)
Questioning can be a process or a position
where the person is curious or uncertain
about their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.
For example: they may wonder "Am I gay?"
"Am I trans?" "Do I even like sex?"
"Do I care about labels?"
Psychoanalysist Eric Erickson theorized that we all
go through some sort of questioning in adolescence.
A stage of psycho-social development
called identity vs identity confusion.
We try to figure out who we are and who we can be
with consideration for society's expectations.
Dr. Richard Reems has an excellent guidebook on the subject.
In it, he outlines some of the reasons people continue
questioning their identity past puberty
or revisit it later in life.
I've paraphrased them.
I asked someone who identifies as questioning
and currently uses female pronouns
when she realized she was questioning.
She told me she'd been seeing guys for many years
but felt sexually attracted to women,
so she went to a support group for young lesbians and
said "I think I'm bisexual."
She wasn't sure what she was
and she was hoping they would give her clarity.
Instead, she was told that her bisexuality wasn't real
and that she could only be straight or gay.
Which is not true for bisexuality
but is also not true for questioning.
You don't have to be one or the other
and you don't have to know!
Over the years this person worried about sharing her
questioning identity with others
because of this experience.
She expressed fear of what her family and employers
would think, fear of appearing confused or indecisive,
of not being queer enough, of abusing straight privilege
fear of attaching a label that doesn't quite fit
and then go through the trouble of
redefining an everchanging self.
I asked what questioning her sexual orientation was like
and she said If I'm mostly sexually attracted to women
but have only had long term relationships with men
What do I call myself?
Is it enough to have fantasies about all genders?
Attraction to all genders?
Or do I have to sleep with them, too?
How many times do I have to think about something
or feel something in order to know?
I've identified as bisexual, pansexual and queer before
but they don't feel accurate - I just know I'm not straight
and I'm still learning about myself.
I asked what questions she had about gender identity.
How much does my orientation questioning
relate to my gender questioning?
How does anyone know if they're cisgender?!
If I feel more masculine than a feminine male
am I a masculine female or an entirely different gender?
If I fantasize about having a penis while masturbating
does that mean I should present as male?
Get a strap on?
Should I get my breasts enlarged to be more feminine
or reduced to be more masculine?
because I've seriously considered both!
Could I pass as male?
When I dress feminine, I feel like I'm wearing a girl costume.
It's fun, but not who I am.
Is it normal to feel like you're wearing a costume
when you're dressing as a gender stereotype?
What would my chromosomes tell me?
She told me that she yearns for an
exact and quantifiable measurement of what she is.
That she feels like she should have a stance or clarity
but she doesn't - she's questioning.
Some people don't understand how you could question
something like your sexuality or gender
they know how they identify.
Questioning doesn't necessarily mean not knowing
the answer - it means questioning whether or not
there is only one answer
or knowing that the answer will change.
You can gather as much information
and take as much time as you like.
You don't ever have to have an answer!
There are many resources to feel supported
in a questioning identity just as you are
without expectation to know or figure out anything.
Therapy, healthy support groups,
online forums and hotlines.
The Trevor project and advocacy resource
has a chat feature you can use
which includes questioning as both gender
and sexual orientation options.
And YouTube is filled with stories of people questioning
lots of life! I've linked to sexual and gender identity
videos in the description.
Please know that if you're questioning anything
in your life, it's okay!
It means you're a really inquisitive person
and it's in your very nature to stay curious.
[Advertising for 23andMe]