Prepare for trouble, and make it triple.
Because this week, it's a Pokemon battle, round one.
[Game Theory theme plays]
Hello Internet, welcome to Game Theory,
the Rare Candy of your web video experience.
Let's face it, Pokemon is an adorable game.
Around the age of ten, trainers recieve a cute starter animal that becomes their best friend while they
travel the countryside to meet new people, engage in fun tournaments, and add to their animal collection.
What's not to like?
A lot, considering that the series has been attacked on all sides, by practically every institution imaginable.
Creationist groups claim it's brainwashing our children into believing evolution,
and that the Pokerap contains satanic messages.
Parent groups say that it teaches violence and brutality towards animals.
Ethnic groups have said that the games embrace racial stereotypes, and are pro-Nazi.
And wildest of all, two nine-year-old boys sued Nintendo, because they claimed that Pokemon
caused their problematic gambling addiction.
Geez!
Calm down people, it's just a kids' game!
Or is it?
Because there's so much ground to cover, we're dedicating three episodes to uncovering the truth behind
the supposed evil of the Pokemon universe.
This week, we're taking on evolution.
Do creationists have a case here, is this game brainwashing our children into thinking that we are
the descendants of apes?
And when we start belting out, 'I wanna be the very best,' are we actually singing our praises
to the Underlord?
Get your openers ready, because we've got a can of worms with our name on it.
The Creationist-Evolution debate is no small issue.
Polls over the last five years have consistently shown that about 40% of Americans believe in Creationism,
or the theory that God created humans on earth within the last 10,000 years.
But that doesn't necessarily mean that the other 60% believe in evolution, oh no.
These same polls have shown that, at most, Evolutionists make up another 40%,
leaving about 20% undecided.
For example, of the 51 contestants competing in this year's Miss USA pageant, only two unequivocally
supported Darwin's origin of the species, which means Charmander would be flipping a big middle finger
to a huge proportion of Americans.
...If he actually had a middle finger.
To see if these Creationist claims have any legs to stand on, we need to first understand Darwin's theory.
Evolution is defined as the change over time in the inherited traits found within a population.
Certain inherited traits make a creature better equipped to survive, which means they'll produce more offspring
than those individuals without that trait.
And just by looking at the definition, we've already debunked the Creationist argument.
When a Pokemon evolves in a game, it's a single Pokemon changing forms in that moment,
not across generations.
A Zubat's mouth hanging open isn't transferring from parent to offspring generation after generation
until one day you have a Golbat with a giant yapper.
In fact, Pokemon evolution doesn't involve mating at all.
A Nidoqueen and Nidoking exercising their 'royal duty' results in a Nidoran, not another Nidoking.
If anything, Pokemon evolution involves a rock. Figure that one out.
So all in all, Creationists should be complaining that Pokemon is misinforming our children about
the process of descent with modification.
To further prove the point, evolution in the real world is the passing of traits that make a living creature
more fit to survive and reproduce.
However, many of the changes that happen in Pokemon evolutions are just useless,
making these guys look like they took a dip in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Take for instance, Voltorb's colors switching halves when he evolves into an Electrode.
No survival advantage there.
Or, how about Generation 5's Litwick, evolving into a Chandelure?
Great, my candle Polemon evolved into a Chandelier Pokemon. A lot of help that's gonna do him in the wild.
But even worse are the evolutions that would make a character less likely to survive.
Take for instance, Lickitung evolving to... Lickilicky.
He becomes fatter, rendering his already pathetic arms even more useless.
His 6 foot, 6 inch tongue becomes shorter, and he has that anime monkey turd on his head.
Where Lickitung was odd but functional, this guy is just a loser, practically begging the Machamps to give him a swirly.
Based on that thing on his head, he's probably already gotten a few.
But then there's the worst offenders of all:
Vanillite, Vanillish, and Vanilluxe.
Not only is it a stupid design; in my book, the more ice cream, the better.
So each evolution just makes me more likely to eat your frosty ass.
A double-scoop cone with a flake wafer to boot? Sorry, you're not a Pokemon, you're a dessert.
Get in my belly!!
So, if it's not evolution, what is it?
Well, for most Pokemon, it could be considered metamorphosis, or an abrupt change in an animal's
behavior and body structure.
For example, a Weedle turns into a Kakuna and Beedrill, in the same way a caterpillar becomes a chrysalis
and then a butterfly.
This is called Holometabolous, or 'complete' metamorphosis, because the immature larval stages
look extremely different from the adult form.
Compare that to hemimetabolous, or incomplete metamorphosis, where the immature stage called the
'nymph' looks similar to the adult, but is smaller and lacks in certain features, like wings, or sexual organs.
Evolutions like Paras to Parasect and Scyther to Scizor would fit into this category.
And metamorphosis isn't just limited to insects.
In real life, the process takes place in amphibians, crustaceans, and even some fish.
So the Poliwags evolving into Politoeds are just mirroring the real-world complete
metamorphosis of tadpoles to frogs.
Magcargo, Shellder, the list could go on and on.
It's even been theorized that plants may undergo a type of metamorphosis, too.
And evolutions like Burmy to Wormadam are actually experiencing a type of hyper metamorphosis,
where there are multiple, very distinct larval stages.
As far as the other types are concerned,
Ghosts are able to change shape anyway so there's no big concern there.
And... robotic evolution for the likes of Magnetite and Magnezone, I refer you to the episode,
'A Clockwork Origin' of Futurama. It's Instant Play on Netflix, you know what to do.
All that leaves out are your mammal Pokemon, like Mankey and Teddiursa, where the best science can say
is... growth spurt?
In other words, puberty meets Pikachu!
So, evolution is off the table. But what about the Pokerap's 'satanic messages'?
They say that if you play the Pokerap backwards, the phrase 'Gotta Catch 'em All' translates to 'I Love Satan.'
An odd claim, considering that in order to say, 'I love Satan,' you need an 'S' sound, which unless you have a
really bad speech impediment where you hiss every time you pronounce a 'C-H' sound, it ain't gonna happen.
In fact, none of the sounds in 'I love Satan' appear in 'Gotta Catch 'em All.'
Yeah, I really hear a 'v' sound in there.
But, to be fair, let's listen to it anyway.
[Pokerap playing]
[Pokerap playing backwards]
Well, of course it sounds like the chorus from H-E-double-hockey-sticks,
it's human speech played backwards.
But a satanic message, no.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to say ten 'Hail Mary's to atone for saying 'I love Satan' so many times.
All in all, we've seen today that Pokemon is pro-science or anti-God.
It just skipped seventh-grade biology and has a catchy theme song.
So that's one attacker down, and two to go.
Join us next time as we take up the flag of animal rights activism, to see who the biggest threat is in the
Pokemon universe:
The trainers, or the villainous teams you battle?
It's a multi-part series, so make sure you catch 'em all, because right now, you only have one-third of the theory.
The Game Theory!
Thanks for watching.