JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"!
GIVE IT UP, BABY!
BEAUTIFUL!
( SINGING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK.
JON, DEAR FRIEND OF THE SHOW WHOOPI GOLDBERG IS GOING TO BE
HERE IN JUST A MINUTE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WANT TO TALK TO THIS GUY FOR A
WHILE.
CONGRESSMAN RO KHANNA, FROM SILICON VALLEY, HAS A NEW BOOK
CALLED "DIGNITY IN A DIGITAL AGE."
ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT YOUR PRIVACY AT ALL?
>> YOU KNOW, THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG.
OUR INFORMATION IS OUT THERE.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S LEFT.
I GOT ALEXA AND SIRI IN MY HOUSE.
I'VE GOT BOTH THOSE THINGS.
>> Jon: AND I BELIEVE THEY'RE ALL SPYING ON US.
>> Stephen: HOW COULD THEY NOT BE?
THEY WOULDN'T HEAR US SAY, HEY, SIRI AND ALEXA.
NOW PEOPLE'S ALEXAS ARE WAKING UP ALL OVER THE UNITED STATES.
>> Jon: EVEN AFTER YOU LOOK ON YOUR PHONE AFTER YOU'VE HAD A
CONVERSATION, YOU WILL SEE THINGS THAT POP UP THAT WERE A
PART OF YOUR CONVERSATION.
>> Stephen: AND THEY'LL GO, HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY THE
THING YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT?
>> Jon: HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS TALKING ABOUT THAT?
>> Stephen: AND SIRI GOES, HOW DID I KNOW YOU WERE TALKING
ABOUT THAT, JON?
HERE ARE NAMES OF SOME THERAPISTS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT
OF TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE CAREFULLY PLANTING AND TENDING
TO THE DAY'S BIGGEST, MOST IMPORTANT STORIES, TRIMMING
THE TOPICAL HEDGES WITH DELICATE EXACTITUDE, RESEARCHING AND
SEEDING THE SOIL OF TODAY'S NEWS IN ORDER TO YIELD THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL, FRAGRANT JOKE FLOWERS, AND PRECISELY TIMING
THE BLOOM IN THE EXQUISITE ENGLISH GARDEN THAT IS MY
NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I DRIVE A 2003 PONTIAC SUNFIRE THROUGH THE HOME
DEPOT GARDEN CENTER, DOWN A JUG OF MIRACLE GRO, SMEAR MY BODY IN
MUD AND PEA GRAVEL, BUILD A FORT OUT OF PAVERS, PLOP A SUCCULENT
DISH GARDEN ON MY HEAD, AND BARRICADE MYSELF INSIDE A
PORTABLE TOOL SHED TO CREATE THE PARANOID BACKYARD STANDOFF OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: ♪♪
♪♪ MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, LAST NIGHT WAS ROUGH
FOR JETBLUE PASSENGERS AT J.F.K., AS THE AIRLINE IS STILL
CATCHING UP FROM THE WEEKEND STORM.
APPARENTLY, SO MANY JETBLUE PASSENGERS WERE STUCK ON PLANES
FOR SO LONG, IT "CAUSED SOME PEOPLE TO ALLEGEDLY
URINATE IN THEIR SEATS AND SUFFER PANIC
ATTACKS."
SO... A REGULAR FLIGHT ON SPIRIT.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT JOKE'S BASED ON A TRUE
STORY.
MEANWHILE, IN SOUTH DAKOTA "A POLICE OFFICER COMPLETED A
DOORDASH ORDER AFTER ARRESTING THE DELIVERY DRIVER."
( LAUGHTER ) THE DOORDASH DRIVER HAD AN
OUTSTANDING WARRANT, SO THE CUSTOMER ANSWERED THE DOOR TO
FIND SIOUX FALLS OFFICER SAM BUHR WITH HER FOOD:
>> "I KNOW I'M NOT WHO YOU WERE EXPECTING.
YOUR DRIVER GOT ARRESTED FOR SOME THINGS HE HAD TO TAKE CARE
OF.
SO I FIGURED I'D COMPLETE THE DOORDASH FOR YA.
>> THANK YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU,
OFFICER!
PROTECT AND SERVE!
>> Jon: COME ON, COME ON.
>> STEPHEN: SO WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THE DRIVER
DID, BUT IT MUST HAVE BEEN SERIOUS BECAUSE WHILE WAITING,
THE APP TRACKER SAID "YOUR JALAPENO BACON
CHICKEN WRAP WILL ARRIVE IN 15-20 YEARS."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN DRUG-RELATED NEWS
"MARIJUANA USE MAY CAUSE COGNITIVE IMPAIRMENT EVEN WHEN
NOT STILL HIGH."
RESEARCH FINDS THAT MANY OF THE LEARNING AND MEMORY PROBLEMS
CAUSED BY CANNABIS CONSUMPTION CAN LINGER FOR WEEKS.
BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT IF YOU'RE HIGH RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE
YOU WON'T REMEMBER IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IF YOU'RE WORRIED YOU WERE BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND TOO
MUCH ABOUT THE WORLD, GOOD NEWS: THERE'S A PLAN TO PUT BITCOIN IN
MOUSE DNA WITH A GENETICALLY ENGINEERED VIRUS.
OK.
HERE'S "THE PLAN."
AS YOU MAY KNOW, A BITCOIN WALLET CAN ONLY BE ACCESSED
USING ITS PRIVATE KEY.
SO THEY WILL BUY SOME BITCOIN THEN TIE THE MOUSE'S VALUE TO
THAT BITCOIN BY EDITING THE MOUSE'S GENETIC CODE TO CARRY
THE PRIVATE KEY THAT CONTROLS THE BITCOINS.
THIS MANIPULATION WILL RESULT IN GENETICALLY ENGINEERING THE
WORLD'S FIRST DOUCHEMOUSE.
( LAUGHTER ) LONG WALK FOR A LITTLE MOUSE.
THROUGH THE MAZE, THROUGH THE MAZE.
MEANWHILE, IN ICELAND, YEARS AFTER EVERY MCDONALD'S IN THE
COUNTRY SHUT DOWN IN 2009 THEIR LAST BIG MAC IS BEING
PRESERVED AS A HISTORICAL ARTIFACT.
AND JUST LOOK AT THIS THING!
THAT'S FROM 2009!
YOU GOTTA QUESTION YOUR FOOD CHOICE WHEN YOU CAN LOOK AT IT
13 YEARS LATER AND SAY "YOU'RE JUST AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE
DAY I MET YOU."
APPARENTLY, THIS HISTORIC BURGER WAS PURCHASED BY AN ICELANDER
NAMED JORSTUR SMARASON ONE DAY BEFORE THE LOCATIONS CLOSED,
THEN, THREE YEARS LATER, SMARASON FOUND IN HIS GARAGE A
PAIR OF OLD, MICE-CHEWED ROLLER BLADES, TOOLS, BOXES, AND
AN UNTOUCHED BAG OF FOOD FROM MCDONALD'S.
SO TO RECAP.
MICE FOUND A BAG OF MCDONALD'S AND SAID "Y'KNOW WHAT? I'D
RATHER EAT THE ROLLER BLADES.
( APPLAUSE ) DEEP FRIED ROLLERBLADE?
DOES EXPLAIN WHY FROM "I'M LOVIN' IT" TO
"RECOGNIZED AS FOOD BY AT LEAST ONE SPECIES!"
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WHOOPI GOLDBERG!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )