-Thank you very much, everybody. Welcome.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, it's been a pretty epic 24 hours.
Joe Biden was certified as our next president.
Several --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Several staffers have resigned from the White House.
Trump's social media accounts were banned.
And yet, compared to yesterday, it's a slow news day.
[ Laughter ]
I'm still trying to process everything.
Did anyone else have a tough time calming down last night?
It wasn't easy falling asleep.
I tried listening to my mediation app,
but the guy leading the session was just chanting,
"25th Amendment, 25th Amendment."
[ Laughter ]
Honestly, don't you just wish
we could go back to the good old days,
where all we had to worry about was a global pandemic
and murder hornets?
2021 feels like the end of a "Scooby-Doo" episode
where we pull off its mask to reveal
it's been 2020 all along.
It's like...
[ Laughter ]
God, I miss 2020.
Things are so crazy.
Today, Mexico was like, "If you need a wall around your Capitol,
we'll pay for it."
Meanwhile, some of the rioters claimed
they didn't realize that they were trespassing.
Sadly, not many people were charged
because the police said it was "all white."
[ Audience groans ]
I think if there's anything to be learned from yesterday,
it's that Merrick Garland can't have one fun day.
I mean, first, his Supreme Court nomination gets blocked,
then he gets a new job, and a riot happens.
Seriously, what did this guy do in a previous life,
kick over strollers?
Anyway, late last night, Congress reconvened
and completed the certification of the Electoral College votes.
[ Applause ]
Yeah.
And all jokes aside,
I thought it was so cool that Congress came back
and didn't let those losers win.
I thought it was a pretty powerful message to send.
But because of all the chaos,
Pence officially affirmed Biden's victory
at 3:45 in the morning.
Yep. After the win was certified,
Biden was like, "Gee, thanks.
Can't wait to take over this paradise."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Congress worked through the night
and confirmed Biden's victory around 4:00 a.m.
Yeah, we recognized the election
of the world's most powerful person
when cable channels were showing infomercials.
Pence was like, "I hereby declare Joe Biden as the winner.
And now, stay tuned for an infomercial
for Marie Osmond's BodyGym."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
"You don't even feel like you're sweating."
Today, for the first time,
President Trump finally acknowledged
that there will be an orderly transition of power
on January 20th.
When Trump says there will be an orderly transition,
he means an orderly is gonna have to drag him out the front door.
[ Laughter, applause ]
"Get him out of here!"
The reason one of Trump's aides tweeted that message for him
is because the President was banned
from all of his social media accounts,
including Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and even Snapchat.
In other news, guess who doesn't want to ban TikTok anymore?
[ Laughter ]
Love TikTok.
Without Twitter, it was pretty embarrassing for Trump.
He was walking around the West Wing
with a piece of paper and a heart stamp,
yelling, "Like this! Like this! Like this!
Like this! Like this!"
Since yesterday's riot,
resignations have poured in at the White House,
and sources expect they'll keep coming.
Although, resigning with two weeks left
feels less like some moral stand
and more like leaving early to beat traffic.
[ Laughter ]
My question is, how do you put in your two weeks' notice
when your job ends in less than two weeks?
I read that, according to his closest allies,
Trump is, quote, "mentally unreachable,"
while another source believes
the President is "out of his mind."
If any more news from 2016 breaks throughout the night,
we'll be sure to keep you updated.
How do you look at four years of Trump and just now are like,
"I'm starting to think this guy is nuts"?
[ Laughter ]
"You guys catching a vibe?"
Today, both Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi
called for Pence to pursue the 25th Amendment
and remove Trump from office.
If that happened, we'd have three presidents in 13 days.
I love the idea of changing presidents like movie Batmans.
[ Laughter ]
Let's get to some lighter news.
I saw that Discovery has confirmed
the "Puppy Bowl" will go on as scheduled this year.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Phew," said absolutely no one.
The "Puppy" --
The "Puppy Bowl" is the one event
that brings every American together to think, "Why?"
And finally, in New Jersey,
police responded to a McDonald's parking lot,
where chickens were chasing customers
and wreaking havoc.
I think this explains why today Trump released a message
saying, "I love you chickens, but it's time to go home."