WELCOME-- WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, EVERYBODY, THANKS SO MUCH,
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT?
DOING ALL RIGHT?
I'M SO GLAD, THAT IS WONDERFUL, BECAUSE I'M FEELING GREAT
TONIGHT.
BECAUSE FOR ONCE I HAVE GOOD NEWS.
AND HERE IT IS.
DONALD TRUMP WAS ATTACKED BY A BALD EAGLE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LZ IT WAS DURING A PHOTO SHOOT
FOR TIME MAGAZINE BACK IN AUGUST.
BUT TIME JUST RELEASED THE FOOTAGE.
TAKE A LOOK AT IT.
LOOK AT THAT!
THAT EAGLE-- THAT EAGLE THINKS THAT DONALD'S HAIR IS LIKE A
BLOND RABBIT OR SOMETHING.
AND DONALD IS GETTING OUT OF THERE FASTER THAN A MUSLIM
TENANT IN TRUMP TOWER.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND LIKE ALL THINGS TRUMP, THIS
STORY HAS ROCKETED AROUND THE GLOBE.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF PEOPLE REACTING TO SEEING
THIS VIDEO FOR THE FIRST TIME.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOW, EVEN THE ANIMALS ARE HAPPY.
HERE'S THE THING, EVERYONE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME WITH THAT
FOOTAGE OF TRUMP.
AND HERE AT THE LATE SHOW WE HAVE ENJOYED A JOKE OR 50 OR 60
AT DONALD'S EXPENSE.
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO OUR ENDANGERED SPECIES, AND I MEAN
THIS VERY SERIOUSLY-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
JON!
SO NICE, JON STEWART, EVERYBODY!
FANTASTIC, JON, THIS IS LOVELY.
THIS IS SO WONDERFUL.
WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THIS NECK OF THE TELEVISION?
>> I'M TERRIBLY SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
I WANTED TO-- THERE'S ACTUALLY, I'M HERE FOR A REASON.
THERE IS A BIG VOTE COMING UP IN CONGRESS TO REAUTHORIZE HEALTH
BENEFITS FOR 9/11 FIRST RESPONDERS.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: I KNOW THAT ABOUT THAT THE ZADROGA ACT.
IT IS A SLAM DUNK, EVERYBODY WANTS THAT, RIGHT.
EVERYBODY WANTS THAT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> IF I MAY, EVERYBODY HUMAN.
BUT CONGRESS IS-- IF I COULD MAKE A LAST MINUTE PITCH TO
THEM.
>> Stephen: SIR, ABSOLUTELY, GO AHEAD, JUST GIVE IT YOUR BEST
SHOT.
>> THANK YOU, MY BROTHER.
>> Stephen: HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
>> HAVE A SEAT, HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO, FOR A SECOND I ACTUALLY
THOUGHT THEY WERE LEAVING.
HERE WE GO.
AFTER THE SACRIFICE THAT OUR FIRST RESPONDERS MADE-- .
>> Stephen: BORING!
SORRY, JON, SORRY.
I HATE TO GO PROON YOU HERE BUT YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF THE GAME FOR
AWHILE.
THAT'S GOT NO ZAZZ, ALL RIGHT?
YOU WANT PEOPLE TO PAY ATTENTION.
>> SURE, OKAY, OKAY.
>> Stephen: NO ONE IS GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU UNLESS YOU, I
DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS, TRUMP IT UP A LITTLE BIT.
YOU GOT TO TRUMP IT UP.
THANK YOU, JON, THE MEDIA WON'T PAY ATTENTION TO ANYTHING-- IT
WON'T PAY ATTENTION TO ANYTHING AT ALL UNLESS YOU ARE DONALD
TRUMP.
ALL RIGHT, MARK, DO WE HAVE THAT?
HERE, WE KEEP-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I KEEP ONE OF THESE STANDING BY IN CASE I EVER HAVE TO SAY
SOMETHING IMPORTANT.
>> SURE, NO, I UNDERSTAND.
>> Stephen: SHALL WE DO IT.
>> I WOULD RATHER NOT.
>> Stephen: YOU PROBABLY SHOULD.
DO YOU WANT THE ATTENTION OR NOT, JON.
>> I DO.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: PLEASE, PLEASE.
(LAUGHTER) >> THE ZADROGA ACT IS AN
IMPORTANT PIECE OF LEGISLATION-- .
>> Stephen: I HAVE TO STOP YOU RIGHT THERE, SOMETHING ELSE IS
MISSING.
CAN I HAVE SOME MAKEUP, PLEASE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
(LAUGHTER) >> I WAS JUST GOING TO TELL
THEM-- I THINK THAT'S TRUMP THUF.
>> Stephen: THINK SO?
SOME CULTURES THEY PUT THIS ABOVE THE DOOR AT PASSOVER.
>> THERE YOU GO, MY FRIEND.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
NOW, NOW YOU'RE READY FOR PEOPLE TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR
MESSAGE, ALL RIGHT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I WILL STEP OUT OF HERE.
YOU BRING DA NOISE, BRING DA TRUMP.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> 9/11 FIRST RESPONDERS-- .
>> Stephen: BRING DA TRUMP!
>> THESE 9/11 FIRST RESPONDERS-- LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, HEY, THESE 9/11 FIRST RESPONDERS ARE THE MOST TOP
NOTCH FIRST CLASS DIAMOND ENCRUSTED HEROES AMERICA CAN
PRODUCE.
DON'T LET CONGRESS PLAY POLITICS WITH THIS NECESSARY BILL, IF I'M
ELECTED, AND I WILL BE ELECTED, I WILL BUILD A WALL AROUND
POLITICS AND I WILL MAKE POLITICS PAY FOR IT.
TWEET, AT YOUR CONGRESSMAN WITH THE HASHTAG WORSTRESPONDERS.
TELL THEM DONALD SAID PULL UP YOUR BIG BOY PANTS AND MAKE
AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.
PASS THE ZADROGA ACT OR I WILL GLUE CONGRESS TOGETHER, DIP THEM
IN GOLD AND WEAR THEM AROUND MY FRIGIN NECK.
PLENTY, FANTASTIC.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YES, MY FRIEND, THAT-- PEOPLE HEARD THAT.
THEY HEARD THAT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: I HOPE CONGRESS DID TOO.
>> ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE HEAR THAT.
COME HERE, MY FRIEND.
THANK YOU.
NOW WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOAVMENT I WILL BE SITTING DOWN WITH
SUPERSTAR ACTION MAN BRUCE WILLIS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HE'S STARRING IN THE BROADWAY
VERSION OF "MISS REE."
>> HE'S A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE, HE AN I WILL DEFEAT ISIS HAND TO
HAND.
>> Stephen: ALSO I WILL BE TALKING TO BEST SELLING AUTHOR
OF "THE BIG SHORT" MICHAEL LEWIS, EVERYBODY.
>> I LIKE BOOKS, LOVE BOOKS.
HE'S GOT GOOD BOOKS.
>> Stephen: HE'S GOT EXCELLENT BOOKS.
KEEP MOVING TO THE NEXT ONE, AND LET'S SEE, KEEP GOING.
WE WILL HAVE A PERFORMANCE,-- WE'RE FREE
FALLING, WE'LL HAVE A PERFORMANCE BY HIP-HOP ARTIST
LIZZO.
>> OH, 100 PERCENT, A HUNDRED PERCENT BLACK RAPPERS SUPPORT
DONALD, IS THAT AN EAGLE, IS THAT AN EAGLE?
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT AN EAGLE DONALD JON.
THAT IS JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
SAY HI, EVERYBODY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> VERY NICE!
>> Stephen: NOW BEFORE-- BEFORE THEY KICK THINGS
OFF, ONE MORE THING, HERE IN NEW YORK CITY BURGLARS BROKE INTO
GWYNETH PALTROW'S GOOP STORE AND MADE OFF WITH $17 3,000 WORTH OF
MERCHANDISE.
>> $17 3,000, THAT'S RIGHT, THEY STOLE TWO PILLOWS.