- I'm not even 100% sure where to start.
We're all in mourning, and we're all struggling
because this keeps happening,
and you and people you know and care about
likely have different opinions on what should be done
to prevent further school shootings,
further public acts of violence, further loss of life.
When this is such a highly emotional issue,
it comes down to personal values
and personal beliefs about what should be done.
It's easy for battle lines to be drawn
because it feels like when it comes
to the safety of children, that's one area
where battle lines should be drawn.
That's one area we should, you know, take a stand,
and yet people are taking all sorts of stands.
And I know I present on this channel as very optimistic,
and I am, I'm optimistic about your average person,
but I'm not naive that there are people in high places,
politically, financially, in the media
who prey on our emotions to get us to,
you know, it's Pied Piper, you know,
to get us to take sides against one another.
The thing that hurts me the most is as a parent,
things land differently, you know, when you have kids.
Well, I don't wanna say that.
Things land differently for me since I had kids.
Violence against children was always terrible,
but now that I have little people
that are very dear and precious to me,
the pain of parents after such a loss
is very real and very raw.
I wanna talk today about how to navigate the debate
that rages every time something like this happens
between, and I don't even like these terms,
gun rights and gun control.
I think we can find other terms
because that immediately is polarizing, and it's like,
"Well, we will never be able to find middle ground."
But how do we navigate this conversation
so we don't stay gridlocked?
How do we mourn?
And how do we respond to our own emotions?
Even if we've not been directly affected
by what is happening, it still affects us.
It's a communal trauma, you know?
Like September 11, when that happened,
the epicenter of the trauma,
the people who suffered the most,
obviously the ones who gave their lives
or the ones who were there on scene, terrified or injured,
but then the families and the loved ones, right,
had the most direct, acute clinical trauma
of their lives being endangered
or the life of someone that they cared about.
But extending outward,
I don't know a single person at that school.
I don't know a single parent.
I don't know any of the kids.
And yet, I'm aware that I kinda look like hell. (laughs)
Part of it is this.
Like, I've been restless since this happened.
So what can I bring that hopefully can be of service?
I'm not a politician. I'm not a lawmaker.
I'm not an expert on what the solution is.
I do have some expertise in how we arrive at solutions.
I'm a firm believer that the principles
of family therapy, couples therapy,
of healthy communication and conflict resolution
oftentimes between people who have very strong beliefs
and opinions and values that are diametrically opposed
to one another, how they can come together
and form a team and form a family
and work together towards a common good.
That happens in my office,
and that can happen in our country.
So I wanna talk about secondary trauma,
and I wanna talk about how we navigate these conversations.
If you are like me, you're just part of this country
or part of this world where these things keep happening,
and you're scared and you're hurt and you're angry
because it could just as easily be your kids.
It could just as easily be your friends who are teachers.
Or you just have good old-fashioned human compassion
for your fellow strangers, your fellow citizens
on this planet, and you don't feel safe anymore,
or you haven't felt safe, honestly, for a long time.
There's a part of me that hasn't felt safe since 1999.
That was Columbine.
That was the first time in my mind and in my experience
that anything like that had happened.
Of course, it wasn't the first time ever,
but it's been a trend ever since.
How do you deal with that, when you feel like things
aren't getting better?
I think the first thing is to recognize
there are things you can control
and there are things you cannot, right?
I can't control if someone else drives drunk.
I can't control if there's a tornado.
I can't control all the factors
that could lead to me getting cancer.
I can control some of them, right?
I can eat better.
I can, you know, take care of what I put inside my body.
Some of you watching right now have very strong opinions
on how we could prevent situations like this,
and others feel very strongly about the right to bear arms,
about the right to defend yourself
against an invading foreign power
or an oppressive government,
which historically has happened throughout history.
The issue that I see is that we dig in our heels,
and we let people tell us that there's only two sides
to this issue when the fact is most of us see nuance.
Most of us see the validity of both the desire
to be able to defend yourself and the desire
to keep weapons out of the hands of people
who would take innocent life.
Most people are somewhere in that middle area.
Some things you can't control. Other things you can.
You can vote for people who you believe will effect change,
and more directly and more immediately
is you can have conversations with the people
that you love using principles that you've learned here
at Mended Light or elsewhere,
that everyone's perspective makes sense to them.
And instead of assuming that if the person
across from me has arrived at their conclusion
because they didn't think things through
or they didn't do the research
or they lack humanity and empathy, I'm already starting
from a position of my perspective is the right one,
and I am the good guy with compassion,
and this person is wrong
and they lack intelligence and compassion.
And the problem is, we do it to each other,
and then we assume there's no working with this person.
This is couple's therapy writ large, right,
if the family is our nation.
Part of me just wants to go to Washington and say,
"Maybe I could help if you let me," right?
Teach politicians and lawmakers to have these conversations
in a way they're not talking past each other.
I understand there's corruption there.
I understand there's people with ulterior motives,
but I have to believe that instead of digging in our heels
that if we actually say, "Okay, I'm getting upset,
I'm fired up, I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm hurt,
but as long as I'm fired up, I'm not gonna see clearly,
and I'm gonna be prone to vilify
the person who disagrees with me,
and now we're just fighting."
This is what's been going on for decades.
That's why we're at a gridlock,
and we've been there for forever.
I'm gonna say, "Okay, instead of doing that,
tell me where you're coming from.
Tell me why you believe what you believe.
Tell me what matters to you.
And I'm not going to judge you or correct you.
I just wanna listen.
And then I'm gonna ask you to do the same for me."
And when I'm getting fired up, I'm gonna recognize that,
and I'm gonna stop and soothe myself and calm down.
And then I'm going to, instead of pointing fingers
and accusing and go into war,
I'm gonna express that I'm hurt,
that I'm scared, that I'm afraid,
and I'm gonna try and see and understand
the perspective of the person across from me.
This may seem overly simplistic, and yes, it is.
There's a lot, there's many layers to this.
There's many points, there's many issues to debate,
but if we don't even have the ground rules
for how to debate them, we're just gonna do this,
and more innocent lives are gonna suffer.
I know I'm painting in broad strokes.
I know there's more nuance here
than my time allows me to discuss or to address today.
And honestly, this is just me showing up
with the tools I have in my tool belt,
hoping that they'll be of assistance,
hoping that they'll help.
The fact is, I don't have all the answers.
Some of you watching will be like,
"Yes, that was really helpful,
and that was balm for my soul."
And others will say, "Wow, Jonathan, what a letdown."
Fact is, I'm still piecing together my thoughts,
my emotions, and I don't claim to have all the answers.
You know, I've put myself in this position
to speak from the heart on things that matter to me.
This video is just a step, right?
Hopefully it's a step in the right direction.
I believe that it is.
Know that if you weren't there
and no one that you love was directly affected,
it's still possible for you to have experienced a trauma.
That sense of loss, that lack of safety,
that massive uncertainty,
the anxiety and the fear, that's valid,
and it's okay for you to get help and support.
Of course, we have people on our team.
You've heard me say that a thousand times,
link in the description, you know,
to meet with a member of our team,
but if not with one of our therapists,
like meet with somebody, could be professional,
could be a loved one, but don't bottle it.
I feel a lot like you, somewhat helpless
in the face of all of this, but we can take steps
toward a greater understanding of one another.
We can take steps to eradicate judgment,
to eradicate hatred, to eradicate being hotheaded,
and that's where we start to find the middle ground.
What are your needs? What are your beliefs?
What are your values? Okay, here's mine.
Can we find somewhere in the middle?
I wanna know from you,
how do you think we should move forward?
I wanna know from you,
how do you cope with things like this?
Because one, I wanna learn from you,
but two, I want you to read each other's comments
and see what you can get from one another
to help us move forward and help us heal
in a time like this.
Here, of course, our whole mission is to help people heal
from trauma and shine their light again,
and in times like this,
it feels like there's not a lot of light.
My love to you all, sincerely.
We are all that we have, right, each other.
Thanks for watching. I hope this helped.