so I wonder if anyone here is happily
married anyone here happily married
unbelievable I mean it truly is
unbelievable when looked at in the
context of world history because the
notion that we would be not only married
but happily married is only roughly
dates back to around the middle of the
18th century until then you tolerated
your partner for the sake of dynastic
concerns and children you did not expect
to love them a very new idea was born in
the middle of the 18th century that
historians called Romanticism and we are
all the heirs of Romanticism and the way
that human beings love is very context
and society dependent you know there's a
lovely quote by LaRoche Foucault
there are some people who would never
have fallen in love if they hadn't heard
there was such a thing slightly to
cynical but really what this is alerting
us to is that the way we love is very
dependent on our societies and nowadays
we love romantically we are all the
heirs of romanticism and romanticism is
a very particular ideology and it's
worth just running through some of its
dominant features romanticism tells us
that all of us have a soulmate out there
and it's our task to identify the
soulmate when we meet the soulmate we
will feel a very special feeling and a
kind of instinctive attraction to this
person and we will know they are our
destiny we might be in a bar in a
nightclub in a train we will have that
special feeling and then we'll call up
our friends we go I've had that special
feeling at last that's terrific and so
everyone around us will have that
special feeling and then they'll get
married and have children and if you
don't have the special feeling you get
very worried you go on tinder match.com
you're always ready with a special
feeling special feeling come along until
the soulmate comes along and the good
thing about finding a soul mate when we
eventually find the soul mate we will
never be lonely again all of us
everything that we are will be perfectly
understood by another human being it
will mean the definitive end of any
sense of alienation or loneliness all
our feelings our hopes will be confirmed
by another person so it's really
terrific news when the soulmate comes
along we will have no more secrets they
will understand us totally and we will
understand them and
that lovely you know early days when
everything that you can possibly think
of a feeling ashamed or vulnerable you
can reveal this to another person and
they will confirm you and bolster you
and that's terrific
the other thing about romanticism
generally the people who invented
romanticism didn't have jobs or they
only worked a little bit so romanticism
is very tied up with long summer balmy
afternoons walks in nature a lot of
emphasis on waterfalls and large watery
expanses and also that moment dusk is
very important for romantics that moment
when the sun's our beams are light up
the underside of the clouds turning them
a pinky hue very special kind of
feelings for romantics the other thing
that romantics very much believe in is
that love and sex go together so
previously people obviously had sex and
had been in love they didn't necessarily
always see them as entirely could join
but romantics believe that sex is the
ultimate expression of love which is why
in the 19th century adultery becomes a
tragedy and becomes the most important
theme of 19th century novels all the
great novels of the 19th century are in
one way or another about adultery
starting with Emma Bovary Madame Bovary
and Anna Karenina and on and on because
suddenly the reason why suddenly
adultery is a disaster is because the
romantics have made sex into a proof the
ultimate proof of love as you'll have
gathered from my tone I'm not an
unalloyed fan of Romanticism I believe
that it has caused us immense trouble in
fact I believe that romanticism is the
single greatest enemy we face for love
and that if we are to learn how to love
better in the future we must give up a
lot of the feelings that got us into the
sort of relationships that romanticism
points us towards now what is so wrong
with romances why the cynicism well
let's start with a few points one of the
first things that's troublesome is that
unlike what romanticism tells us we are
not pure kind loving beings simply on
the lookout for a soulmate
we are deeply dangerous and most of us
are on the edge of insanity this is not
an exception it's just what it means to
be human all of us are only just holding
it together we are danger
is to be around we have all sorts of
impulses feelings desires which make us
great trouble to be around the only
people we can think of as normal are
people we've just met once we've met
them a little bit more we all soon
realize that they are not normal so in
other words we are troubled to be around
we're a little bit crazy the this is
compounded by the fact that anyone will
likely to get together with is also
going to be crazy and they won't be able
to tell us how they're crazy their
craziness will be an intimate part of
their own biography which we won't be
able to get to by the normal kind of
questions that we get addressed at a
dinner date I mean what one of the first
things that we should be asking
ourselves in a more psychologically
aware society one of the first questions
you should ask anyone at a dinner it in
a dinner date is how are you mad I'm mad
like this how are you mad that should be
a very standard question we ask each
other over dinner but it's it's seen as
an insulting question it isn't the
reason another reason why of course we
don't were so unaware of our
psychological dynamics is that until we
start a big long term relationship no
one can be bothered to tell us our
friends certainly can't I mean
sometimes in relationships when things
are tricky we say things that will marry
my friend or John my friend they don't
seem to criticize me why are you
criticizing me or that I my mother
doesn't criticize me well the reason is
mothers and friends don't care enough
they don't have to deal with you all the
time so they don't give you the vital
feedback that only a lover deep in a
relationship probably a marriage will
ever tell you so the information that is
most relevant to our self understanding
is missing friends don't care and lovers
when it gets too tricky casual
relationships just end because people
can't be bothered to invest in the deep
sort of in mutual enlightenment that
should be going on in a relationship so
to disturb people come together that's
going to be problematic the other thing
of course is that you know in the olden
days people used to get together
according to a marriage of reason so
parents were together and reasonable
reasons for getting together would be
identified his plot of land is next to
yours the same religion or the cárcel or
whatever now nowadays we believe in
instinct that we should follow our
instinct instinct should guide us to the
person who will make us happy the
problem is and this is really the drift
to summarize brutally this is the
drift of what psychoanalysis has taught
us in the 20th century psychoanalysis
has taught us that when we fall in love
with people we're essentially recreating
a pattern of earliest childhood that we
learn about love in the bosom of the
family and when it comes to adult love
we are mirroring very much on top of
this ancient story which is generally
inaccessible to our conscious control
now the problem is that when we love in
adulthood we are not necessarily drawn
to people who will make us happy we are
drawn to people who will feel familiar
and very often happiness and familiarity
have drifted apart because the love we
knew as children is not a love that was
pure of certain rather unhealthy or
troublesome dynamics
maybe loving someone who was rather
distant or whose mood we couldn't
control of who we were slightly afraid
of etc and so this explains how often
you'll set up a friend with another
friend and they both seem so well-suited
on paper according to reasonable
criteria and then the friend calls you
up and they say you know they were
perfect but they didn't have that
special feeling and you think that
special feeling is a surefire guide to
happiness but no it really means that
the person was probably a little bit too
normal for your friend they were a
little bit too healthy
they didn't satisfy your friends
requirement for suffering and therefore
we say oh they weren't that attractive a
little bit they were nice but a little
bit boring or something remember bit
boring is we mean a little bit too
healthy for me they didn't fit my
pattern of madness so I had to let them
go so instinct guides us to some very
troublesome carriages and we don't feel
a special feeling until we really locked
horns with someone who can make us feel
the kind of trouble that is familiar
that is beautifully familiar from a
childhood the other thing that goes
wrong of course is that in love we have
this idea that romanticism tells us you
should be yourself in a relationship now
being yourself around another person is
a curse we should spare anyone who we
care about because the full dimensions
of our characters are really troublesome
but we have this idea that if you can't
be yourself fully fully fully you're not
being honest and honestly the romantics
tell us is the gateway to true love and
so this sets up a really troublesome
dynamic and you know we all feel it you
know it is in an early stage of a
relationship you
met somebody you've shared all sorts of
secrets and they've said oh how nice now
Pleasant so finally the outside world
that scary place has been humanized
because you've met someone from the
outside world who feels as you do about
all sorts of things and there's a
tremendous Lee liberating feeling in
those early days of love but then then
it's often about sex let's let's be
honest often you say things like do you
want to do that thing and they go yeah
yeah I've always thought about that
thing oh really I've always been really
into that thing but no one's I think oh
yeah I'm totally into it
let's do that thing and so it's really
wonderful it's freeing it's liberating
and then one day you're in a restaurant
and it may be the relationship is three
months in and you say oh you know that
that weight and weight a person over
there that you know imagine if like I
don't know like BAM and we and it
wouldn't be fun if like we invited them
in and your partner who's understood so
much about you your feelings about your
mother's that funny thing you talked
about they understand so much and
suddenly they're looking pretty serious
and kind of upset and you go oh whoa
whoa and you suddenly feel that thing
which is a conflict between love and
honesty and most of us at that point go
you know what I'll take the love I'll
ditch the honesty I'm not going to go so
much into what I really want to do with
that person I will draw up the
drawbridge again and the moment of
loneliness begins and and of course
romanticism tells us this is a disaster
because romanticism tells us if you love
someone complete honesty but then comes
this thing with the thing that would the
waiter so it's it's it's difficult okay
so the other thing that romantism tells
us is is if you really love someone and
they really love you you shouldn't use
too many words you will feel an
intuitive understanding with someone and
you know the miraculous moments in love
are often about those way the other
partner seems to understand you without
having said anything this is a disaster
because this can only look it's very
charming in the first three months but
long-term the idea that someone is going
to understand you without you needing to
speak or communicate is a disaster it's
a collective disaster that has marred
love for millions of people it's led to
an outbreak of sulking because what is a
sulk in love other than a deep
conviction that your lover should
understand something and they haven't
understood and that's why you're not
going to tell them why you're upset
you're upset but you're not going to
tell them and the regional tell them
because if they loved you they would
know why you were upset
so that's why you're going to bolt
yourself in the bathroom and you won't
say what's wrong because a true lover
knows what they would be able to read
through the bathroom door what was wrong
with you the other thing the other thing
that's really troublesome about romantic
love is this belief that if you love
somebody and someone loves you they
accept the whole love you and that they
never try to change you and often this
very awkward moments where everyone goes
you're really kind of that that funny
thing like what you're eating cereal is
this a funny chewing noise another one
goes hang on a minute I thought you
loved me and they got no I do love you
but there's that chewing noise and they
go always so critical my mother's not so
critical my friends are my ex-boyfriend
my ex-girlfriend is not so critical and
you go I love you I need to tell you
about the cereal and and that is seen as
a a breach of love a breach of the
ground rules of love it isn't but we
have the wrong idea of love we need to
go back to the ancient Greeks the
ancient Greeks had a much wiser vision
of love the ancient Greeks believed that
love is an attraction to perfection and
virtue and accomplishment whenever we
see virtue and accomplishment we feel a
fancy sensation of love we're tolerant
towards the bad the imperfect the
fragile the vulnerable we tolerate him
and we're kind to it but we don't love
it we just put up with it but the real
sensation of love is focused on
perfection and accomplishment now the
romantic view is contrary to that it
says you should love the whole thing
there is no such thing as a weakness a
vulnerability
all these things are equally lovable and
education has no place in love now the
ancient Greeks believed that when you
love someone you are embarked on a
process of mutual education you're
trying to educate them and they're
trying to educate you the problem is
education goes so wrong in love most of
the time nowadays because romanticism
has made it seem illegal now when is a
teacher a good teacher a good teacher
is somebody who first of all feels
relaxed they feel it's legitimate for
them to teach an audience the audience
feels it's legitimate to be in a student
position none of which exists in the
conditions of love normally in which
you're trying to tell someone something
and now why are we such bad teachers in
love not just because we think it's
illegitimate because so much is at stake
you know the best teachers don't really
care
about the progress of their students if
the students haven't understood doesn't
matter you know you'll get on to the
next trigonometry class doesn't matter
in love we care so much and so we're so
hysterical we're trying to teach someone
something on the verge of a catastrophe
in our own lives because we're haunted
by the feeling in love in long-term love
I've married the wrong person
therefore I've ruined my life and that's
not a good position to be in when you're
trying to teach someone how to eat in a
different way or make anecdote in its
way you're hysterical you're going the
background thought is I've ruined my
life I've married an idiot and they've
got to understand
so you shout and you scream and
humiliate and of course no one's ever
learned anything under conditions of
humiliation the moment you said anything
humiliating the lessons over they're not
on your side and they're offended as we
know from feedback forms it's got to be
99% sweetness and light and honey and 1%
criticism that you've got a potential
chance to educate so we do terrible
education we don't know how to educate
we think that education is a breach of
love rather than its beginning all of us
are so imperfect of course our lover is
going to find fault with us and of
course they're going to try and improve
us but we have to legitimate the process
of improvement and at the moment we
don't at all because we think it's a
betrayal of the of the ground rules of
love what are the solutions well we have
to reinvent love now we're a tech
environment and we're so used to
reinventing certain technological
political platforms we have to invent
the romantic and emotional basis upon
which our lives are made I'm very
thrilled by this idea it comes to me
later if you're interested in this plan
we have to reinvent love and how we love
the first thing we have to do is to get
away from instinct of course instinct
doesn't work imagine if you someone are
saying I'm performing a brain surgery
later this afternoon I'm going to be
guided by instinct I just have an
instinct I'm going to land an a380
tomorrow by instinct course you wouldn't
have end up a disaster it's bizarre that
we continue to refuse the idea that we
should be educated in the very basics of
relationships we need a more therapeutic
it's not that we should lower our
expectations it's that we should keep
the expectations that we have but create
a therapeutic scaffolding around them so
that we will be able to reach the
heights which we legitimately seek in
our relationships here are some of the
things that I would put into a
curriculum of law
this is some of what we need to know in
order to be better lovers the first
thing we need to understand is let's
stop treating our partners as if they
were adults and let's start treating
them like small children the reason why
this is so important is when small child
does something wrong let's imagine
you've got a small child you cook them
dinner they're two years old three years
old you live in some broccoli and some
schnitzel surgery we put them I put a
plate down in front of them and they
just swipe it off and go there and start
screaming now what do you do as a modern
parent you don't hit them you don't go
I'm so offended I have a hard day at
work and now this what are you you're
persecuting me you don't say that you go
oh maybe that my poor child's got a sore
tooth or maybe he's a bit jealous of his
sister being born maybe that's kind of
weighing on him maybe he's a little bit
tired that's why he's behaving like this
in other words we're incredibly generous
about our system of interpretation we
don't do this as adults because we think
or the person's an adult and of course
most adults look like adults
unfortunately it will be so much more
useful if we look like children because
you know the great thing about breaking
something then your broken arm right
everyone can see where you got a broken
arm oh I'm so sorry you got a broken um
let me open the door you've got a broken
arm if you've got a broken soul a broken
bit of your psyche everyone thinks
you're normal but you want to go no no
I've got this thing that's broken it
doesn't look broken so we don't look
like children but we are inside and it's
so you know we're so aware of how
patronizing it is to be treated as
younger than we in fact are that we've
neglected in a way how generous have
kind had truly loving it is to treat
someone as if they were younger than
they are because this is really what it
means to love which is to be generous in
the interpretation of the behavior of
another person the other thing that we
need to get better at of course is
interpreting whether somebody is evil or
not for doing the things that they do
and for this we need to learn humor you
know often comedy is seen as an add-on a
sort of a game show entertainment thing
it's a vital resource in relationships
because what humor does think of all the
great characters that we laugh about
like Larry David now Larry David if you
met Larry David as he plays himself in
Curb Your Enthusiasm if you met him in
life you think this guy's a total idiot
you hate him he's awful but because of
the humorous
envelope in which is presented to us by
comic genius you think that vital thing
he is a lovable idiot and that's a sign
of love when you manage to move from
seeing your partner as an idiot to
seeing your partner is a lovable idiot
you have learnt a vital lesson about
love which we all need to to take on
board we need to remember of course
humor is a sorry secrets are okay to try
and reveal everything about yourself is
wrong if you're let's say only lonely
with maybe 40 percent of your character
that's fine you're doing very well
the idea that loneliness should end with
a birth of love is completely wrong you
must not blame another person for not
understanding every part of you how
could you expect them to you don't even
understand most of you how could they
mind read no one is a mind reader nor
should they be expected to be so letting
gentlemen a quick rundown of the kinds
of reason the kind of checklist that you
should be making to know that you are
ready for love you know you're ready for
love when you have gently understood
that of course you are crazy you have
gently understood that of course your
partner is crazy
you've generally understood that you
don't really understand yourself they
don't understand themselves and your
communication is likely to be completely
dire at the instinctive level and you
need to bring it on to a more
therapeutic level you need and that love
is going to be accompanied by a lot of
practical details you won't be on
holiday you won't be with the waterfalls
all the time or the lovely beautiful
clouds that love is a practical venture
and that you will be unhappy a great
deal of the time pessimism pessimism is
often seen as the enemy of good things
and indeed it is in many ventures but
when you embark on the journey of love
pessimism in fact is the most generous
and kindly emotion that you could direct
towards yourself and your partner that
is the future of love that I've been
sketching for you thank you so much