OF COURSE, TRUMP'S FOCUS ON THE DISASTER IN SYRIA IS JUST A
TRANSPARENT ATTEMPT TO DISTRACT US FROM THE DISASTER OF HIS
IMPEACHMENT.
THINGS GOT WAY WORSE YESTERDAY, THANKS TO A BOMBSHELL TESTIMONY
FROM FORMER AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE AND GUY CORNERING YOU AT
A PARTY TO TELL YOU ABOUT RECUMBENT BIKING-- IT'S MORE
EFFICIENT-- BILL TAYLOR.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION
OF "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> I MADE A PERFECT CALL.
NOT A GOOD CALL.
A PERFECT CALL.
( LAUGHTER )
FROM YESTERDAY'S TESTIMONY WAS THAT TAYLOR DIRECTLY TIED TRUMP
TO UKRAINE QUID PRO QUO.
NOT ONLY IS THAT INCREDIBLY DAMNING, IT'S ALSO THE VOCAL
WARM UP I USE BEFORE THE SHOW EVERY NIGHT.
"UKRAINE QUID PRO QUO, UKRAINE QUID PRO QUO.
ZELENSKY PORTEND-SKYS THE END OF YOUR PRESIDEN-SKY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AMIDST THE MIST OF FROST.
FLORIDA REPRESENTATIVE DEBBIE WASSERMAN SCHULTZ DESCRIBED
TAYLOR'S TESTIMONY, "IT'S LIKE IF YOU HAD A BIG, 1,000-PIECE
PUZZLE ON A TABLE.
THIS FILLS IN A LOT OF THE PIECES OF THE PUZZLE."
OKAY, I GET THE ANALOGY, BUT ISN'T IT MORE LIKE A CHILD'S
SEVEN-PIECE PUZZLE OF A SQUIRREL, AND WE JUST GOT ONE
PIECE THAT'S THE ENTIRE SQUIRREL.
EVERYTHING ELSE IS TREE, AND IT'S JUST ALL NUTS.
AFTER-- IN THERE.
NOW, AFTER TAYLOR'S TESTIMONY, THE WHITE HOUSE RELEASED THIS
STATEMENT, "PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG.
THIS IS A COORDINATED SMEAR CAMPAIGN FROM FAR-LEFT LAWMAKERS
AND RADICAL, UNELECTED BUREAUCRATS WAGING WAR ON THE
CONSTITUTION."
YES!
BILL TAYLOR IS JUST A "RADICAL, UNELECTED BUREAUCRAT!"
I MEAN, LOOK AT THE PINKO WHO APPOINTED HIM: MIKE POMPEO.
OKAY!
OKAY, BUT THIS WAS HIS SECOND TIME AS UKRAINIAN AMBASSADOR.
THE FIRST TIME HE SERVED, HE WAS APPOINTED BY RADICAL LEFTY:
GEORGE W. BUSH.
OKAY, FINE.
BUT WHO ORIGINALLY GAVE HIM A JOB IN THE STATE DEPARTMENT?
NONE OTHER THAN DEEP STATE KOMMISAR RONALD REAGAN!
OKAY, BUT MAY I REMIND YOU, I AM ALL OUT OF ARGUMENTS.
CHECKMATE.
NOW, TRUMP'S ALLIES--
TRUMP'S ALLIES ALSO JUMPED TO HIS DEFENSE, INCLUDING FORMER
ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL AND LEX LOSER, MATT WHITAKER.
( LAUGHTER )
NEWS AND SAID THIS: >> I'M A FORMER PROSECUTOR, AND
WHAT I KNOW IS, THIS IS A PERFECT TIME FOR PRELIMINARY
HEARINGS WHERE YOU WOULD SAY, "SHOW US YOUR EVIDENCE."
WHAT EVIDENCE OF A CRIME DO YOU HAVE?
I MEAN, THE CONSTITUTION SORT OF-- YOU KNOW, ABUSE OF POWER IS
NOT A CRIME.
>> Stephen: WE AT "THE LATE SHOW" WANTED TO MAKE SURE WE
GOT THE LEGAL FACTS RIGHT, SO WE HIRED A TEAM OF 15 RESEARCHERS
AND GAVE THEM ALL DAY TO LOOK INTO THIS.
AND WHILE THEY WERE ON THE WAY TO THE OFFICE, I GOOGLED IT ON
MY PHONE, AND IT TURNS OUT THAT, YEAH, ABUSE OF POWER IS
DEFINITELY A CRIME.
ALSO, FUN FACT, IN THE FEDERALIST PAPERS, ALEXANDER
HAMILTON WROTE THAT ONE CAUSE FOR IMPEACHMENT IS THE "ABUSE OR
VIOLATION OF SOME PUBLIC TRUST."
THAT'S COMING STRAIGHT FROM "HAMILTON."
SO TRUMP MIGHT BE IMPEACHED AND WIN A TONY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: LOOK AT IT.
>> Stephen: WIN-WIN.
ANOTHER TRUMP DEFENDER WAS CALIFORNIA CONGRESSMAN DEVIN
NUNES, WHO SAID THIS OF TAYLOR'S TESTIMONY:
>> I'VE DEFINED IT AS WATCHING A SLOW-MOTION CRAZY TRAIN THAT IS
GOING INTO IMPEACHMENT FANTASYLAND LOOKING FOR THE LOCH
NESS MONSTER.
>> Stephen: WHICH IS FUNNY, BECAUSE I'VE DEFINED NUNES AS
WATCHING AN INSANE JETSKI CAREENING OFF OF JACKASS
MOUNTAIN INTO MIXED METAPHOR LAKE.
( LAUGHTER )
THE G.O.P. IS HAVING SO MUCH TROUBLE DEFENDING TRUMP'S
BEHAVIOR THAT TODAY, INSTEAD OF ADDRESSING ANY OF THE CHARGES,
HOUSE REPUBLICANS STORMED A CLOSED DOOR HEARING TO PROTEST
DEMOCRATS' IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY PROCESS.
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU'RE ON THE DEBATE TEAM AND THE OTHER SIDE
IS REALLY STRONG IN THE CROSS-EXAMINATION,
SO FOR YOUR COUNTERPOINT, YOU SET FIRE TO THEIR COACH.
WE HAVE A PICTURE OF THE STORMING.
THAT'S EITHER A BUNCH OF REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS OR A "BLACK
FRIDAY" SALE ON PLEATED KHAKIS.
( LAUGHTER )
FLORIDA REPUBLICAN AND EVIL BOB'S BIG BOY, MATT GAETZ.
AND, OH, GAETZ CAME IN HOT.
>> I'M GATHERED HERE WITH DOZENS OF MY CONGRESSIONAL COLLEAGUES,
UNDERGROUND, IN THE BASEMENT OF THE CAPITOL, BECAUSE IF BEHIND
THOSE DOORS, THEY INTEND TO OVERTURN THE RESULTS OF AN
AMERICAN PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, WE WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
>> Stephen: OH, OH, I KNOW!
DONALD TRUMP PRESSURED UKRAINE TO GIVE HIM DIRT ON JOE BIDEN, A
WHISTLEBLOWER TOLD CONGRESS, WHO ARE NOW HOLDING HEARINGS WITH
REPUBLICANS IN THE ROOM, UNTIL THEY WERE ALL INTERRUPTED BY THE
FRATERNAL ORDER OF ASSHATS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
RONAN FARROW IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, RIGHT HERE, MORE MONOLOGUE!
STICK AROUND!